Avatar Posted by katmasyaf 94 days ago (Question)
My daughter is married to a man that goes off the deep end every time he gets laid off and he beats her is verbally abusive, takes the check book, keys to anything, says he is taking the kids. I have tried to get her to leave him and she wont. This is going on for several years.


Answers

Written by Edahn 94 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Wow. That's tough. I tend to think of disorders from an addiction standpoint. Your daughter might be addicted to this guy's approval and attention. There's also an addiction to drama. She is probably afraid of loneliness, but that's just a guess. The guy is probably addicted to drama and her approval and attention as well. His method of securing it is through games of abuse and reunification. That's my best guess without knowing more.

On top of that, neither of them are aware of what's going on, and neither understand the difference between real love and needy, clingy love. Neither of them are being responsible about their decisions and behavior, either.

(For the record, are you sure he's bipolar? It sounds more like he has anger management issues and maybe borderline personality.)

I don't really know what to tell you. If I were you, I would probably just try and earn her trust for now. If she's open to advice, I would advise her of what to do IN THE RELATIONSHIP, rather than advise her to get out of it completely. If she's not open to advice, then just listen. You can be honest without trying to change her. That's the key. If you want to earn her trust, you will want to let her know that you care, but that you respect her autonomy and decisions. That might help her gain a stronger sense of self and dignity, so she can start looking at what's going on.

If you are able to earn her trust, then what you could do is either start discussing her husband's anger, her acceptance of it, and the abusive/addictive cycles, or get her a book on the issue.

Here's a book you can buy for YOURSELF, to help her: http://www.amazon.com/Before-Its-Too-Late-Relationships/dp/1558743456/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250797694&sr=1-2

Here're 2 book you can buy for HER. You can obviously also read them yourself:

http://www.amazon.com/Manipulative-Man-Identify-Behavior-Counter/dp/1593376235/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250797818&sr=1-4

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250797818&sr=1-3

That pattern probably has to he way he offers it, withdraws it, and offers it again. Neither of them realize it, and they're probably both addicted to each other's approval and attention.

Written by Clyde 80 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

That is indeed very tough. It is hard to watch someone go through this, but you cannot make her leave if she doesnt want to do so.

You can talk to her, explain how you feel, but until she is ready, she will not go.

Perhaps discuss with her other people that you know and how their interactions with abusers have destroyed or interacted with their lives and maybe that will help her change.

Best,

Clyde


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