Avatar Posted by Bar1314 52 days ago (Question)
hi,
I just started college this fall, and I've been having a hard time coping with stress and change. I'm not sure about what to do.
I didn't have such a great experience in high school. I had a lack of friends, weird relationships with people, really low self-esteem, and low confidence. I was also depressed for almost all of my time in high school.
Also, my parents divorced when I was 8 because my father was abusive. Now I have a dysfunctional relationship with my dad. And just last year, I realized my mom isn't such a good role model either. (I live with my mom) After my parents divorced, my mom got into another relationship for 5-6 years which was disastrous. Both my brothers hated this guy, and we had a lot of fights in the house. They broke up.
Back to the problem I'm addressing: I'm a straight A student and I always thought that working harder in school would make me happier in the end, despite the stress. But, this summer, I got rejected to a summer program and it completely devastated me. I also had an unrealistic goal about getting extra money in scholarships through college. I felt like I suffered too much in life, so I should be compensated for it. But this concept about my life was completely shattered, and I found no point in all the hard work and suffering I've ever done in life. Things were supposed to get better, but they weren't like the way I wanted them to. And hard work and suffering wasn't helping.

Ever since then, I've been really confused about life. Events in my life feel irrelevant. For example, I got a 4 year scholarship, and I felt relieved, but my reaction was abnormally toned down. Things just happen, and I don't get extremely excited or depressed. While my inner mood has been recently changing a lot, my cognitive reaction to things are just extremely toned down. I'm also very forgetful of activities I do. I just do things for the sake of doing them, and then I forget about them. What should I do?
The school work recently started raking in, and I have a hard time dealing with all the stress I put on myself. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping. And I've developed a slight compulsion for trying to get rid of stress, which has only made me more stressed. I also get overly anxious about the future. I realized that all this anxiety and stress isn't helping me out, and I don't know how to get rid of it.

I have no idea where I am in life right now. I want to learn how to deal with stress. I'm also, in a sense, cognitively dissociated with everyday events that happen in my life. I kind of gloss over the day and find myself stressing out about school all the while. I've distanced myself from friends because of these habits.

As I side note, I wrote all of this because my brother just suggested that I was crazy, while I was talking to him about a crazy idea I had for a school project. I got really offended because I can't really tell if I'm not crazy, but I didn't say anything. I feel very awkward around my brother, and sometimes I do weird things because of my anxiety around him, which makes me seem crazy. But lately, I've been starting to think that I'm actually crazy because I can't tell if the perceptions I own are real or not.


Answers

Written by psyguy 52 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I applaud your personal insightfulness, and your ability to lay bare the issues you feel are impacting your life. You've stated some remarkably deep comments about the nature of your life experience and, without having met you, I can confidently say that I understand why you achieve consistently high marks in school. It obvious that you have a gifted intellect and a thirst for knowledge.

First and foremost, you are not crazy. In my professional experience, crazy people (not an authentic diagnosis) rarely know, or accept, that they operate far outside the norm. Moreover, they strongly resist change, having conditioned themselves to accept their behaviors as the norm within their environments. I'm certain you would agree with this assessment, in it's most base terms.

Truth be told, all people (sane or not so sane) have difficulties, challenges, obstacles, and ill behaviors. Every one, myself included, faces the very human experience of being flawed from birth to death. But it's this experience that strengthens us, helps us to grow as we work through life. And, you my friend, are at one of many junctures that will allow for new change and growth.

From what I've read above, knowing only this much of you, I would guess that you've spent a lot of time and energy being hard on yourself. Perhaps you have an urge to please others, through scholastic achievement, or some other route, as you claim to feel a low sense of self-worth and/or low self-esteem. As a consequence, you probably feel you are somehow responsible for more than your fair share, taking some blames that aren't yours to take. It's possible that you also feel a bit socially awkward, somewhat different than your peers, and likely experience a kind of self-adopted suffering over family dysfunctions.

Rest assured, you aren't alone. Many people share these experiences. A common difficult among people today is low self-worth and poor perception of themselves and their lives. Much of your stress probably comes by way of your perception of yourself and your life... perhaps looking at the glass as half empty rather than half full?

Perception is more than half the battle when addressing life's challenges. Stress, itself, can rise from poor perceptions of our abilities to face these challenges. And the real nail in the proverbial coffin lid is the preemptive belief that we will fail, even before we try. Doubt is among the worst obstacles we face in life.

Try this during the week. Pick a challenge... like a classroom, a social gathering, a project, etc. Remind yourself beforehand of how gifted you truly are, how strong you are to have survived a tough childhood, how you are an equal to everyone around yourself. Than, confidently, without thought of failure, engage in any of the following...

