I get anxiety mostly in social situations. Thats it, but when I'm not feeling anxious around my girlfriend or somebody that I'm comfortable with, I'm fine. Sometimes my fucking anxiety kicks in when I don't want it to. For some reason I guess my mind thinks that I'm in danger or something when I'm really not, I just wish it would go away. When my anxiety is so high and "kicked in" I can't just tell it to go away when I want to. But I reaaallllyyyy fucking want to be able to turn it off when I want to. Sorry for my language, but I am just trying to express my frustration and rage toward how pissed off this stupid anxiety makes me. It drives me nuts! It stops me from being who I want to be, and truly pisses me off! My job isn't exactly helping either, when I'm at places or doing stuff that I really don't want to do, but I "have" to do to you know... "make money" and "support myself" thats when my anxiety won't leave me alone. I know I can live life more fully and be the person I want to be if my fucking anxiety would just leave me alone.


Answers


Edahn
1506 days ago
It doesn't belong to you. It's just something that passes through you. Let it pass in and out and you'll see that you never HAVE to control it. Just stay calm, watch how it operates on your breathe, body, and mind, and try and keep your cool. I wish someone gave me that advice years ago.



bella
1505 days ago
Hi Cody,

I remember your question before and when I checked back I was happy to see you were still getting responses. Unfortunately you're still struggling with the same issue. I understand you're very frustrated because you so much want to get rid of this anxiety. Edahn made a good point about separating the anxiety from the real you and not letting it control you - learning how to not react and get caught up in the fear/frustration.

I also think it's time to speak with your doctor and try therapy specifically for anxiety. As you mentioned in your other question, you've tried everything you know to help yourself - this is a sign you need outside help. I know how you feel because I struggle with it myself. A few months ago my youngest daughter was almost attacked by 2 large dogs and I got between them and scared them away with a weed whacker. After that incident my anxiety went into high gear and I had to visit my doctor. She gave me some medication to get over that bad period and I'm starting to feel better now. There are times when I have to remind myself to breath lol, because I'm breathing too shallow.

Make sure your life is balanced - healthy eating, moderate exercise, relaxation/fun and sleeping well. See if you can learn meditation, or yoga or some form of relaxation - deep slow breathing helps a lot. Many people suffer with insecurities and anxiety in social situations so don't think you're the only one. Try not to be concerned with what people are thinking about you. When you start to feel anxious, right away start with the slow deep breathing - imagine you're some place beautiful. You can do this technique any time. I think it's time though to speak with your doctor and make it clear this is something you've struggled with all your life. Good luck.

Bella :)



Cody
1505 days ago
I would speak with a doctor if only it didn't cost 1092384021938210938120982109802194321409218430921840982109483210948210984 dollars. I'm trying hard as hell everyday to tell my fucking mind not to have the anxiety and to get the $*ck out of my head, but my mind won't listen to me. I just want to fix it on my own. It is also causing me road rage, I'm pissed off a lot. I'm pissed off because for some reason I can't fix myself.



Cody
1505 days ago
Edahn, I don't want the anxiety to come and go, I want it removed completely. I absolutely hate taking medication for stupid shit like this, I have a lot of pride in myself and it just makes me feel weak for having to resort to a doctor or medication. Why the FUCK can I not fix it on my own? I know there is a way to fix it without medication I just don't know what it is. Gosh damn, what a waste of a great mind and people some of us are all because of some stupid shit.



crazymom
1505 days ago
I used to be totally against medication. Seriously. I was arguing day and night about how I hate doctors and that nobody should waste money on me... soon came to realize I was getting desperate for other help AFTER trying natural ways, like breathing techniques and realizing some things are also normal to experience, but eventually i studied and did research, and trusted a low dosage medication and tried it for a while, and turned out I never knew I was actually missing out on life.

By you concentrating and dealing with anxiety, you just may not realize how much better you would feel if by either finding that like me, or trying something new. Hopefully finding health insurance somewhere is available in the near future, otherwise there may be places that can still help.

DO NOT ever let the negative feelings get inbetween your well being: such as, the costs, the side effects of meds, trusting doctors, wanting an immediate result, and believing your weak if you get therapy or meds.. I suffer from depression, and still havent found something that willmake me 100%, but anyhthing iks better than what I was turning into.



bella
1505 days ago
I see you're frustrated and angry but this won't accomplish anything. You can't completely get rid of this, but you can learn how to manage it. For me it helped when I got older and gained more self confidence. I think you would benefit getting into a class that teaches relaxation. Try not to let your frustration get the best of you. I was the victim of road rage and it terrified me and my girls. When I'm driving and someone makes a mistake, I don't take it personal and figure they're just having a bad day - sometimes it's an innocent mistake. Here's a good website to look at:

http://helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_self_help.htm

The more you try to fight it in the wrong way, the more it will bother you. If you relax and accept the feelings are there, but at the same time relax - these thoughts will lose their power. You can't force it.



