I know this is going to sound silly and trivial, but honestly my fear of cockroaches has reached an unhealthy extent, I think. I've had it for as long as I can remember, but over the years I think it has gotten worse. Just thinking about the fat, brown, disgusting creatures and their details literally makes me shudder and want to throw up. Everything about them makes me sick. It's not insects in general; I don't mind most of them. And I'm a Wiccan and believe that all life and nature should be respected, but... But seriously! I can't stand these things. When I see them, it's like my entire brain freezes. I can't think, and suddenly I feel like my life is in danger or something. I scream bloody murder and run as fast as I can out of the room. And after that it takes me at least 10 minutes to really calm down again but I'm left with this feeling of paranoia.
I'm afraid to open certain drawers and closets because I'm afraid one might come out. I hesitate even moving certain items off of a desk. I never look under my bed or dresser because I'm afraid one will be down there. I'm afraid to walk into certain rooms at night. They scare me dead and alive. I have black sheets, and several times during the night I'll wake up feeling suddenly paranoid and turn on all the lights, take off my sheets, and make sure there aren't any roaches on my bed. If I lack sleep, I hallucinate seeing these things or hearing them hiss.
I've had quite a few bad experiences with them as well. The most horrific(and embarrassing!) one was back in the summer I was using the toilet in the guest room in the middle of the night. My sister as in the living room and we were watching movies. I turned to grab the toilet paper, and right there was the disgusting creature and it was so close to me. And then I was in a lockdown again, and I ran into the livingroom screaming my head off with my pants still down. That's how afraid of them I am. My whole family teases me about it. Even my friends.
Last year, in school, someone found one and put it in my bag. I will never forget that. During that same year someone... that person that I used to know... well, she pushed me into the old closet in the theatre with roaches on the floor and wouldn't let me out. I was crying and having a panic attack and begging her to let me out. It was filmed, and I was humilliated.
I hate hate hate hate them!! I really do. I don't think I've ever hated anything so much. I would never kill one, and I freak out even more if someone kills one in front of me. Just the crunch and... asidufhasdiufhasdf. And last night I had a horrible nightmare about them, which is I think why I came for help on here. I dreamt of the horrible things that scared me. /She/ was right there, she was coming at me, and suddenly there were just roaches /everywhere/. Everywhere and it was like it was a sea of them and I was drowning in them. It was so horrible. Ugghghhnn.
How can I overcome this fear?! I'm so sick and tired of it, and I hate them so so much.
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