What's wrong with me? I am so shy to the point where it makes me vomit.
I want friends. I want people to like me, even if only a few. I want someone I can talk to without scaring them away. There's got to be something wrong with me because no matter what random person I encounter and engage in a conversation with they end up hating me. I don't know what I do! I'm just shy! I smile, and laugh and am overall very pleasant! I think I have a beautiful mind and I just wish other people would see what I see in myself! I don't know how my shyness would put someone off so much as to make them decide that I'm not worthy of their notice...I mean yeah, not eveeryone in the world will like me...but why not one? Even two people, that are as weird as me?
I supposedly have friends. But they never want to talk or to do anything. I always gave up all of my time to them whenever they needed my help...always was there for them when they were crying or not able to think right, I saved some of their lives! But they never want to call. If I text they might text me back. Sometimes they comment on my FB account...but who the fuck cares? I wouldn't even have a FB if they wanted to talk for real! Over the phone, in person, whichever. None of it. I hear nothing. Until something terrible happens, and they call me terrified and crying, only to hang up quick a few moments later promising to call back and they never do. I can't handle it anymore. I'm sick of worrying about them and them not even caring about me. I thought altruism was a good trait...I guess not. When something terrible happens to me, who can I call? Noone. When I cry and cry and cry and wish so much there was someone there to tell me that they care, who is there saying it? Noone. Who knows this about me? Noone, except now whoever you are.
I just hurt so much. I feel so miserable. I'm sick of meaningless conversations like Oh hi! How are you today? Fantastic! Have a nice day! Those are petty little nuances. I want to know who someone is and I want someone to know who I am, truly, deeply, and lovingly.
I finally did something for myself. I moved from cross country, to a place I had never heard of nor knew anyone. What was the point of staying? I have always wanted to live in the country side and get out of the city. So I did. People said they would miss me. My mom, she loves me, I know, she threw me a going away party. I love her! But I couldn't tell if the people came out of friendship or sense of obligation. Maybe they came for the brisket and grilled jalapenos. Why will you miss me? Nothing will change, will it? I never see you now anyway, so tell me, what is the difference? People who were not invited swore against me...people who had already fallen away from me because they thought they were better than me were mad that I didn't invite them to a party I didn't even know about. To a party for someone they didn't even like anymore. Right. That's another reason I left. If I finally left them and all their problems, I could work on my own!
And for what it's worth, I do love it here. This lonliness I feel, this was before I moved...it's the same. And I am doing more for me...I got into my first art gallery...I am doing free work for NPOS and local farmers...it feels good. But there's still that emptiness, that longer for someone to hang out with. To talk to, in a non-business like manner. I talk professionally all day to people I work with...I want to let loose and let people let loose around me...but there's something about me that really puts people off.
My first art show was last Friday up in Portland...supposed to be huge! Supposed to be a wonderful day! I cried all the day before...so scared...so nervouss...I didn't have anything to wear, nor money to get anything nice. I finally splurged on a nice black dress only to show up and be over dressed. There were so many people. I didn't know where to walk or who to talk to...I didn't know anybody. I looked at every piece there a million times over and everyone else around me was shaking hands and laughing. I thought, maybe if I stand next to my work someone would approach me and tell me they like me painting. So I did. And sure enough, a women started talking to me! I could tell she was warm and friendly and really enjoyed my work...but I just froze up. My tongue swelled and all I could do was smile and turn red. She looked at me (I guess this is when I was supposed to contribute something to the conversation)and I couldn't say anything...she smiled awkwardly and said, "Well, beautiful work, really!" shook my hand and walked away. I don't even remember if I said thank you. It took awhile before I could walk out of there. Got into my car and cried a good hard cry for about 30 minutes.
What's wrong with me? I feel crazy and am scared for myself...please, help me
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