im a 15 year old girl, and for the past like 3 years, i have experienced what feels like major depression.
it all started with my first boyfriend when i was like 12. i think he had borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder because he would always blame the problems with the relationship on me, then turn around and blame it on himself. he got me into self injury, somehow(looking back, i see how stupid i was). he would sometimes imply that how much i cut showed how much i loved him. he would always make me feel bad about myself, and compare me to his ex-girlfriends. i had low confidence all the time. he would breakup with me one day, and i would be really depressed, then the next day he'd want to get back together, and this would make me really happy. stupid, i know. i just feel like getting into that relationship really messed me up. my mom even noticed how it was affecting me (eating disorders & drastic weight loss).
the sadness was mild before the relationship, but after, it got out of control. i would cut myself alot, and hide it the best i could:( i slept all day, and stayed up all night. sometimes, i would overeat, and other times not eat at all. sometimes i feel normal, and sometimes i feel like a freak. i get sudden urges to harm myself.
family issues trigger the depression too. even day to day stuff does!
during and (mostly) after that relationship, i noticed major
depression. i know that this could be normal "breakup blues", but i get depressed, angry, and happy randomy all the time.
i tried finding out what was wrong with me, and saw that i was showing some of the symptoms of manic depression.
i don't know if my first relationship caused this, or just made me notice it, but it freaks me out soometimes.
i get extremely mad over the littlest, stupidest things, and during that epuside of anger, its like my conscience is asking me "what's going on? what are you doing?"
when i get depressed, i sometimes cry for like an hour and a half-two hours straight, then stop for a while,then start again. (thank god i've forced myself to stop cutting myself. it's so embarrassing knowing i did that!)
one day i'm normal, then the next depressed, then the next off the walls happy.
i don't know whats wrong with me. sometimes, i feel like theres two of me. the normal, nice person, and the crazy bipolar person. i hate it. and i hate disappointing my mom. i randomly cry someitmes, and she doesn't know whats wrong with me. then my sister makes it wose sometimes. she'll say, "are you seriously crying over (_whatever it is that sparked the sadness_)?" i hate it. she used to joke that i was bipolar, but now it's just "whats wrong with you??" i hate it!
i don't know if they think im bipolar or something, but i want to know if i am, or if it's just teenage horomones. my moods just seem off the wall and weird.
i always feel different: worthless, confident, beautiful, ugly, happy, sad, angry, bored, normal, unwanted, like i'm a bother, a burden. it's always different.
i don't really know what more to describe, but this is the best i can do right now.
do you guys think theres something wrong with me or am i just a normal teenager?
should i talk to my mom about how im feeling, and see what she thinks about it?
should i bee seeing a therapist or psychiatrist or something?
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