im a 15 year old girl, and for the past like 3 years, i have experienced what feels like major depression.
it all started with my first boyfriend when i was like 12. i think he had borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder because he would always blame the problems with the relationship on me, then turn around and blame it on himself. he got me into self injury, somehow(looking back, i see how stupid i was). he would sometimes imply that how much i cut showed how much i loved him. he would always make me feel bad about myself, and compare me to his ex-girlfriends. i had low confidence all the time. he would breakup with me one day, and i would be really depressed, then the next day he'd want to get back together, and this would make me really happy. stupid, i know. i just feel like getting into that relationship really messed me up. my mom even noticed how it was affecting me (eating disorders & drastic weight loss).

the sadness was mild before the relationship, but after, it got out of control. i would cut myself alot, and hide it the best i could:( i slept all day, and stayed up all night. sometimes, i would overeat, and other times not eat at all. sometimes i feel normal, and sometimes i feel like a freak. i get sudden urges to harm myself.

family issues trigger the depression too. even day to day stuff does!

during and (mostly) after that relationship, i noticed major
depression. i know that this could be normal "breakup blues", but i get depressed, angry, and happy randomy all the time.
i tried finding out what was wrong with me, and saw that i was showing some of the symptoms of manic depression.
i don't know if my first relationship caused this, or just made me notice it, but it freaks me out soometimes.
i get extremely mad over the littlest, stupidest things, and during that epuside of anger, its like my conscience is asking me "what's going on? what are you doing?"
when i get depressed, i sometimes cry for like an hour and a half-two hours straight, then stop for a while,then start again. (thank god i've forced myself to stop cutting myself. it's so embarrassing knowing i did that!)
one day i'm normal, then the next depressed, then the next off the walls happy.
i don't know whats wrong with me. sometimes, i feel like theres two of me. the normal, nice person, and the crazy bipolar person. i hate it. and i hate disappointing my mom. i randomly cry someitmes, and she doesn't know whats wrong with me. then my sister makes it wose sometimes. she'll say, "are you seriously crying over (_whatever it is that sparked the sadness_)?" i hate it. she used to joke that i was bipolar, but now it's just "whats wrong with you??" i hate it!
i don't know if they think im bipolar or something, but i want to know if i am, or if it's just teenage horomones. my moods just seem off the wall and weird.
i always feel different: worthless, confident, beautiful, ugly, happy, sad, angry, bored, normal, unwanted, like i'm a bother, a burden. it's always different.
i don't really know what more to describe, but this is the best i can do right now.

do you guys think theres something wrong with me or am i just a normal teenager?
should i talk to my mom about how im feeling, and see what she thinks about it?
should i bee seeing a therapist or psychiatrist or something?

please help!

thanks so much


Answers


iloveyoualot123
1666 days ago
***One thing i forgot to include in my submission post, is that when i get angry, it brings me to tears! i get so mad that i start crying! then, it makes me depressed because i take out my family. i feel terrible about it!**



nm2310
1666 days ago
Bipolar disorder like most problems, physiological and psychological, can be seen in families. Just like if your mother and grandmother had heart disease, if they had chronic depression or bipolar disorder, you have a higher chance than someone else to also have that. Your predisposed. Your ex bf's clear mental uhealthiness(lol idk if thats a word) understandably affected you and influenced how you see and react to the world today. #1. Get that guy out of your life completely. No joke delete pictures, saved texts, it is the best thing. After you realize that loser shouldn't be a part of your life (dont feel sorry for him he needs to solve his problems or deal wiht the consequences), then you need to pinpoint what is wrong. If you are bipolar than you will live bewteen extremes. It is all or nothing. You will be either be extremely inspired, creative, energetic, and optimistic, or you will be unmotivated, hopeless, lethargic, and pessimistic. There is no in between. However, you might have cyclothymic disorder which is kind of like bipolar but alot milder. Do you like the times when you are super happy? Because if you are bipolar than you will feel like you are on crack, that's how extreme the mood swings are.



nm2310
1666 days ago
I'm also the exact opposite of you. When i get sad, it makes me aggressive and angry. I get that way because I don't want to be sad and I am angry at whatever is causing me to feel bad so I go into fight mode to fight the cause of my sadness and chagne it.

Because of my experience, I think that when you get angry, you get "sad" and cry because you feel helpless and overwhelmed about whatever stressor is causing you "anger". Crying is good because hormones are released in the tears you cry out so don't try to stop youself persey but while you are crying you should buy a good journal that you can write in. write down as best a description as u can of what is causing u anger, even if you dont know, just put "I dont freaking know, but im pissed and crying right now." and then write down possible solutions. or other things that are positive in your life. CAtastrophic thinking. Look that up word up. Just because one thing is bad in your life it is irraitonal to cry over because there are A MILLION good things. playing with puppies, playing your fav sport, chilling wiht your friends on the beach........whatev u enjoy doing



Clyde
1666 days ago
It could be hormones, yes, but I would definitely talk to my school counselor as soon as you can, and see what they say.

Will your parents take you to a therapist if needed?

Best,

Clyde



iloveyoualot123
1666 days ago
thanks guys.

clyde-

im sure my mom would take me to a therapist if i asked her to and she thought i needed to see one. and i have advisors and therapists at school that i could talk to. i think that it would help. i feel like i have alot of stress bottled up and feel better when i talk to people about it, which isn't that often, so thanks for the suggestion.

nm2310-

i have deleted all our conversations and everything else. i have him as a friend on myspace, and we've talked a few times, and i've tried to be his friend. i miss him alot sometimes, and feel better wheni talk to him, but thats not often, so i just don't think about him, and it helps most of the time.

i guess i have alot of stress in my life too, and that could be causing this, along with being a teen.

both of my parents have bad tempers. when they get mad, they get MAD! haha

i think my mom may have some sort of depression, but i'm not completely sure. she hides it well, though i have found anti-depressants of hers. she has also been through alot, so her depression may not be something that i could get from her.

thanks for your help guys[:



nm2310
1666 days ago
No prob. good luck with everything



katertotter
1666 days ago
"Do you like the times when you are super happy? Because if you are bipolar than you will feel like you are on crack, that's how extreme the mood swings are."

that's not necessarily true, nm2310. i hate being manic. i feel very much out of control, and incapable of controlling even my thoughts, let alone my behaviour. i can't focus at all, i'm scared that i am disappearing or falling out of my body, and i just want to make it stop. it's nowhere near "happy". i'm not really sure where your crack analogy was going, either. is that supposed to feel good, or extreme? mania, though, is not good. or it's good for 5 seconds until someone doesn't reach the same level of awesomeness that i feel that i'm at. then, they become the enemy, and i become unreasonably angry with them for being a debbie downer. but that's just *my* experience.

also, for a lot of bipolar people, there are vast periods of down time where they are feeling pretty "normal". other people experience daily to hourly shifts in mood. almost all of them will experience degrees of mood, eg. hypomania vs mania, or mild depression vs severe. bipolar isn't just one thing or the other. everyone experiences the disease differently.

to the OP, i agree with clyde. i would ask your parents to see a counsellor, and let them decide what, if anything, is going on with you. bipolar or not, you sound like you're dealing with a lot of things right now and would benefit from discussing it with someone. a professional is the only person that can diagnose you. best of luck!



Clyde
1665 days ago
I am glad that you may check with your parents, and the counselor at school. One step ahead is better than none at all.

Best,

Clyde



iloveyoualot123
1665 days ago
thats true.

thanks, clyde.