I don't know how to explain it other than it's like the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. My weaker side reaches out for help; wants help; wants to make everything normal. My cold side believe people are just pawns in a game; has no conscience at all; just does what it is conducive for me. It's been like this for as long as I can remember (I'm a 19-year-old female; in school - math major, physics minor). Let me start from the beginning.

I talk to myself. Not just conversation, but I construct worlds where I can be anything and everything that I desire. I can be a goddess or I can be as low as they come. I lose hours/days on these 'daydreams'; I act them out when I'm by myself; they consume my thoughts when I'm with others.

When speaking to someone in-person/face-to-face, I'm compelled to lie. Not really to hide anything but because I can. That's my cold side. Actual face-to-face conversations are nothing but games to me; I analyze the person, see their societal weaknesses and choose whether or not I want to play with them. If I don't, I sit and produce viable feedback. It's like I feed off of it. Playing with someone's weaknesses without them necessarily knowing it's me producing this discomfort relieves my boredom.

My weaker side knows that I am a liar/fake. It wants help; it wants to be normal. It wants to interact with people authentically but it can't. It wants to tell everybody the truth, but my cold side is stronger. I can't control when they come out but no one has ever seen my weaker side.

Everything in my head is so cluttered. It's like I'm in a crowd and everyone is yelling but I can't hear individual voices; it's like white noise. I can't complete things either. I haven't finished anything with meaning for almost a decade now. I just want to be normal.


Answers


Chemar
664 days ago
Hello

from what you have described, the best advice I can offer is that you see a mental health professional. We could speculate, but that would not be helpful to you at all IMHO

The physician would need to know on how long this behavior has been manifest and other aspects of your mental and physical health.

I do hope you will consider seeing someone. Maybe start with a behavioral health therapist as well as a complete physical checkup at your doctor and then see what is recommended.



searaypaul
663 days ago
You are not alone. I am basically two different people too. I have been my whole life, age 39 now. My good side is the most outgoing, friendliest,loving and optimistic person there is. I know right from wrongand can pretty well do anything I put my mind to. My problem is there is this horrible side to me that always interferes and is running my life and slowly destroying it. I am at the end of rope here, and I need help before it is too late. I can't do this alone. I hope you can get the necessary help you need! Best of luck!



animeownsmysoul
655 days ago
YOU'RE EXACTLY LIKE ME!!!! I THOUGHT I WAS JUST CREATIVE AND A LIAR OR SOMETHING! I CANT BELIEVE OTHER PEOPLE DO THIS! when im walking home or something i pretend im somebody else and i talk to the other people in this world. and i run around like im in this world, i completely act it out. and when im with people i feel like i HAVE to lie to them. and i love my friends to death by i lie to them all the time and i feel bad, bad at the same time i dont. my brain is all scattered too. its harder for me to make longer coherent sentences and i have a hard time time explaining myself. but in my head everything makes sense. i'm going to mention this to my psychiatrist now, now that i know other people feel like this too.