I'm really starting to drive myself crazy. I was never like this before my boyfriend cheated on me. I used to be so understanding and kind of 'whatever' about everything because nothing seemed to bother me.
My boyfriend went away to school in a town about two hours away from me two summers ago. While he was there he began talking to this girl on the internet he used to have a "sexual relationship" with. I found out less than a week after he talked to her because I went on his computer and found the messages. I took him back and explained to him that nothing would be the same anymore, and that there will be consequences to what he's done. After that he started lying compulsively about things I'm still to this day finding out.
It's been a year since he's cheated on me with this girl, ever since then I find out more and more about the things he lied about. He admitted to me that he and this girl used to talk dirty to each other over the phone and internet and it would excite him enough to masturbate. He had also told me that she wasn't the only one he had done that with and there had been at least three others but she was the only one while we were dating. He said the only reason why he lied was because he was he was so ashamed of what he did and he was trying to cover up the fact that he used to do this a lot before we started dating.
Like I said, I told him that things would be different and that I can't trust him, but we fight so much because I don't trust him at all. Sometimes I don't even trust him to go to the store or hang out with his friends or even talk to his friends at all. I'm acting crazy because I don't trust him. I need to know what he's doing constantly which I know drives him crazy. I never used to be like this, I miss the old me so badly and I know he does too.
We have been dating for two years now and I'm realizing he's not the guy he told me he was because he lied so much in the beginning of our relationship. He made constant white lies about who he was and the things he did and liked so I would like him. I hope he understands that I love him just the way he is and I would understand why he did the things he did if he just tells me the truth, because when he lies it never adds up right, so I question him. then we start to fight. He swears that he's changed that he wont lie anymore. The fact that I cant trust is tearing us apart.
How am I supposed to believe him after all the lies and broken promises?
I desperately need someone's advise
Thank you so much for reading


Answers


Chemar
1499 days ago
Hi

sadly when trust is broken, it is often very hard to regain it and even small things become large because of it

I think you need to weigh carefully whether the unhappiness caused by this broken trust is worth it. There is no magic fix to help you regain trust. Sometimes people can move past it and still manage to stay together, but I think the niggling always remains



bella
1498 days ago
Hi Helen - there's one part of your post that's very important and I'm going to put it in quotes:

------------------------------------------------------------

"We have been dating for two years now and I'm realizing he's not the guy he told me he was because he lied so much in the beginning of our relationship. He made constant white lies about who he was and the things he did and liked so I would like him. I hope he understands that I love him just the way he is and I would understand why he did the things he did if he just tells me the truth, because when he lies it never adds up right, so I question him. then we start to fight. He swears that he's changed that he wont lie anymore. The fact that I cant trust is tearing us apart."

--------------------------------------------------------------

If this was a case where he cheated, it's possible to work on the relationship. Sometimes it's impossible to re-establish trust again. What makes this even more complicated, is that he mislead you from the beginning with lies. He misrepresented himself, so you would like him - you fell in love with a fictitious person.

Imagine if you go and buy an appliance and on the box it makes all these claims about how great it is. You open the box and realize it's not what you thought it was. He didn't lie because he was ashamed - what a ridiculous statement. People who cheat lie because they don't want to get caught. Affairs are exciting and they lie to keep the thrill going.

Sometimes we love people who aren't good for us. You don't want to get serious with this guy and end up married and stuck. Why should you trouble yourself like this - you deserve so much better. How can you patch up a relationship, that was full of lies from the beginning. I know what I'm saying sounds harsh, but it's the truth. Please don't be blind to the reality of this relationship - I don't think it's going to get better.



Psycent
1493 days ago
Well its time to face facts, there is no trust ,no respect and the relationship is causing you a lot of stress, so why be in it?

Realise one very important thing : You cannot control him no matter what you do! Its time to work on what you can control i.e. yourself!

Why have you changed as a person? why have you relinquished the power you have over your life and made it dependent on some else and their behaviour?

Why are you so desperate to be with this person? Are you scared that you won't find anyone better ? Do you believe you will never find a more suitable person? Why have you made this relationship the be all and end all of your life?

Any relationship including that with one's own parents is just one small part of who we are. And if one small part of us is ruining our entire being then it time to heal it, and if that is not possible, remove it!