I was given a diagnosis of Bipolar I about one and a half years ago. After a very rocky eight months and two hospitalizations, I became relatively stable and I have stayed that way for quite some time. I am currently taking Lamictal and Seroquel for my "condition." I am not sure if I really am bipolar; I have a lot of trouble with my diagnosis because I feel like I made the whole thing up. I believe that I might have feigned mania or depression to get attention or sympathy. In truth, I don't really know. I feel like a typical "emo" teenager. I must have made all of this up.
I did a lot of embarrassing things when I was "manic" (from shopping sprees to things of a sexual nature). Right now, it feels like that was just an excuse for my behavior. All of this happened at a time of my life when I was required to do a lot. I failed.
I am wreaked with guilt. I don't really remember much of those eight or so months. I've lost my motivation to do anything productive and everything I do seems to be self-sabbatoging. I'm nervous. I am lazy. I feel like killing myself or doing something to indirectly cause this harm but, I know that won't do it because I am a coward.
I was always what people would call an overachiever, but now I am so apathetic that I can't care to do much of anything. I am exhausted. In my head, I almost want to use this "problem" as an excuse for not wanting to do anything. I seem to be really good at faking things and I feel like I may be really manipulative; I've hurt a lot of people.
I just want to shut-up about all of this, but the thoughts won't stop coming into my head. I am so embarrassed, anxious and guilty. I must have made all of my symptoms up because they came at an all too convenient time. Also, I feel much better now and hate the side-effects of my drugs. I want to stop all of this. I am sick and tired of this.
I know that you cannot tell me whether I actually am on the bipolar spectrum. But, I
can't help but wonder if this diagnosis sounds anything like me. In other words, I'm really confused. Could I, maybe, have a personality disorder? Could I be borderline? Did I just make all of this up? If the bipolar label might fit me, are my concerns consistent with those of others who may be suffering from the illness?
I did a lot of embarrassing things when I was "manic" (from shopping sprees to things of a sexual nature). Right now, it feels like that was just an excuse for my behavior. All of this happened at a time of my life when I was required to do a lot. I failed.
I am wreaked with guilt. I don't really remember much of those eight or so months. I've lost my motivation to do anything productive and everything I do seems to be self-sabbatoging. I'm nervous. I am lazy. I feel like killing myself or doing something to indirectly cause this harm but, I know that won't do it because I am a coward.
I was always what people would call an overachiever, but now I am so apathetic that I can't care to do much of anything. I am exhausted. In my head, I almost want to use this "problem" as an excuse for not wanting to do anything. I seem to be really good at faking things and I feel like I may be really manipulative; I've hurt a lot of people.
I just want to shut-up about all of this, but the thoughts won't stop coming into my head. I am so embarrassed, anxious and guilty. I must have made all of my symptoms up because they came at an all too convenient time. Also, I feel much better now and hate the side-effects of my drugs. I want to stop all of this. I am sick and tired of this.
I know that you cannot tell me whether I actually am on the bipolar spectrum. But, I
can't help but wonder if this diagnosis sounds anything like me. In other words, I'm really confused. Could I, maybe, have a personality disorder? Could I be borderline? Did I just make all of this up? If the bipolar label might fit me, are my concerns consistent with those of others who may be suffering from the illness?
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Answers
Hi there,
I am bipolar and i often get feelings that i have made it all up. I don't know why this happens to me and i don't know why it is happening to you. i feel like there are people worse off than me and i shouldn't be getting the attention for it when its not real. BUT it IS real and its just my brain being silly. I sometimes feel like I'm making it up just to get attention too but i know thats not true. Its really strange and i don't understand it, but i understand how you feel. I don't know what to suggest and i don't know why I'm writing this but i know how you feel. I sincerely hope you feel a bit better soon. This is awful.
I was misdiagnosed as bipolar, but it turned out I was really borderline. If the diagnosis just doesn't feel right or isn't sitting right with you, then you may not be bipolar. I didn't doubt I was mental enough to be diagnosed as something and I had A LOT of the same symptoms as being bipolar, but something about it just didn't feel right. And when the other bipolar people would talk about their productive stages, I never got those. And the medicines they put me on were screwing me up even more and making me feel even worse. But the professionals will convince you that you're a threat to society if you're not on drugs. I wish I hadn't let them convince me of that and stopped taking medicine before it was too late (I ended up failing out of grad school and the drugs were one of the reasons why, they were rotting my mind and memory). I feel like an idiot now for not questioning things more then and not stopping the drugs sooner. Guess what I'm trying to say is, it's your body and mind, if something they're putting you on is making you feel worse or you don't really think you're bipolar, don't let them convince you you're unable to function without it. The professionals can be wrong too and a lot of my behaviors (like the manic ones you described) met the criteria for being bipolar, but it turned out they weren't. Go get a second or third opinion somewhere else if you can.
I also have bipolar and am newly diagnosed but understand now that I have had it for well over 2 decades. I believe what you are describing is the depressive side of the bipolar spectrum and urgently implore you to seek the advise of your psychiatrist or general practice doc.
I agree with Mattie, we tend to underestimate how deep we are in hot water until it's too late. If you need further proof for yourself ask those close to you what they see and report that as well to your doctor, take them to the doctor with you if you are comfortable enough, they can report to the doctor what they witness. I myself take along my spouse every few doctor appointments to report what he is witnesses with my med changes.
Hang tough, it will get better. While it's in your head, it's not in your head.
I think too that you are wise for trying to decide if you are or not.
I agree with the other poster, contact a professional who could better diagnose you.
There are things that make me think it is possible, yet it is better for you to have an actual living person there let you know.
Best,
Clyde
I think you are very wise to suspect that your concerns may merely be symptoms of the disease. People who are genuinely bipolar often do not experience themselves as ill at the time -- it feels "normal" to them to be that way. So I think the answer may be that your feelings cannot be an unbiased guide to deciding whether you are bipolar or not. I think the best thing to do would be to talk to the psychiatrist or therapist you trust most and get their advice. They can no doubt explain which of your symptoms point to a bipolar diagnosis, as well as where you fit in on the spectrum. They have the experience of many many people, whereas you are trying to judge your behavior from a dataset of one, as they say. I am doubting that you made all of this up. My experience is that people usually underestimate their emotional imbalance, rather than overestimating it. And your description of this period does make it sound as if something was up, which sounds consistent with bipolar from your account of it. So do consult a professional who can outline how your behavior fits on the bipolar spectrum.