My 19 yr old son lived with me all my life from the time I divorced his father when he was 2 until when he moved out when he was 17. My entire life my ex has been abusive to me..Taking me to court every month, always bad mouthing me to my son, physical contact by hitting, etc..My son has witnessed this all his life, yet he has always wanted to be with him and his family..My son moved out of my home 3 yrs ago and hasn't really had a relationship with me since..He would only see me alone, and on his terms. sometimes weeks would go by and not hear from him.. Last year he decided to have nothing to do with me and stayed away for 7 mths..He's doing it again right now this year, I havent heard from him in 2 mths..He is now living with his dad who was abusive to me yet my son now thinks that he's the better parent..How can that be? My son treats me the exact same way as his dad did and I wont accept it from him...I told him that I will not have a relationship this way and I havent heard from him since..Even family functions he wont invite me but his dad is there..My son doesnt even want me around his girlfriend..I went through hell and back with his dad and yet somehow I'm the unfit disfunctional parent..I am having a real problem dealing with this..My ex has never had a girlfriend in the past 15 yrs we've been divorced. He is just fixated on making my life hell and only on my son..He helped my son to move out from my home and said you lose, I won to me..I cant have this in my life anymore..Im now remarried and we've had problems because I would get so stressed out from my ex that we would start fighting..Now my son is treating me the same way as his dad...Do you think my son is ever going to change? Am I doing the right thing with my son? I dont want anything to do with my son right now because he is treating me so wrong..
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Answers
Starlight, I'm sorry to hear of the strained relationship with your teen son. He's trying to find himself. My advice is to be consistent. Be who you are and have been all along (unless you find ways to be better ;) )
Generally, a verbal confrontation with any male is not the most successful. Something this age might be best reached through the written word. Letters or emails of encouragement, and positive affirmations will do wonders for the relationship, even though he might not respond he will be affected.
Sometimes children need to go away for themselves. The best we can hope for is they will return. It might take years before they mature and realize, Oh how smart my mom was/is!
Good wishes
drjean
Hi there Starlight, have you tried asking him what is going on with him? (The son?)
If he is 19 now, you dont have to have his dads permission to talk to him, or to do anything with him.
I would talk to him and see why.
You state you don't want anything to do with your son, yet in the same paragraph, you mention seeking help for him because he doesn't visit you?
To me, it sounds like you do want him to see you and you are upset, which of course, is understandable.
I would try to call him or visit and ask him what you did wrong and what you could do to get back in his life without the drama.
Best,
Clyde