Cody
1505 days ago
Why is the anxiety there in the first place? What wrong way am I trying to fight it? I'm just trying to be strong and fight this, but the only logical way I know is to just mentally challenge the anxiety head on with raw power( I know that sounds dumb), but I can't think of any other way, I mean the anxiety is pretty strong at times and I'm not afraid to challenge it and just try to ignore it and try my very best to get rid of it. I want to see a doctor to get some CBT, but right now I'm trying to pay off a car that I bought and my insurance is rather high, so I don't know if I can afford any doctor right now. I don't know what to do, I feel alone trying to help myself, I mean I have support from other people(family and friends), and they tell me I seem fine, but they don't understand because they don't know what goes on in my head and what I feel on a day to day basis. They just see it from the outside point of view like everyone else(I'm not saying its their fault or anything, because thats all they can see and what I tell them) But them telling me that I seem fine doesn't exactly cure the issue either, I mean yeah it makes me feel better, but it doesn't mean that I still don't have this problem that I need to fix.



bella
1505 days ago
Before you get out of bed in the morning - give yourself 15 min of slow deep breathing and imagine how your day will be, with positive thoughts. You can also do this at night before you sleep. How's your caffeine intake - this can increase anxiety. Copy and paste the link I gave you - there's good info there. I'm not saying you shouldn't fight your negative feelings - but try not to get angry.



Cody
1505 days ago
I do get up everyday and imagine myself having a good day. In fact, I start off in the morning very well, but as my day goes along thats when my anxiety kicks in the most. Weird? I don't understand why.. but it just does. I understand anger won't solve this issue its just very frustrating because I have had this problem for a long time. It makes me want to bang my head up against a wall sometimes. Not even kidding.



bella
1504 days ago
Does this anxiety prevent you from doing things? How about for a month, accept your anxiety - don't try to fight it at all, but continue with what ever you're doing. There are some natural methods you could try like Bache's Rescue Remedy(Chemar recommends this often) and I saw today on the Doctors Show they recommended 'Passion Flower drops' - you can buy these products at your local health or vitamin store. Remember to be careful combining natural products with medications. I think if you stop worrying about the anxiety and don't let it limit you - you might feel better about yourself. Getting all upset will only make it worse and is totally unproductive. Look at your diet as well and start exercising regularly.



Edahn
1504 days ago
"Edahn, I don't want the anxiety to come and go, I want it removed completely. I absolutely hate taking medication for stupid shit like this, I have a lot of pride in myself and it just makes me feel weak for having to resort to a doctor or medication. Why the FUCK can I not fix it on my own? I know there is a way to fix it without medication I just don't know what it is. Gosh damn, what a waste of a great mind and people some of us are all because of some stupid shit."

Trust me, I understand what you're saying, and I get your frustration too. I believe there is a way out of it without taking medication. It's something I've worked on for years with sporadic success, but success nonetheless.

Anxiety is a tricky thing. You have it because evolution gave it to you, whether you asked for it or not. It's not something you chose. The important thing to know is that there is a way out. That way is basically kindness and courage. The kindness is directed at yourself. You don't blame yourself or get angry. You remember that you're a good person, a valuable person, who is struggling and needs help, not blame. If you met someone just like yourself who was struggling with anxiety, how would you respond to them? You would probably offer them a listening ear. You'd talk to them and show them that it's okay to have anxiety, and that it'll go away eventually, and maybe remind them that they were still great people. You would remind them that they can have anxiety and STILL BE great people. That's the first key.

The second key is courage. You have to practice not hiding from anxiety. At first when you experience anxiety, it seems really overwhelming and scary. You lose your sense of self, sense of joy, and you think it's a puzzle that you're never going to solve. But facing it is exactly how you begin to solve it. You begin to see that it's not so powerful. That it's a feeling, but it's not so scary, and that by treating yourself with kindness, you can get through it. You STOP trying to fight it (that's the courage) and you see that you're actually pretty okay, even with it being there. Not a million times happy, but actually pretty peaceful. Eventually you start to lose the fear of anxiety, which is the worst part.

All in all, you seem like a feisty kid with a good head on his shoulders. Study it, experiment with it, play with it. You'll figure it out eventually.

