Avatar Posted by yankee3508 201 days ago (Question)
I'm a 24 male. I have been sad and lonely for years. I only ever had one gf and that was 4 years ago. Im 5'5 but still pretty good looking. I go out places with a girl once and a while, but they always see me as the friend. I don't feel by any means that I come off wanting love to strongly, but never get the girl. I have tried saying screw it and went for one of the girls once only to have ackward moments after I made my move one night. She went with it but said she wasnt sure if she liked me. I am just so lonely for love and its killing me. I cry from time to time by myself, but never let anyone know my pain. I used to tell people, but felt I was becoming a sap to my friends so I keep it all in now. Im good at my job but I work all the time and theres not much room for moving where I choose. I will get placed in small towns as I move up the ladder, but I don't know if Ill ever find more than girls who are friends. I feel like Im destined to be alone and miserable. I seriously go out and try to forget about it all. I appear to be this bundle of happiness when Im out, but I come home and cry quit often. I hang out with this girl I work with a lot and she appears to be perfect for me in everyway. Many people assume we are together. We flirt all the time, but she then talks about other guys to me. I start to begin to build courage to say i like her and she then makes a comment we could never go out just not possible in a serious way to her friends. I wanna cry on the spot when she says that at times. I usually act like it didnt bother me but it does. I need hope that I will meet someone in the future because i feel so alone and hopeless.


Answers

Written by Edahn 201 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

One way to get hope is to understand what's happening, because then you can correct it and move on with your romantic life.

From your post it's hard to say what's happening. There can be lots of reasons you're getting put into the "friend" category: too assertive, not assertive enough, too hesitant, too closed, too open, etc. One thing you can do is ask some of these girls for some opinions about how you come off. Make sure and let them know that you'll be grateful and that you're just doing it because you want to better yourself. They have to feel open and safe for the advice to be honest and pointed. Actually, asking the girl you're with now would be a great idea.

Once you get an idea of what's going on, you can start to look at the causes of that and find a proper antidote. That antidote can be anything -- challenging a belief about yourself, being more forgiving of yourself, taking a few more risks, or even smiling a bit more. You may just need to visualize yourself slowly making progress in that area.

You should know that a lot of guys deal with this kind of thing, and often have it much worse. I myself have a tendency to close up or get anxious in romantic relationships. You just deal with it with the best attitude you can muster by figuring it out in the way I described above, logically, but patiently and with a spirit of kindness and dignity. You already have all the tools you need to make these changes inside you, even if you don't realize it yet.

Written by Clyde 199 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

^^^^

Very good Edahn.

Find out the causes and fix them.

Best,

Clyde

Written by Jay1111 198 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

" I hang out with this girl I work with a lot and she appears to be perfect for me in everyway...

We flirt all the time, but she then talks about other guys to me."

Sorry man, she isn't perfect for you, because girls do not talk to guys they will ever go out with about other guys- even if she flirts with you, she doesn't want to go out with you at all.

Your best bet is to go out to a bar and just approach any girl you think is cute enough to take a chance on with the attitude that you don't care what happens, and approach her, make small talk, ask for her number, wait 2 or 3 days, and then call her briefly and ask her out on a date- and I'd make sure she knows it's a date so she can't pull that friend zone nonsense on you. Most people get shut down a lot, so you have to keep trying as often as possible- it's a numbers game. Also it's important you really try kissing the girl the first or second date whether your are nervous or not, and touch her arm or back or behind her neck or things like that every once in a while while talking to her to build attraction.

It's much easier to start dating a stranger than a friend.

I wasn't getting girl action for a LONG period of time myself, I'm older than you, and this year I started approaching them on my own. So far this year I had a short term girlfriend with frequent sex involved, am still dating and physically involved with a couple others, made out with another girl I just met at a bar, and rejected 2 girls who were trying to pick me up!

All this because I decided to be proactive about picking up girls. The confidence shows and you'll be more social with strangers in general.

"I have tried saying screw it and went for one of the girls once only to have ackward moments after I made my move one night."

Your problem is a very common one: you're trying to pick up a couple specific girls even though they only see you as a friend. That doesn't ever work and the world is not a romantic comedy where you'll eventually win a girl that isn't physically involved with you just because you want her. Also you don't seem to realize that not only is rejection normal, it is going to happen frequently!

You can't say you tried with one girl, struck out, so it's therefore hopeless for you. I must have struck out with 20+ girls this year alone, so I've been rejected WAY more than you have- yet I've had sex and gone on numerous dates and made out with multiple girls. So is rejection really that bad?


Log in to answer or register here.