Avatar Posted by scottkidd 236 days ago (Question)
I feel like I need to kill myself. I've felt this way for awhile now I have no idea what is holding me back. For the past 9 months I have heard this voice telling me I'm too fucked up for this world and I need to die. I've never been a bad kid, most people say I'm really mature for my age but I disagree. I keep having these urges to kill people or hurt my animals and I don't know why. I've been on various meds all of which have had no effect and I think I've had enough. I have heard about the suicide hotline. What exactly do they do? Are they gonna trace the number and send the police to come shoot me or will they just ask if I want them to send flowers to my funeral? I'm just a little paranoid I guess.


Answers

Written by Edahn 236 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I would imagine that the suicide hotline is there to listen, not to trace your call. You can probably just talk about what you're going through, and that itself has some therapeutic value.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, really. You don't have to believe everything your mind says to you. I too get weird urges to hurt people sometimes, but I just kinda let it go because I know my mind is playing with me, feeding me things that are inappropriate on purpose, precisely because they're inappropriate.

The same goes for this nonsense about you needing to die and not being worthy of life. Deep down, you already know that it's not totally true. People say you're mature, and you yourself say you're not a bad kid. I believe you when you say that, and I don't believe the dialogue in your head that says otherwise.

It might give you some solace to know that EVERYONE has to find ways to deal with their mental chatter and dialogue. I would argue that a person's entire development is dependent on the relationship they develop to that inner dialogue. To that extent, you're WAYYYYY ahead of the game, because your mental dialogue has become SO INTRUSIVE, you can clearly identify it. That's 50% of the job already, and a lot of people never even get there. Maybe that's why people say you're mature.

The other 50% is developing a wise relationship to that dialogue. When you try and fight it and force it to do something -- to be positive, to shut up, to change -- you usually end up making it worse. Have you noticed this? I bet you have. The louder you scream at the voice to shut the fuck up, the louder the voice gets. That's because of the relationship you have with your dialogue, which is confrontational and adversarial. A wise relationship takes time to develop. Like I said, it's what developing as a human being is all about, and no one does it overnight.

The kind of relationship you're aiming for isn't a secret. It's just being kind and having dignity, and to be honest, that's something EVERYONE knows how to do instinctually, they just sometimes need help remembering how to do it. Some people turn to therapist, some people to meditation, some people turn to both (like me, who has MAJOR negative self-dialogue in certain really key areas). When I see myself get nervous, first reaction is to make it go away, to shut it out, to cover it up. But I'm starting to see, JUST LIKE YOU ARE, that it doesn't work. What works is being honest with yourself, being kind and gentle, and having integrity. It's a relationship you form with yourself. Not a specific idea but more of an attitude. Sometimes it happen spontaneously, other times it's really hard to do, and it gets better the more you practice.

If you do something to harm yourself, I would be sad. The world would have lost a person who, as much as he has suffered, has also been exposed to facets of life that form the building blocks of real, genuine happiness, not the bullshit kind of happiness you get by money or affiliation or status, but real, sacred happiness. Please be patient with yourself because you have so much already that you are TOTALLY WORTH IT. The voice is afraid. Maybe you can protect it and nurse it back to health.

If you need to talk to someone immediately, call 1-800-SUICIDE. I'd like you to promise me that.

With Care,

Edahn

Written by bellacutie 236 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

HiScott,

I think Edahn summed it all up very nicely. We all have negative dialogue in our heads. You just have to realize you can't listen and believe what it tells you. We've al had those fleeting thoughts when we're really mad, where just for a second we fantasize about wiping that person out. But then we're jolted back to reality.

When people talk to you , do you believe everything they say? I'm sure you would say no. Therefore when you're brain is sending you these disturbing messages, just tell yourself they're lies. Like Edahn said don't get all flustered about, just let the thoughts pass and don't react to them. It's kind of what you would do with a panic attack. The more you fear them, the more intense they will be. But if you say 'oh well here we go again' and just breath and relax into it - chances are they won't bother you as much.

If you're suicidal you need to call and trained professionals will help you. The only time police shoot someone is when its a clear case of self defense. Since you're worried about that, I think deep inside you don't want to die, but you're just scared and confused. The reality is, if you hurt or kill someone they will put you in jail so, you don't want that.

You should go see a doctor as soon as possible. Life is tough sometimes but we have to keep going. You have to find that inner strength to live your life. Everyone deserves to live their life and making mistakes is how we learn to do better. Take care.

Written by Clyde 235 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

They are there to listen to you.

Please seek help/call them immediately.

Best,

Clyde


Log in to answer or register here.