I know this is long but I seriously need help. I'm unsure whether I'm depressed or have bipolar or if I'm just want to be so I have a reason to be feeling/acting as I have. Ever since I was small I've been quite an angry person, I got in loads of physical and verbal fights(mostly with boys - I'm a girl)when I was in primary school and I was always under stress because I'm a carer to my disabled mum and people were always make fun of me and talking about me. I'm also very antisocial and shy so I don't usually socialise and will avoid conversation and even find it difficult to make simple conversation with my closest friends and then some days I'll suddenly be really loud and disruptive in class(I've always argued with teachers)and be talking so fast I'm stuttering and I'll be smiling at strangers in shops.
I have a very low self esteem which pushed me to only wear large black hoodies and jeans two years ago(that's toned down a bit now)and also caused me to stop going to my youth group, that I loved, a few months ago because I didn't want the people there to see me. I don't leave the house unless I'm walking for exercise, going to school or going to the shops for my mum, turning down my friends when they invite me out. I often write songs that are downgrading and basically bitching about myself as if I'm a separate person and am representing how I think other people see me. Also, there have been times when in my head I'm basically yelling at myself or I'm hearing yells that I can shut out after a few seconds, I don't know what's being said but it's just a cluster of loud voices, I'll remember it happening and then it'll just happen again. I'm quite pessimistic and feel as if there's no point in me being around as there's nothing memorable to look back on and nothing to look forward to and people don't benefit from me being around and I often daydream about this alternate version of myself living a good life and then feel worthless after I realise I won't live that life. I went through a period where I pictured myself ending up as an alcoholic(I didn't drink at the time)and would find myself staring at the vodka bottles in off-licences and thinking about stealing the small shot bottles. I also once drew a quite gorey slit on my wrist. I have started taking small sips of wine from my mums bottles four days ago and have done it everyday since and I don't actually know why. I also did purposely cut my arm today while my mum was out (again I don't know why I did it) it wasn't that bad through and was only deep enough to let out a little bit of blood. I don't know why I did this as I've also been quite wise and I'm known as the responsible one so these actions are completely out of character but also as I said before I don't know if this is because of a mood disorder or because I [I]want [/I]to be more bipolar.
I've lost many friends because of my sudden quietness and down attitude. I was never rude to them but I never told them what was wrong because I didn't know if I was overreacting and acting stupid or if it was something serious(that's why I haven't gone to a psychiatrist or my GP yet or even told my mum). Lately, I have also been fighting back tears for stupid things like seeing friends I used to have laughing together or getting a detention for forgetting my homework. I have quite violent dreams where I'm fighting people from school who have made fun of me, the kind of fighting that'll get you sent down for GBH. I've also noticed that I'm forgetting things a lot lately, for example I'm talking to my mum and mid-sentence I'll forget what I'm talking about and I've found myself daydreaming a lot more during the day even when watching tv and reading. It takes me ages to fall asleep sometimes an hour and no matter how late I fall asleep I'll wake up around 8am. I've had a increased interest in sex as before I was the typical awkward teenager but the past few months (definitely the past weeks) I've been reading magazines like cosmopolitan and talking about sex with my friends especially the boys at my school. I've noticed that I nearly always tired and dizzy(especially when I get out of bed, everything goes black for a few seconds.) I also have a constant headache that just wanders from throbbing stabs to dull fullness and I have shoulder joint aches. I will have periods when I stop playing my instruments because I'll think 'I'm crap there's no point' and stay away from them for weeks and then one day I'll wake up and write a song straight away before I get out of bed. My appetite is also odd as I'll eat a large amount of food (not mountain size but larger than my mum) and I'll be full and then five or ten minutes later I'll be hungry again and I'll basically have to avoid my hunger so I don't overeat and then some days I'll wake up 8am and not eat breakfast till 2.
I'll also go from feeling over the moon and really optimistic to feeling worthless and empty in what seems like a few seconds.
I heard that in teenagers the symptoms are milder and that episodes change quicker than in adults which got me thinking as two days ago I went into school and louder and jumpy until third period where my mood just dropped for no reason at all and I was suddenly really tired and irritable and anti social until fifth where my friends ended up making me laugh but then [I]again [/I]I crashed back down and was depressed for around the next day and a half. I wasn't on my period if that helps.
I know that people may say that I'm feeling this way because I'm a teenage girl and has a lot going on and all that but that's seriously not how it feels as I've always been more emotional than the kids as in primary I remember one of the teachers wanted to give me some kind of councilling/therapy (she didn't call it that but she said you can come and talk to me when you feel like this...) but I just avoided it and most of the time teachers didn't call my mum when I got into fights like the other kids. Also my mood swings don't have anything to do with my menstrual cycle as they happen ever not just always between cycles or just at the start and finish and plus, I remember that I went through a really lonely and depressed time that lasted between February and April so longer than just a menstrual cycle.
I also heard that exercise helps with depression which made me notice a change in my moods lately as I've taken up walking and pilates lately as an attempt to lose some weight (as I'm insecure about my appearance) which I feel has calmed down my strange appetite and I don't feel as up and down when I exercise although I feel the same when I'm not exercising. Researching bipolar online convinced me to talk to my teacher at school last week about how I've been feeling(which caused me to break down crying) and she's referred me to a school councilor so hopefully that'll help as well.
I've done loads of self diagnosis tests online, that I know aren't 100% reliable but they do give you an idea of if you're suffering from bipolar or depression, and I've passed everyone that I've done but I don't know if that's just me saying anything to convince myself I have it as on some tests it's blatant what answer will get what result.
So...am I depressed, bipolar or just trying to be? I need the opinions of people who actually have.
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