Avatar Posted by dp2891 96 days ago (Question)
how do i tell my mother that she needs a shrink? she's very sensitive about everything. i'm thinking i may need my sister on my side but she may just be becoming a "mini-her".


Answers

Written by bellacutie 96 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Has she always been like this? How old are you? perhaps she's in menopause or has real problems. Write back with some examples. If you just blirt it out she will most likely be insulted. Many teenagers do go through stages where they know everything and call their parents crazy LOL.

Written by JunieBeatrice 96 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi. My mother is bipolar and there are times when she is off her medication that she needs to see her shrink. I do not dare tell her this because in those states she is not at all ready to hear that. So in other ways I tell her that I care and that I realize something is wrong. A lot of times she does not even realize anything is wrong yet or she is manic and does not want to stop the mania. It is her choice to take the medication but sometimes I just ask very politely if she has taken her medication. And she will ask me if I think she needs to. And I say yes. Usually then she will take her medication then. Sometimes I just tell her Mom, you seem a little on edge today. Would a nap be helpful? Usually that keys her into how she is doing and she will ask me for more feedback or realize that she is not well at the moment.

Not knowing much about your situation or your ways of communicating with your mother, it is hard to say the best way to tell her that you are concerned that she needs help. Sometimes if you have to say something hard, you can say it best written down in a letter. Just be prepared to talk to the person after they read it in a calm collected fashion. Sometimes if a person is in danger, like they want to kill themselves and it seems likely that they may try to do so, you have to take action and get someone else involved to help the situation and keep them safe. If it is more like an issue with one thing getting out of control like alcohol or drugs or something, you may want to enlist the help of a teacher or a pastor or someone that you trust that would be independent of the situation but also in the position to help get your mom some help. These suggestions certainly do not cover every situation and yours may be something completely different than what I have suggested here. Please feel free to respond and maybe explain a bit more what is going on so the suggestions given can be more tailored to your situation. In the meantime, all the best to you, Junie.

Written by dp2891 96 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

im 27, shes 50. she finds things to argue about, she always did but now it's worse. she started doing it with my wife now. i cant joke with her, she gets upset and cries cuz she takes everything so seriously. its like she could use a few glasses of wine and everything would be great.

Written by JunieBeatrice 95 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi. Thanks for writing back and giving slightly more information. In this last post, it almost sounded to me that you were feeling a bit annoyed with your mom. That is okay, feelings are not bad, what we do with them can sometimes be a problem though.

I do not know how you try to joke with her, perhaps you can send some examples. A lot of times the tone of our voice or the subject can be harder to take then other things. If you are joking with your mom about how she is crazy, she might react and feel like crying. Sometimes we step in "land mines" in someone else. We say something which ordinarily would not be hurtful but because someone has a wound there, it hurts them. We are not to blame for that wound but we do take responsibility for adding salt to it. For example: if I was having a conversation with my mom who is bipolar and she was taking an IMO unreasonable stance on an issue and I were to say to her, "oh Mom, that is just your bipolar talking." I would then be stepping on a landmine and she would either get angry or get sad. I am not responsible for her having bipolar but I need to be sensitive to the fact that she has it. Does that make sense? So instead of pointing out that her bipolar is adding unreasonableness to an issue, instead I would try to think how she is thinking about the issue, validate that and then gently suggest something else. For example if my mom feels slighted because none of her friends have called for a week, this type of thing gets easily blown out of proportion in my mother. For my mom that feels like abandonment. It can lead her to a deep depression where she will not leave her room for days and days. So instead of telling her it is her bipolar talking, I will say something like, "I know that is hard to feel like no one cares about you. But I am here and I care. We also do not know what is going on with your friends. Perhaps they are sick or not feeling well. Do you want to try to give them a call and see how they are? If not that's okay. You and I can always go get some coffee and stop by the antique store and browse for a bit. What sounds good to you?" Do you see the difference in what I say?

I do not have really any good advice for the arguing. I tend to think it takes two to argue. I do not argue with my mom hardly ever even though almost every day there is something that could easily turn into an arguement. If your mom is finding things like, "Your house needs cleaning." and says that to your wife, there is then a choice to be made. A reaction could be made out of annoyance or frustration and then an argument ensues, or a choice could be made to shrug the comment off. A non-argument choice response could be a simple shrug of the shoulder and a non-commitive to change response like, "Yeah I suppose it does." After your mom leaves then rant to each other about it but by not choosing to engage in an arguement, you may find your life less stressful. Now I do not know what your mom is arguing with you about so it could be something more serious and then that advice perhaps would not work but maybe it will give some food for thought.

I had one more thought. When you said that your mom could use a few glasses of wine and then everything would be okay, it sounds like you feel your mom needs to relax. I do not advocate using substances in most cases to relax, partially because of my own genetic makeup and a tendency in my family towards addictive behaviours. However, there are other activities that can be relaxing. A round of golf. A quilt club. Volunteering. How is your mom's social circle? Does she have hobbies? Does she do things with friends? Having other outlets may help some of the tension in your mom. If she does not have good social network already perhaps help her find ways to build one, or help her get involved in a hobby or charity.

Good luck, I hope things improve with your relationship with your mom. It may take a lot of work on both your part and your mom's part but it can also be very rewarding so I hope you give it a shot.

All my best, Junie

Written by debbih 95 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Junie - your answer is very helpful to me. I am dealing with a 90 year old mother, who will not agree to medical help and she is projecting her feelings on my life on a DAILY basis. I have rheumatoid arthritis and it is not easy for me to deal with this stress. I am consulting 2 therapists, one to help me deal with my health issues, and another who works specifically with the elderly. The therapist who works with the elderly is advising me as to how I can attempt to detach from my mom's bizarre behavior and accusations.

Please write me if you have the time, as I would truly appreciate your advice.

Debbi

Written by JunieBeatrice 94 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi Debbi. Can you give an example of how she projects her feelings onto your life? What type of medical help does your mom need? Is it that she needs medication? Does she need help with transitioning to assisted living? Can you give me a little more information? Thanks Junie

Written by Clyde 83 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Can you and her find ways to do things to relax together? Movies or the like?

Best,

Clyde


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