Avatar Posted by janice4111 86 days ago (Question)
Every night when it's time to go to bed I get overwhelmed with thoughts of fear and anxiety. The fear and anxiety comes from me having to leave home for the first time to start college in the fall. I have always lived with the responsibility of taking care of my 14 year old younger sister due to the fact that my parents had a horrible relationship and got divorced when both of us were young. My mother has now moved out and we are living with my father. I have to mention that we dont have a healthy relationship with our parents either. When we spend time with one of them all we hear are complaints about the other parent. My biggest fear is leaving my younger sister when I leave, going through the divorce and many tough obstacles in our lives, I have found that my sister and I have become incredibly close and I cant imagine leaving her at home to deal with what I would call mental abuse from my parents. I cant lie my parents are both amazing parents, the only issue is that they hate eachother and we (the kids) are the ones that hear about it. How can I stop the anxiety and the feeling of guilt that I get at night? Can I leave for school with a feeling of relief that my little sister will be okay? The thing is I couldn't imagine how I could handle being in her place.
I need some helping advice,


Answers

Written by bellacutie 86 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree that you are experiencing anxiety and I can understand how some of your worries are legitmate. It's really very sad that your parents are putting you both through this stress.

I'm a firm believer that regardless of what crap goes on between the parents - the children should not be subjected to any of it. Except in extremme cases of abuse I think it's imperative for divorced parents to be civil and get along because, even though they're not a couple anymore - they are still 'in the business'

of raising children and this should be their prioity. I always use the famous example of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis - I'm not saying all exes should go on vacations together like them, but at least be considerate, polite or civil.

It's very unfair that children who love both parents should have to hear awful things said about the other parent. The home should be a safe peaceful place not a battleground. How can people who once loved each other turn into hating each other. These emotions become toxic for everyone involved and waste away precious time in peoples lives.

I think you should let both your parents read this post so they realize how damaging their behavior is. Tell them they both need to get into counselling and to cut out the hostility especially talking garbage to you/sister. When they talk to you - tell them you don't want to play psychologist or hear them anymore(tell your sister the same thing). Tell them to look up how Demo Moore handled her divorce and it's not because she's rich but mature in her thinking.

It's not surprising that with all this stress that you have ended up with anxiety. I think you should still go away to college but make sure your parents know - they better shape up for your sisters sake and theirs. All this stress is very unhealthy for them too. You sound very mature and make sure you keep in touch with your sister.

When you feel the anxiety starting, try doing some slow deep breathing and reassure yourself that everything will work out. Writing in a journal would also be helpful. Most colleges have counsellors if you don't feel better soon. I think the reason it happens at night is because it's quiet with no distractions and many peoples worries creep in at bedtime. Tell your parents nicely that this has to stop because it's destructive for the children and everyone involved. Best of luck in college. Hugs, Bella.

Written by OldGeezer 85 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Wow Janice, you do have legit reasons for your worries and anxieties. Bellacutie, as usual, gave you some very good information however, I'd just like to add one (or more) things to her suggestions...

You sound a lot like I was when my sister and I were growing up as my parents split up when I was 4 and my sister was 16 months younger than me. When I turned 5 my mother literally shook me to my core by telling me in no uncertain terms (being so young, I'd never heard that "tone" in her voice before and honestly, I feared for my life!)that I was to be the "man of the house" now and it was MY responsibility to watch and care for my little sister. I never told her just how much she scared the crap out of me when she told me that because, as it turned out, through 4 stepfathers, I did manage to do just what she asked and besides, what is in the past needn't be rehashed unless it needs to be in MY book. But I do know what it feels like to lie there at night with all those feelings of overwhelming responsibilities hits and the basic fear of the unknown scares one almost to death.

I certainly hope that each parent reads what you've written here and shapes up, so to speak.

You might just tell them that you feel so strongly about this that if you learn that things aren't going well with your sister, it WILL probably affect your GPA and you wouldn't want to leave college due to feeling the need to "rescue" your sister from them. I wouldn't let your sister know this little fact since at her age, teens tend to use emotional blackmail against parents if they can and you wouldn't want her to keep saying to your folks, "If you don't do this or that for me, I'll tell Janice...etc." You know what I mean?

Other than that. I wish you well in college if that is what you decide. I'd totally understand your reasoning for postponing college over this if problems arise anytime from now until you leave regarding you and/or your sister.

I do wish you well. Isn't it "fun" being the elder sibling in the family? Just kidding and hope you smiled at least.

Written by Clyde 80 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I too think you should let your parents read this. They will understand the fear and worry that you have put on yourself by them.

It does seem like you have a lot of anxiety, understandably so, and you may have to go through a therapist to work this out.

IF you dont print this out for them, talk to them, let them understand how you are feeling.

Best,

Clyde


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