Avatar Posted by cmreznor 207 days ago (Question)
My problem is that I cannot communicate! I cannot be open, comfortable and normal with people without becoming extremely self conscious and anxious. When I'm talking to someone, even if it is on the phone or through the internet, what happens is I will begin to start noticing hot flashes and sweating sensations, especially in my legs. When this happens I guess I begin to monitor my social performance and my mind gets congested with all these thoughts: "what should I say next?" "what if I say something stupid?" "what if he/she notices me sweating and I get put on the spot?" It literally feels like I am reading their mind and I know they're secretly evaluating me, so I start monitoring my performance to make sure I don't embarrass myself or something.

Many times I don't have to be talking to someone for these feelings to arise. When I begin to imagine a situation that would make me feel self-conscious/anxious, like speaking to someone attractive or singing in front of an audience, it will seem as real as if it were actually happening. Sometimes there won't be any obvious "trigger" and the feelings will creep in on me while I am sitting at my desk. This is the worst because as strange as it sounds, it happens so faintly that I won't know i am in the anxiety (or depression?) state until I'm OUT of it and feeling normal again, which can take anywhere from one hour to one week. It literally feels like I just "forget." You know how sometimes when you drive somewhere you realize you don't remember the trip because you fell into a trance-like state during the drive? To me it feels very similar because it just creeps in.

There is one last thing I have noticed. Whenever I encounter a social situation and 1) I don't get self-conscious/anxiety, and 2) I am myself, I get this amazing surge of confidence and I feel like I could tackle the world. It's the same feeling I used to get after I gave a class presentation in school... before the presentation i would feel anxious, but after I was done I felt like I could handle anything and continue giving the presentation the entire day. The bad thing is that this "confident" feeling usually disappears by next morning.

What do I have to do to get over this? I apologize if this post is longer than usual but I just didn't want to leave out details. I am 22 years old and I have been this way since I was in my early teens.

Thanks


Answers

Written by zanzivar 207 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Cmrezor, I think you have just described me! I don't think anyone in the wide world hasn't experienced this. We are full of self-doubt as human beings. We are all so terrified of putting our foot in it (I think I've already done it on this site!) and all afraid of being our true selves.

I think we just have to keep focusing on being ourselves all the time no matter what. If people don't like what we say then we just have to say tough shit. As a mother I try my very best to bring out that kind of person in my children. That is what I want most of all for them. I want them to be able to come to me for whatever problems or trials that they go through. I think the most important part is to find out how they really feel.

You just need to keep practising and practising all the time. Say what is on your mind. Tell people your truth and your truth only. After a while you will be able to say anything and don't forget that people can understand what you are trying to say. Ninty-nine percent of people will hear you and respond.

I also think that you are actually triggering these feelings by imagining situations where you would be self-conscious. What about imagining situations where you wouldn't be self-conscious?

Zanzivar

Written by Edahn 206 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

I think Zanivar gave you good advice.

I too dealt with lots of anxiety. I still do, but it's not as bad now. One thing that has really changed is the way I deal with myself. When I notice symptoms flair up, I try and be kind to myself and keep doing whatever it is I should be doing to the best of my ability (flirting, socializing, engaging, whatever). I also try and give myself room to fuck up. I'm not always this compassionate, but it has worked pretty well over time.

There's a book I started reading that I think you would really, really benefit from. It's entitled "How to control anxiety before it control you" by Albert Ellis, the founder of Cognitive-Behavioral therapy. Ellis personally dealt with lots of social anxiety and did a 180 through the techniques offered in the book, which are simple to follow. The book is also enjoyable to read and discusses the themes I wrote about in this post and much much more.

If you want to order it, click here:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/B0001Q5U5S/ref=ed_oe_h_olp

Best of luck. Don't worry, things will improve.

Edahn

Written by bellacutie 206 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi,

many people who are shy or have anxiety have that over active little nagging voice that monitors their every move. I'm was painfully shy all the way up to high school. You mentioned you're fine when you have to present a school project and that's great because I really struggled with that. That means that you DO have the coping skills to overcome this unmanagable self consciousness.

As your confidence grows stronger that inner voice will become weaker and then you won't have to go through worrying about how you appear to others. When you have confidence, then you won't have to pre-plan everything in your head. Try to tap into the coping skills that you use for class presentations. Also you can read up on self help strategies. Deep breathing if done properly can calm down those central nervous system responses. What you're struggling with is, a very managable problem. There are many actors and singers who is real life situations struggle with shyness and anxiety. As you get older, you'll also get better too. Believe in yourself and you'll be fine.

Written by Clyde 205 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Great postings from all. I too, feel that a lot of your issues are the feelings in your mind that you are predestined to fail, when in reality, you are not.

You are so worried about failing, that you never get the chance to succeed.

Practice does make perfect. Realize that none of us are infalliable, yet also understand that while you are worried about your not being entirely perfect, no one else is either.

Best,

Clyde

Written by emoyuki 200 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Omg I have the exact same feelings


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