Reaching outside your comfort zone socially, impress another by just being yourself, complete an assignment without fear of the questions you may have missed, share something funny with another, etc. You've got the idea. Most importantly, if it doesn't go perfectly according to plan, don't punish yourself over it. Try, try again.

When we change the perception we hold for ourselves, our lives, and others, to that of a positive nature, often stress and anxiety subsides and we begin to experience happiness and contentment anew. And, the more we practice confidence in ourselves, looking through a positive framework, and being comfortable with ourselves just as we are, the more it enhances our life experience.

I'm glad you posted here. Keep up the good work and, please, don't be too hard on yourself. We're just human after all.

Written by Bar1314 38 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thank you so much for your response.

I tried some of your recommendations. I'm trying to look at my life from a less judgmental standpoint. I'm trying to be easier on myself too.

Here are a few things that have been on my mind that I need help with.

(1) My stress with college work hasn't gotten better. A little worse actually. I have occasional headaches. But I feel like I might be starting to learn how to deal with stress at school. It's very hard though, because I realize that I have a lot of stress from my relationship with family and friends. I mentioned before that my mom went through a divorce starting when I was 8, then got into a horrible relationship with someone else until I was about 14. Now, my mom has re-connected with her former lover from 30 years ago. This time, it's a wiser relationship. But I feel neglected by my mother. She has a complete inability of showing affection. She supports me in every way possible, but not emotionally. I used to feel very lonely at home, now not as much. But she was never able to help me with my issues. When I told her about problems I had, she'd just sit there and not say anything, not knowing what to do. This often got me frustrated, and she can't handle people being angry at her, especially men. She gets very defensive. Anyways, I feel neglected by my mother because she's always working, chatting on the phone with her lover, or too busy to pay attention to me or my needs, especially now that I'm going through my first semester of college. And she's planning to move to Maine in a 9 months or so... We live in nyc. As a parent, she should at least help me figure out how to move.

It's very difficult for me to live without receiving affection. It's actually very painful. So all of that is a cause for stress too. I never thought of it as directly relating to stress, but I realize that it most definitely is part of it. I’m not sure what to do about that.

(2) I hate my brother. I know it's unhealthy, but I have serious contempt for him. I don't know why.

Just now, I had a brief conversation with him. And I'll describe it in detail: I was lying on the couch. He comes over and sits, leaning over me (we never have much physical contact, but this was an exception). He asks me if I have a walkman. I say yes, but I don't know where it is. (I didn't want to go searching for it this late). I wasn't looking at him directly and my arms were crossed. I tend to feel uncomfortable around him. So he asks me if I'm cold

(my arms were crossed). I said no, and that I was crossing my arms only to keep warm, which I was. And he insists that I'm cold. I said I wasn't. I really wasn't. Then he says that I have pimples on my face (which he tends to point out). I already know this, and I only have 2 or 3. not very noticeable. He says, "you need to start taking care of yourself"...

I thought that that was very condescending. As if I don't know how to take care of myself... He has always put me down as a child. Now, it's a bit more subtle. But he is very controlling. (he then went to ask my mother if she would lend him her walkman instead). I would describe that situation almost as a double bind. (I had to read a paper on it for english) But I wouldn't know exactly.

And recently, I've had trouble with the fact that I always competitively compare myself with my brother. I always want to be the opposite of him. better than him. And I don't like it. but I can't help it. our short chat, brought back my headache almost instantaneously. Sometimes, I feel like he gives out a false projection of himself, and that my opinion often goes unnoticed...He really was verbally abusive to me when I was smaller.

Also, there are many cars close to my house, and they wake me up early in the morning. That also causes me stress. I'm planning to move, but I don't feel like I have support. But I know I have to move out for the better, just to get away from this nonsense.

But can you please give me insight about affection, regarding my mother, and relationships with both my mother and brother? Why do you think I'm so competitive with my brother? My brother is controlling and puts me down, how can I deal with this?

Written by Clyde 45 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I definitely dont consider you "crazy". Crazy is not actually a good word to use, either, especially on a mental health question and answer site, but still...

I think you are a very talented, gifted individual who is pushing themselves too hard and when you fail, no matter how small and slight the fail is, you treat yourself like crap because of what happened.

Why not try to be more forgiving of yourself, and believe in your self and your accomplishments? Be comfortable with WHO YOU ARE--not what you just want to be. When you are not comfortable with what you just want to be, you will go out of your way to get to it.

Best,

Clyde


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