I'm not saying I want to die. I have never said that; ok well there was this one time as a freshman in high school but that was a long time ago. All I'm saying is that I no longer wish to exist...to have ever existed. Give me a time machine...let me go back and stop my conception...then I'm good. I'm sure people care about me, even my borderline mother in some fashion of herself; this isn't about everyone else. This is about me. Have I told my therapist? Yes, she just agreed that sometimes it can feel like that. What was it? I don't know...I don't remember. That would require that I could actually remember feelings from day to day...not typically. My own therapist will agree my goals change from appointment to appointment along with side effects and complaints...does it make me difficult...probably. Don't ask me what it is...they're the experts.
The Background: I'm 23, female, "BPII" and ADHD-PI. Treated with Vyvanse for ADHD, but currently unmedicated for BPII after a "bad" experience with combinations of Prozac/Adderall XR, and Adderall IR & XR/Depakote ER. Just over a "manic" phase (I did manage to lose my job this time)...it was more like waking up and realizing I finally had control of myself after 5 months of being outside myself screaming at me, but there was forethought because I actually wrote down my thoughts and took the advise of my tdoc to tell my pdoc only to be laughed @ yet again...2nd time is a charm... (sudden feelings of harm coming to pdoc, it does make me smile but I would never...could never...and will never)
Why am I unmedicated do you ask? There was forethought in my actions. Just impulsiveness and I shouldn't do that again - needless to say I'm looking for a new pdoc and having to change therapists as well because she works in the same office.
Anyway, after my long rant/informational commercial I was just curious if this is what others would consider "suicidal" although my therapist was not in a least concerned...my friends are...and I honestly don't see the big deal with it.
The Background: I'm 23, female, "BPII" and ADHD-PI. Treated with Vyvanse for ADHD, but currently unmedicated for BPII after a "bad" experience with combinations of Prozac/Adderall XR, and Adderall IR & XR/Depakote ER. Just over a "manic" phase (I did manage to lose my job this time)...it was more like waking up and realizing I finally had control of myself after 5 months of being outside myself screaming at me, but there was forethought because I actually wrote down my thoughts and took the advise of my tdoc to tell my pdoc only to be laughed @ yet again...2nd time is a charm... (sudden feelings of harm coming to pdoc, it does make me smile but I would never...could never...and will never)
Why am I unmedicated do you ask? There was forethought in my actions. Just impulsiveness and I shouldn't do that again - needless to say I'm looking for a new pdoc and having to change therapists as well because she works in the same office.
Anyway, after my long rant/informational commercial I was just curious if this is what others would consider "suicidal" although my therapist was not in a least concerned...my friends are...and I honestly don't see the big deal with it.
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Answers
Hi poeticalmuse,
Yes, I am concerned. Mood disorders like BPII, Major Depressive Disorder and others can start out with the milder description like yours of just not wanting to be alive without necessarily doing harm to ourselves. BUT, the research shows that with time, if not treated properly, the highs and lows escalate, our elation can become manic euphoria, our agitation become aggression or rage (even violent) and our wish to never "be" can become "I REFUSE to be alive and suffer anymore" which sets us up for being suicidal. The risk is alarming especially when in the throes of an anguishing low mood mixed with that rage. I know this from experience (my spouse watches me closely and I am medicated so although I got as far as planning, I have not acted on it--hopefully I never will). Reading the research available in books and articles on the web has also helped me understand my condition and be able to discuss it with my P. Please don't take it lightly. I am glad you have good friends who are concerned for you. Listen to them and find a good therapist and P who will take you seriously. I also found that if I tell my P even the thoughts I don't think are so serious, he still considers those thoughts along with the "more serious" ones--it sheds some light on where I might be headed in the future and he knows what clues to look for in future meetings and discussions. He takes nothing lightly. He might say that he's that he's not concerned at the present time BUT he follows that statement with "but contact me immediately if it escalates or there is some other change that concerns you". Find someone who, although he/she has to keep a clinical distance, still gets across that they do care about what you are experiencing (both behaviour wise and your feelings). Sorry I'm so longwinded, but I am concerned. Please let us know how you are doing and when you've found a good P and T.
Wishing you health, Journey
Hi,
I am concerned as well. You aren't taking any meds for BP II?
You have to do so! Bipolar Disorder is a very strong illness, as I am sure you know.
You may have to find a different T to help you through your issues, but I would at least try the present one out once or twice more.
You discussed that they change your treatment plans over and over. Sometimes, that happens because when people have certain issues, it is hard to keep up a plan going that will help that person out.
Hope this works well for you.
Best,
Clyde
Thank you both for your replies. I slightly remember writing this, but it took a couple of days for it to come back to me. I missed my intake appointment and am calling several times a day to get a new one, but I keep getting the voicemail. I did leave one msg, but still hoping to get to speak to someone today.
Clyde - I know that my treatment plans are going to change and the only reason I am unmedicated is because my pdoc has decided I do not need to be medicated. Me and Him have a difference of opinion...I'm burning in the 15th level of hell and I want help, which he wasn't willing to provide - in any form (I've been seeing him for almost a year now). That's why I switched pdocs or am trying to switch. My tdoc was amazing(even though I had only been seeing her since March I had a much stronger bond) - unlike my pdoc I could be very open and honest with her and she never seemed to have a judgement to her. I wish I could keep her, but alas the new place wants me to have both my tdoc and pdoc with them - which seems to be a consensus around this area.
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