I don't know how to explain it other than it's like the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. My weaker side reaches out for help; wants help; wants to make everything normal. My cold side believe people are just pawns in a game; has no conscience at all; just does what it is conducive for me. It's been like this for as long as I can remember (I'm a 19-year-old female; in school - math major, physics minor). Let me start from the beginning.
I talk to myself. Not just conversation, but I construct worlds where I can be anything and everything that I desire. I can be a goddess or I can be as low as they come. I lose hours/days on these 'daydreams'; I act them out when I'm by myself; they consume my thoughts when I'm with others.
When speaking to someone in-person/face-to-face, I'm compelled to lie. Not really to hide anything but because I can. That's my cold side. Actual face-to-face conversations are nothing but games to me; I analyze the person, see their societal weaknesses and choose whether or not I want to play with them. If I don't, I sit and produce viable feedback. It's like I feed off of it. Playing with someone's weaknesses without them necessarily knowing it's me producing this discomfort relieves my boredom.
My weaker side knows that I am a liar/fake. It wants help; it wants to be normal. It wants to interact with people authentically but it can't. It wants to tell everybody the truth, but my cold side is stronger. I can't control when they come out but no one has ever seen my weaker side.
Everything in my head is so cluttered. It's like I'm in a crowd and everyone is yelling but I can't hear individual voices; it's like white noise. I can't complete things either. I haven't finished anything with meaning for almost a decade now. I just want to be normal.
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