Avatar Posted by KitCat9578 145 days ago (Question)
Firstly, I want to say thank you to everyone who replied to my last post. It means alot. It really does.

I don't know guys... Part of me thinks something is really wrong with me. Another part says I'm fine. That it really is just my imagination. I'm really lost. I don't know weather I should get the help alot of you said I needed to get now, or blow it off, and go on normally. For the past few weeks I've been randomly tired/restless, so I can't think straight. (like the other day I slept 14 hours and then didn't sleep again for maybe 23 hours)

I still have mood swings.

The voices stopped. Even though now, I see faces in alot of weird places. Like I just saw one in my closet. I kept having to look at it, but at the same time, it made my skin crawl. Now I hear buzzing and knocking. Like maybe an hour ago, it sounded like someone was pounding on the front door. I went in there to see who could be knocking at 2:46 in the morning. When I got there, it was no one. I went outside but immediatly had to come back in because it felt like someone was watching, and was going to grab me.

When it's quiet, the buzzing gets so loud, it feels like my head is going to explode. No matter how tight I plug my ears, it keeps getting louder, and louder. Noise makes it soften. I kept having to yell and scream just to make it stop momentarily. As soon as I stopped, it got loud again. It felt like the room was spinning. I fell over. Then it suddenly stopped. It doesn't do it all the time when it's quite,it does it rarely. And only when I'm alone.

And my imagination has been going crazy. Like earlier I was thinking what it would be like if someone put cameras in my house. Knowing there wasn't actually any cameras, I acted like I didn't know they were there. Instead of acting like I normally would, I tried acting perfect for whoever was watching. I got a fake twitch and started pretending like I was talking to voices in my head. I tried to make myself stop, but I couldn't. No matter what I thought, I still kept pretending there was people watching. I couldn't make myself stop, I don't know why. It seemed like someone else was in control. Like I had been pushed out of the driver's seat of my own car, or something along those lines.

Sometimes I get the feeling I'm not real. Like no one is real. Like I'm watching a movie almost. A movie I can't look away from to bring myself back to reality.

I'm starting not to know who I am anymore. I don't really know how to explain it... But it's kinda like when you have a really, really, really close friend. And you know everything about them. Then that friend starts talking to other people, leaving you behind, doing other things. After awhile you get together and you realize, that person's changed and you don't know them anymore. That's kinda how I see myself now.

In spite of all the things that are happening, I blame myself for wanting attention. And that's how I came to the conclusion of why people wont listen. I whine and complain so much, that everyone got tired of me and gave up. I ask one of my "friends" if I complain alot and she said I'm one of the few people she knows who barely complains. I think she was lying though.

I don't know anymore... I think I would just be better off dead sometimes... Hey, if I'm gone they'll be less to worry about in the world, right? Just a problem lefted off everyone's shoulders. With me out of the way, my family wouldn't have to spend money on me, and maybe we wouldn't have so many money problems. You know, suicide doesn't seem like such a bad idea right now.

But I won't do it. I'm a coward. I'm a stupid kid. What am I gonna do? give myself papercuts? No. I'm to scared to do that even... Maybe if I wasn't such a screw-up, my family would give a damn about me.

I guess I'll just end this before I bother you guys with my problems anymore...

Goodnight everyone.
~Cyanne


(I wrote this this morning at like 3:32 am... I didn't actually get to sleep untill 8... I'm keeping a journal of how I'm progressing/regressing.)


Answers

Written by KitCat9578 145 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Sorry this is so long... I had a lot on my mind. I wanted to get it all out before I got caught up in something else and lost it.

Written by Edahn 145 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Am man. Thanks for writing this. I appreciate it. Does it help you relax a little?

Cyanne, if it's getting to annoy you this much, maybe it's time to talk to your parents about getting a therapist to help you relax. I don't think you're crazy, for what it's worth. I actually wonder if you have some anxiety and OCD. Having too much stress can cause a person to feel depersonalized, too.

I'll write a little more tomorrow afternoon. It'll be okay, though. :)

Written by Edahn 144 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi again Cyanne. I promised I'd write so here I am.

Even if you're not sure whether this is just your imagination having a little fun with you, or something else, you can still seek help from someone else. A therapist can help you create a better relationship to your imagination, which, like I said, may just be messing with you. For example, instead of getting all worked up and panicked over what's happening, your therapist can practice relaxing when that happens. Relaxing doesn't mean you have to force everything out to BE relaxed. Instead, you relax WITH IT ALREADY THERE.

It's kind of like a fly buzzing around you. If you get all agitated that the fly is there, you're going to get all worked up and tense. You try and relax, but if you "I'll relax when the flies go away," you're still going to be all worked. If, instead, you just relax and let the flies buzz around a little bit, you'll get a little annoyed but you know that eventually they'll buzz off and you can continue relaxing or doing whatever it is you were doing.

One way you can relax is by repeating something that helps you be patient. Even asking yourself "how patient can I be right now?" is enough to trigger your internal relaxation mechanisms. Be gentle with yourself and do your best and you'll eventually get better and better (even if you have some bad moments -- no big deal).

You can practice patience ALL DAY. It's an amazing skill to develop. It'll help you not get hung up on things. It'll also help you slow down and see what's going on better. When you see what's happening, you have more information and can make better and better decisions for yourself. Like when you get upset at your friends for no apparent reasons. If you're patient and listening, you can see what you're reacting to and decide "do I really have to act this way? Maybe I don't have to do ANYTHING right now and that'll be okay."

Those are a few ideas that might help. I'd suggest you try them for a week and see if they're helping. If you want more help and guidance, then tell your parents in an honest, mature way, which I know you can do. If you are really considering suicide, then you should also tell your parents right away. You can also call 1-800-SUICIDE if you just need to talk.

Written by KitCat9578 141 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I used to have a lot a patience. I was drained of it all after my "friends" decided they could use me as their punching bag.

The buzzing isn't really like flys. It's more like... umm... guitar feed-back? (sorry... Music nerd lol)

Written by Edahn 131 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Patience is really more like an instinct. You can be unpracticed in it, but you can't lose it or be drained of it because it's inside you. That patience we're talking about is not with others so much as it is with yourself. When you're patient with yourself, you can develop true, HEALTHY patience with others, not codependency.

Feedback or flies, it doesn't make a difference. I'm a music nerd too, by the way.

Written by Clyde 144 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I dont think you are crazy either.

I also would suggest telling your parents that you need to see a therapist, and explain whats going on.

I also like the 1-800-SUICIDE number if you really feel drastic.

Best,

Clyde


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