A few books I'd recommend are How to Control Anxiety Before it Control You by Ellis (I know it contradicts what I've said, but it's an interesting read) and Love is Letting Go of Fear (dumb pictures, but actually brilliant).



Cody
1504 days ago
I've got the book, "How to Control Anxiety Before it Controls You" by Ellis. I just need to read it. I understand what you and Bella are saying, but I have been facing the anxiety for a long time and have been facing it with courage trying to accept it and go on. I just get frustrated because I know someone like me shouldn't be going through something like this. I am way better than this and I know I can do anything I set my mind to. Deep down inside of me I am not really a weak person. I know I am a truly powerful person if I could just conquer this one stupid thing in my life. To answer your question Bella, no the anxiety doesn't prevent me from doing things, as a matter of fact I usually just do stuff regardless of my anxiety because I'm not afraid to face it. I understand that the only way I am going to conquer it is to put myself in situations where I have to find a way to surpass the anxiety and just be normal. Now... do I always conquer the anxiety? No. Sometimes(in my mind) I think what ever situation I'm in ends horribly(others may not think this, but I do, because I am not satisfying myself). I guess you can say I'm a perfectionist, I hate making mistakes and when I do, I get very very pissed at myself, because I understand my true potential, and I am not living up to my standards basically I guess....



bella
1503 days ago
I just realized you mentioned an important factor, in what could be blocking your progress - perfectionism. You're setting your hopes too high which guarantees failure. You are your own worse critic. When I was struggling with my shyness, I was always second guessing myself and holding myself back.

When things don't go as perfect as you think you're capable - you get very disappointed in yourself. I want you to lighten up, on yourself and relax - we all make mistakes. Set realistic small goals instead of expecting perfection. Don't be so hard on yourself and recognize your small successes. As Edahn said -if you had a friend who was like you - would you stand there and criticize his every move and mistakes or encourage him?



Cody
1503 days ago
How am I setting my hopes too high? I just simply want to be comfortable in my own body and be able to talk to people normally without having anxiety...I basically just want to be confident. Now if that goal is "too high of a goal for me", then I must be a really pathetic person then if I can't achieve something as simple as that.



bella
1502 days ago
Okay now I'm starting to get frustrated here. You're the one who said you're a perfectionist. This is why I said you should lighten up a little. What's wrong with saying that!! I agree with Cuddlybug - get into some vigorous exercise like karate or boxing to get your frustrations out.

Edahn is like the best answerer here at PC - he knows what he's talking about. You don't want to get help from a doctor. You have to decide to control this on your own or go to the doctor. Many people have anxiety - that just the way it is. I also gave you a very good link to look at - did you read it?? Let us know when you've read the book and come to decision about this problem. BTW it really could be worse so don't feel sorry for yourself.



Edahn
1503 days ago
Please stop talking like that. It bugs me when people say they're pathetic.

You said this: I've got the book, "How to Control Anxiety Before it Controls You" by Ellis. I just need to read it. I understand what you and Bella are saying, but I have been facing the anxiety for a long time and have been facing it with courage trying to accept it and go on. I just get frustrated because I know someone like me shouldn't be going through something like this. I am way better than this and I know I can do anything I set my mind to. Deep down inside of me I am not really a weak person. I know I am a truly powerful person if I could just conquer this one stupid thing in my life.

You have to understand what "acceptance" means because 1) you're not doing it right, if at all and 2) it's the key to understanding this and moving on. You can't force yourself to accept something. You say you've been trying to accept, but in the next sentence, make it clear how much shame you're still carrying for being anxious, as if it made you a defective person. That's a bunch of horseshit. More importantly, it tells me that you haven't quite grasped what acceptance is. You're trying to FORCE yourself into this thing called "acceptance." Acceptance is still an idea in your head. The problem is that that's not acceptance at all, but the OPPOSITE. Trying to make yourself conform to some "accepting" standard is really a form of self-rejection in disguise, as if to say "I'm not okay where I am, I must must must improve." Self-acceptance means making room for the feelings you have, RIGHT NOW, to just be there and breathe. It's gentle, not forceful, and it requires practice.

What I've seen in this thread is lots of people giving you suggestions and you rejecting them. Part of it, I think, is because you have real questions. The other part of it is because you want us to tell you that it's hard and that we feel sorry for you or that you don't have to succeed in this, thereby validating your feeling of being defective and unable to succeed. In Transactional Analysis, this is called "Why don't you / Yes But". See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis#Why_Don.27t_You.2FYes_But.

