Avatar Posted by Loner911 222 days ago (Question)
I need to start making friends because Im 16 and every other 16 year old has lots of friends,they drink,get high,get a gf/bf and everything else thats good in life. Im sick of lying up in my room everyday after school crying and self loathing. But my shyness prevents me from living life...I had 1 friend during the summer and from there I was talking to other people but that didn't last very long because when in the company of others I don't open my mouth,I only speak when spoken to. But I keep telling myself to talk but Im losing this battle to overcome my shyness and it will bring about my downfall....my happiness lies in people and I recently found that out after 2 years of being locked away in my room contemplating suicide every day. I learned a lot through that suffering and I think it needs to stop. At lunch time in school I just wander the corridors pretending that I'v got somewhere to be because I don't want to look like a loner. Im not fat and ugly(sorry If I sound vain but Im being honest)...Iv kissed a good few girls in the past but that was when I was 14...now I want to make friends but the peer groups have already been set and it seems to me they are not "recruiting" anymore. Every 16 year old I know has a group of friends they hang out with.My birthday is May30th and Im going to hang on till then and really try to make friends...If I tryed my best and failed then I think I will end my life.


Answers

Written by bellacutie 222 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi Loner911,

I had the same problem when I was your age(shyness). I used to hate being shy and felt trapped by my feelings. I also didn't belong to any group of friends and only had 1 friend. I couldn't relate to what the other kids were doing.

I'm all for having fun but you shouldn't consider drinking and getting high as a desirable thing to do. You don't want to hook up with people like that. It's possible to manage your shyness and learn social skills. I was even able to get into modelling which is hard to believe. You won't end up being an extrovert, but you can learn to socially adapt.

You should never consider suicide as an option. As shy people we're are own worst enemies and we hold ourselves back because we're afraid. You have to learn to not pay attention to that critical voice in your head. People always thought that I was stuck up, but it wasn't true. But now that I look back I probably looked upset and that's how they took it. So try when you're out in public to look relaxed and friendly. Before going out try to think of some good topics of conversation (music, movies, girls, sports, current events, teachers, etc) and play it over in your mind. Imagine yourself successfully talking to someone. Having a good sense of humor is also great. If you're feeling nervous just do some slow deep breathing. Don't let your fear of messing up (cause we all do) stop you from trying, it's better than being in your room. Try to join any school clubs or team sports. Ask someone to come to your house or go to the movies. If I were you I wouldn't get messed up in drugs or alcohol in order to feel like you fit in - because alot of people use them to alter their personalities. Also it's good if you can find a friend who is a little more outgoing than you.

It is important for you to initiate and participate in conversations and it's also inportant to be a good listener as well.

It's very good that you realize what you need to do in order to be happier with yourself. I regret the years I wasted when I was in school. If I can manage my shyness then I'm sure you can too. Try to relax and let yourself be open to the people around you. Best of luck and enjoy your life.

Written by Edahn 221 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think you should start by being realistic. You're not going to suddenly change into a new person. Your change, and it's a VERY VERY real possibility, will happen gradually. It would really be helpful if you can imagine what that slow progression might look like over the next 3-4 years. The more detail, the better.

The way to go about that is by (1) setting small realistic goals and gradually moving up, (2) adopting a supportive attitude of yourself (loving yourself) rather than talking shit to yourself and looking at yourself as someone worthless, and (3) learning basic, working social skills to make and keep relationships, and on the flip side, knowing what not to say.

(1) Adopting realistic goals - instead of trying to make friends with everyone, try and practice JUST MEETING people for a whole month. You don't have to come up with a great introduction or anything too calculated. Just say "what's up I'm ___________" and ask them a simple question about something going on around them. "Are you enjoying the party?" or "What're you drinking?" or "What class are you waiting for?" After a couple minutes, just say "nice meeting ya!" and take off. The next step is to get to know them a little more, and maybe even get their number and hang out with them. You can also keep your current relationships (at work) very simply and just FRIENDLY. FRIENDLY is the keyword here. If you practice that, to the best that you can, you'll be fine.

(2) Supportive attitude - How do you treat yourself? How do you view yourself? Can you look at yourself as someone who is struggling to do their best who has the right intentions, rather than just "a fuck up" ? Can you try and practice being kind to yourself? It dovetails with the first theme of friendliness, but you're being a friend TO YOURSELF.

(3) Basic social skills - There are lots of ways to go about this. You can buy some books, watch people in real life, solicit feedback from your friends, find a support group for shy people, see a counselor, or just notice how people react to you and adjusting accordingly. Most of this will fall into place if you practice (1) and (2).

Best of luck! If you need more instruction, buy a book or see a school counselor or therapist. You could try The Gift of Shyness by Avila or Radical Acceptance by Brach, or whatever book resonates with you.

Best,

Edahn

Written by Clyde 212 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Very good postings you two.

I also recommend seeing the school counselor and realizing that you are worth more than you think :)

Best,

Clyde

Written by doliy 119 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

hello

dear loner911 .... i think u need a good friend who respect ur feelings , trustable person ..

friends who drink or whatever ..this is not good stuf in our life ....

dont choose ur friends from there looks choose them from their behavior ...

i'm 16 years old too ..and i'm looking for new friends .... i'm a shy girl too but i hv friends and they r soo good people becouse they know my personality ..and i'm looking for new friends too know more about their cultures .. and if i want to choose my friend i will choose him from his behavior .. before two days ago a guy added me in his msn ..and when i asked hin who is he and how he got my email ..he lie to me ..and he asked for my pics .. do u know what i answered him ..sorry but i'm not the one who u think ..why would i send to u my pic .. i'm a muslim and i think u know us , i blocked and deleted u from my msn list ..bye ..

i knew him from his talk ..i knew that he was not a good guy ..


Log in to answer or register here.