Avatar Posted by edwardhacker 240 days ago (Question)
I am 21, and have a 6 month old son with my 25 year old boyfriend. He was a bit of an accident, especially since Dustin and I no intentions of ever having children, but is now the joy of our lives.
Dustin and I never wanted to marry either, but it has become frequent topic as of late.

I'm not so sure about it. I have some pretty terrible baggage that he's aware of (for the most part), a lot of which could hinder me from being a good mother, a could-be good wife, and a happy person in general.

I have a lot of "daddy issues", far too extensive then to be explained easily, but the man who actually raised me was wonderful and caring, but quite the child,himself.

My mom has clear favorites and I was the least of which out of 4 (now 5) children.

At 5 I met a girl in school and her younger sister who had been molested physically and sexually for most of their lives, and they would recreate this on me until I was about 9, when at her birthday party, we watched one of her friends get hit by a truck. I wasn't allowed back over there.

Years following I started smoking, doing drugs, drinking, partying every single day. At 17, I became sexual and immediately after, promiscuous, which led to a lot of extreme hatred towards myself, and then I was raped, so I started settling down.

My mom had had a child and made me drop out of school and lose my free ride to college to take care of him. I started staying at friends houses whenever I didn't have to take care of him. I got arrested for stealing food, and after I got home from jail, I really settled down, and started acting right. Two months later I met Dustin. He helped me get my GED, my license, and we moved in together.

3 years later and now we're here. I skipped a lot. But, anyways, for my whole life I've had extreme mood problems. Days have themes, and even one small trigger like the hiccups, or it being hot in a room, or not being able to find a brush sets me off and I start having anxiety attacks, screaming, throwing objects, and or being way too belligerent to fit the situation. Moments later I realize what I'm doing and then the rest of the night is me apologizing and thinking that I've ruined everything.

Some days I'll be extremely suicidal quite suddenly with no trigger and it doesn't go away for a very long time.

I'm paranoid, narcissistic, and I sometimes have mystical thoughts about myself. I am too poor to go to a psychiatrist, and Dustin says there is nothing wrong with me. I want to make sure that our relationship thrives for our son, and I feel he's in denial about how I am. He always forgives me. Says all it is is me overreacting.

I feel that that overreacting will scar my son, and will ruin our relationship and I feel that if I could grow up more, if I could just see what I'm doing, what really is setting me off, what it is that ultimately is my problem whether it's PTSD or anxiety, that I could help myself and my family out. I don't want to tell him that I'll marry him until I'm at least a little better, and I'll admit I've made remarkable strides since he and I met. But I seem to be stuck now. What can I do to help myself grow up? To get past these things?





Answers


bella
240 days ago
Hi - sorry for all you've been through and its good you want to get help to improve yourself and for your child/BF. Are there any free medical clinics in your area or even an anger management course. Parenting classes would be good too and sometimes are offered through community medical associations. Due to your history, it would be wise to get evaluated...especially since you feel out of control sometimes.

It sounds like you have a good man, so getting stable is something to aim for. I recommend anyone to attend parenting classes to learn positive discipline and parenting. For now trying to deal with the out of control reactions would be a good start but longterm, you need to address where all this is coming from.

When you start feeling upset, have a plan on how to offset the anger - let your partner know what works best...like leaving the area until you calm down. Try to control the ripple affect - this is when something/someone upsets you and this bleeds to others or ruins the whole day. Isolate the anger and try not to let it affect others parts. This only works if you're not completely out of control. For smaller triggers like not finding a brush - ask yourself "will this really matter 5 yrs from now"? It would be worth the money to at least take an anger control course and look into parenting classes. Best of luck.
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robertremando
239 days ago
set yourself goals, easy reachable goals that you know are reasonable for yourself. Start with 3-4 immediate goals (over the next month completed), a few mid term (6 months) and a long term goal or two (next year, two years or so). This will help you to feel like you are getting somewhere and provide you with the proof that you will if you try.

learn to deal with your anxiety all on your own. When you feel irritated or nervous; try and find some space from others, do something active such as a walk, bike ride, lifting weights..whatever works for you? Also take the time to think about the way that you react when you are anxious or under stress. Help yourself realize how the way you are feeling effects others, just take a step back from yourself. Also if you are on any medications for anxiety or panick attacks...especially antidepressants. Over time (a long time, like 6months-2 years) see if you can ween yourself down and maybe even quit taking them if they just stagnate your emotions. I know it took me two years to ween off but I've been happier ever since.

You are very fortunate, sounds like you have an understanding and good man at your side and a child that you adore. Keep them on mind whenever you feel things are feeling tough.

Most of all, don't panic. Be gentle with yourself as you would be gentle with a child. We need to be able to treat ourselves well and love ourselves in order to love and treats others well. You appear to have that down pretty good though. Again the don't panic part. Worrying is like a rocking chair..you can rock and rock but you ain't going anywhere. Rocking chairs are actually supposed to be relaxing :P Anxiety is kind of like walking passed a dark alley...if you keep thinking somebody is going to jump out at you, then in your mind it has already happened and you have stressed far in advance about something that is not so likely as you might've thought.

But don't go walking around passed dark alleys to prove it to yourself haha. But work on yourself and test yourself..you're worried about being a bad mom? seek out good mothering techniques, trust your instincts and then trial and error. You're probably a lot better at this than you might think.

Take Care
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