I'm not going to play that game. You have a lot of advice here and we're telling you that if you want to make a change, you need to explore this more and understand what's going on, then decide how best to approach it. I've personally made significant progress with my social anxiety and it's always through forgiving myself and being patient, which is another way of saying I make space for the feelings I have, or, acceptance. Practice and when you've started to make progress, start another thread here and tell us about it. Until then, good luck to you. I mean that sincerely.



Cuddlybug1991
1503 days ago
Cody-

I agree with themm...coming from someone who suffers from anxiety coming from PTSD.. It does NOT exactly just GO away and you cant fight it head on. I was against medications until i realized i needed help.

from reading this thread made me very umm... think.. wtf? you have loads of advice coming from people who do this on a day to day basis and you argue with them! Actually listen to them without letting the anxiety get the better of you...as Edahn said... It does not belong to you. If anything HONESTLY something like this only can make you stronger..

because of the fact you aren't taking the easy road and deciding suicide. ive seen people with nothing wrong with them and just off themselves.. people like us that have to deal with these hard things are more likely to do so...yet we dont.. because it makes us stronger. Honestly i just really want to say pull your head out of your ass, and listen. try yoga (not a "manly" thing) but its a relaxation technique. or even..try Boxing.. something to help get your frustrations out and release some of that adrenaline running through you. exercise more. i noticed when i was exercising more i had less anxiety attacks. sorry if i have offended you in any way its just that these people are just trying to help you are the one that asked THEM the question they didnt come to you and ask you about your anxiety i mean i understand your frustrations completely and fully but... you have to look at it from a different aspect.



Cody
1502 days ago
I understand and I am sorry. I just don't know what I am doing wrong, I was fine as a kid and then all of a sudden BAM! Its like I was a different person, and I didn't know or understand what the hell just happened to me... I mean I switched schools...my parents divorced and it all went downhill from there, I felt I could never recover from it. I was not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me. I was just wanting advice, I wanted to fix it on my own, and I didn't mean to shove it back in your alls faces either. I will try what you all have told me and do my best. The reason I was frustrated is because I was wanting to leap frog toward my success rather than taking baby steps first, and I never could do it that way.( I had to much pride and was angry and I guess arrogant) I thought that the only way to fix it was to be hard on myself, because my mind just did not want to listen. Think of it this way, pretend a little kid was playing a video game and he kept on losing, well... the kid starts banging the controller and throwing it around, but thats not going to do anything... thats kind of what I was doing inside of my mind... I was like well... I'm not gonna stop being hard on myself until I change. I guess anger, rage, frustration, pain, telling myself that I am worthless and pathetic, won't work.( I thought this would give me confidence and make me want to do better...kind of like a "hardcore coach" inside of my head) I felt that I was strong enough to do that, and was mad because I couldn't fix it in a day I guess, every day is a battle, and I get to wake up and do it all over again, and again, and again, and again, and guess what... again! Because I simply do not understand what I am doing wrong and I do not understand why I cannot "program" my mind to wake up and just stop for the love of god. I mean I thought the human mind was powerful, I guess the mind alone cannot control anxiety though or fix my problems. I kind of wish I had someone to push me until I am basically forced to change, but there is no one I know that will do that. You know put me through so much pain that I basically have no choice but to change.



Cody
1501 days ago
Thanks for the support I am starting what you guys have told me to do today. I just hope it works, if it doesn't then I guess I'll have to go see a doctor. I leave for basic training August 3rd, hopefully I get some confidence built up there. God bless.



bella
1501 days ago
Sounds like a good plan Cody. Even if you do have to consult a doctor, you can specify you would like to try therapy without meds. I saw an ad on PC and it said they have a free book for anxiety, so take a look at the link I give you. Best of luck in basic training.

http://overcomingpanicattacks4good.com/natural/rotate.php



Edahn
1501 days ago
Cody,

Thanks for your honesty and feedback. I apologize if I was harsh, but I'm glad you clarified. You're intelligent and I like talking with you.

The theme I keep hearing is that you're frustrated with not being able to change yourself. I get that you would want to do that, but for now, why not try the opposite? Instead of trying to CHANGE, try to let things be. Not forever, but just open up to what's here right now. Open your heart to it and open your heart to yourself. You don't need to be chastised for being defective. Like a kid losing at a video game, you need to be supported with someone who is reassuring, patient, and determined. And wise. That person is YOU! That person is already lurking inside you. It's not something you have to look for or a quality you have to "assume." It's already there. I can tell because of the way you write and think.

When you really open you're heart, you'll see that all the anxiety is not a problem anymore. It still might BE there, but you'll see that it's really not that bad and that you can deal with it. If you need to make a change in your life, you'll know what it is. But you might just be at peace and not need to make any change. That's for you to figure out once your heart starts to open up and your attitude towards your own suffering changes from critical to supportive.

