I am 21, and have a 6 month old son with my 25 year old boyfriend. He was a bit of an accident, especially since Dustin and I no intentions of ever having children, but is now the joy of our lives.
Dustin and I never wanted to marry either, but it has become frequent topic as of late.
I'm not so sure about it. I have some pretty terrible baggage that he's aware of (for the most part), a lot of which could hinder me from being a good mother, a could-be good wife, and a happy person in general.
I have a lot of "daddy issues", far too extensive then to be explained easily, but the man who actually raised me was wonderful and caring, but quite the child,himself.
My mom has clear favorites and I was the least of which out of 4 (now 5) children.
At 5 I met a girl in school and her younger sister who had been molested physically and sexually for most of their lives, and they would recreate this on me until I was about 9, when at her birthday party, we watched one of her friends get hit by a truck. I wasn't allowed back over there.
Years following I started smoking, doing drugs, drinking, partying every single day. At 17, I became sexual and immediately after, promiscuous, which led to a lot of extreme hatred towards myself, and then I was raped, so I started settling down.
My mom had had a child and made me drop out of school and lose my free ride to college to take care of him. I started staying at friends houses whenever I didn't have to take care of him. I got arrested for stealing food, and after I got home from jail, I really settled down, and started acting right. Two months later I met Dustin. He helped me get my GED, my license, and we moved in together.
3 years later and now we're here. I skipped a lot. But, anyways, for my whole life I've had extreme mood problems. Days have themes, and even one small trigger like the hiccups, or it being hot in a room, or not being able to find a brush sets me off and I start having anxiety attacks, screaming, throwing objects, and or being way too belligerent to fit the situation. Moments later I realize what I'm doing and then the rest of the night is me apologizing and thinking that I've ruined everything.
Some days I'll be extremely suicidal quite suddenly with no trigger and it doesn't go away for a very long time.
I'm paranoid, narcissistic, and I sometimes have mystical thoughts about myself. I am too poor to go to a psychiatrist, and Dustin says there is nothing wrong with me. I want to make sure that our relationship thrives for our son, and I feel he's in denial about how I am. He always forgives me. Says all it is is me overreacting.
I feel that that overreacting will scar my son, and will ruin our relationship and I feel that if I could grow up more, if I could just see what I'm doing, what really is setting me off, what it is that ultimately is my problem whether it's PTSD or anxiety, that I could help myself and my family out. I don't want to tell him that I'll marry him until I'm at least a little better, and I'll admit I've made remarkable strides since he and I met. But I seem to be stuck now. What can I do to help myself grow up? To get past these things?
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