Avatar Posted by Photographer 65 days ago (Question)
My mom passed away in 2008 from pancreatic cancer after 3 months. We were extremely close and I denied her death for a year. In that time, I got remarried to a man I love dearly and wholeheartedly. I started having symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder shortly after her death, nightmares, anxiety, and insomnia. Her dying brought up a lot of issues of my past abuse and the problems my parents had, many very chaotic times in my life.

Anyway, about 4 months after we were married, I started developing Depression from the untreated PTSD. I just didn't get help for so long because I wasn't sure what was normal grief and what wasn't. Finally, on the year anniversary of her death and 6 months after getting married, I admitted myself to a hospital for suicidal thoughts. They gave me a medicine to help me sleep better and sent me to outpatient counseling. It wasn't good, they focused on the past instead of current ways of dealing with things. I got worse and ended up having to go to my dad's for 3 weeks out of state.

Eventually, my husband realized he really does love me and came to get me. I still was not on anything for anxiety though, and was having constant panic attacks. I did a lot of bad stuff. I was in a rage when I had 3 days of anxiety on top of panic attacks and I did things like hit him, throw things, curse at him, etc. These are all things I regret so much, and would never do if I were in my right mind.

That being said, my pastor helped get me admitted to a different hospital and it has been my saving grace. They treated my anxiety and suddenly I could start dealing with the problems and could deal with counseling. I have gotten DRAMATICALLY better since the 2nd hospitalization, although I had to be hospitalized shortly a 3rd time because I was afraid I was going to hurt my husband when he was being so unsupportive.

Ok, so there's the background. Now, the last two months, as I've been getting better, my husband has tended to still pigeonhole me as being a bad person and has brought up things from my past to prove I'm just a "bad person". I keep telling him the reason I did these things was because I was sick, but he just won't believe it. He keeps saying, "I'm just trying to understand you and why you did this." He can't forgive me and it hurts so badly to be so distant when I'm ready to have a healthy relationship again.

I will wait as long as I have to as he stayed beside me when I was my sickest. I am just so frustrated because I want to forgive myself and know that it really was just my illness and I coped with it the best I could. It's just so hard to believe that when someone else is trying to prove that's not so. Do you think he can forgive me?


Answers

Written by Chemar 65 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi,

I am so relieved that you are getting treatment that is helping you now

the best way to deal with this related to how your husband is still reacting may be to go together for counseling...either with your pastor or with a qualified therapist...someone who can explain the clinical aspects of what you have been through to your husband so that he hears it from someone other than you. That may help him to understand better.

I do hope it all works out for you

Written by Clyde 48 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I am glad you are getting help too, you do need to go through therapy so you can discuss these issues.

It definitely wouldnt hurt as Chemar said to have your husband attend counseling with you, so he can better understand what is going on as well.

Best,

Clyde


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