Okay? Good luck in basic training and remember to keep your heart open.

Edahn



Cody
1501 days ago
Thanks, I enjoy talking to intelligent people also. Thanks everyone. Thats another thing that sucks... there are a lot of people out there that are very very intelligent. Far more intelligent than some of us even, and some of those people struggle with stuff like this. Thats just not fair in my mind. A lot of those people have so much fear that they can't even walk outside, can't talk to people, can't really have a normal life because they think they can't because of something either they have created themselves from past experiences or something that they can't control. I just think its a waste of life. It's a waste of intelligence and talent. Thats another reason I was trying to fix this so fast is because I don't want to be 40 years old and still have this problem. I don't want to miss out on my youth. I want to enjoy every moment in life. It's kind of sad if you think about it. Some people have this really bad, and they don't fully or partially fix it until they are old. I know I don't have the worst case of "anxiety" or "shyness" but I consider myself someone that has had it for a long time and if I could go back and start trying to fix this when I was younger I would do it in a heart beat. I guess when I was younger I didn't exactly know that I would end up like this a few years down the line... but.. I don't know, it just sucks. Thanks for the support again, I do appreciate everything. Damn.. I really wish I could meet people like you guys in real life... It would be quite a pleasure to simply just get to talk to one of you guys face to face. I'm not saying that I havn't met good, intelligent people before, but at least I know that you guys have been through stuff like this. God bless.



bella
1501 days ago
You sound calmer today Cody. I forgot to mention how important it is to laugh in life. Look at funny clips, shows and movies - have a sense of humor in everyday life. When I enjoy a good belly laugh, I feel great afterwards. Take good care of yourself.



Edahn
1501 days ago
It is sad, which is why it's so important that you figure this out and then help guide others using some of our suggestions and your own intelligence. FWIW, I secretly like your stubbornness. It'll come in handy. :)

Be safe!



Cody
1501 days ago
I'm watching funny videos right now actually lol. I'll be safe don't worry. What does FWIW mean?



Cody
1500 days ago
Nevermind, I know what it means, it means "for what its worth".



Edahn
1500 days ago
:)



Cody
1499 days ago
I just wanted to apologize for all of the unecessary negativity and argueing. I do really appreciate the help. Thanks.



bella
1499 days ago
Thanks Cody - don't worry, no hard feelings :) I know deep down you're a good guy. Everyone gets frustrated and needs to blow off steam once in a while. The fact we all got a little frustrated, but then able to iron it out = shows we're good problem solvers including you.



Cody
1499 days ago
True, I enjoy helping people like you guys do. I wouldn't mind doing this type of stuff. It makes me feel good helping and seeing other people conquer their problems and succeeding. I'm just kind of curious on who created this site? Was it you Bella? This site is so helpful, you get so many opinions and helpful advice from so many people. Especially from people that are going through and have gone through the same stuff that I am going through.



bella
1499 days ago
I can't take credit for this wonderful site. This was created by Doc John(Dr. Grohol). You can also join the forum section by clicking on Community - there are many caring members there. I really do love helping people here.



Cody
1499 days ago
Ok thanks. Dr. Gohol sounds like a very kind man.



aspengirl44
1484 days ago
I think it's strange that everyone here has judged Cody so quickly, when he's obviously going through an emotionally difficult time. The last thing he needs is for people who profess to be psychologists to criticize him when he doesn't magically change after the few sentences of cliched advice that you gave him.

These things take time, especially if they're biologically predestined toward introversion or social anxiety and you have high levels of perfection, comparing yourself to others socially and wondering why you can't measure up. A few kind words from strangers isn't go to fix it, so don't take it personally if someone questions your words (no one is perfect).

I too have struggled with shyness since I first became conscious (4 years old, maybe?). I still struggle with it on a daily basis. Penetrating thoughts are hard to eradicate, as is perfectionism. In fact, I consider it the source of many quandaries - I am not "gifted" socially but watch other people interact with confident ease. I've found a certain level of acceptance to be the best cure. And by acceptance, I mean appreciate of the qualities that come from being shy. Shy people are often understanding, sensitive and open-minded to the plights of other people. That gives them a different perspective, albeit a difficult one at times, as far as their views of the world. We need more people like that.

I know you've gotten a lot of recommendations for books to read, but if you want some that aren't as "fluffy" and more spiritual, I would try Pema Chodron or Eckhart Tolle. Intelligent perfectionists can't be bothered with people telling then how they should be - rather, they need a guide that can teach them how to think differently from the world around them (because the world, not you, is also not perfect. Accepting that is hard).