Hi Im new to all this so bear with me. I was diagnosed bipolar about 5 years maybe 7 years ago. was never on any meds except effexor for the first year after diagnoses then no meds. My husband is a great hard working (we run our own trucking comany) provider and we have 3 sons.

I am at times inconsistent in my parenting maybe more than most. i let my kids talk me outta or into things. especially my oldest boy who is also BIPOLAR. I get more angry than i should I cuss more than i should and I feel out of control more than i think other people do. I change my according to who I am round and I am more relaxed when my husband is gone. I go to fast sometimes i can tell it in myself. And up till late I have not believed myself to be bipolar.

Before I met my husband I used to pay all my bills and take care of my son and go to work had the same job for 8 years before i met my husband. was buying my own home and had over 10,000 dollars in credit cards that hardly got used and were paid in full yearly with taxes.

I have always battled with my husband and his statements of you need meds" ...or "has your period started yet"...or "did you forget you pills today" just about anything you can think of to discount my feelings on about everything i tried to hold strong to weather it was the kids or defending my actions or stating my feelings about how he talks to me.

I feel I have bit my toungue and tried to talk and yelled and screamed and cried and cried and done all I can to communicate to my husband and try to get him to understand me. And as of June last Year I have no clue who I am. I tried illegal drugs last year hid it then got caught And since then My husband controls all the money and I am on Depakote 500mg once a day.

I am pissed that I have to have a seperate account for money and the job Ive done for 9 years of paying the bills is now his job and he sucks at it and I have no hand in Balancing the check book. And hes changing all the online log in codes for all the bills. I feel trapped and controlled.

For the last 8 months I have packed up the kids and left him once a month about the time my monthly is son to start or has just stopped. I have lied a few times which is not in character for me but they are about going out to eat or who i am on the phone with. My husband is sure im cheating on him (however he is the one who did this to me our 1st year of marriage). He is in constant struples over the money and me spending so much.

And in the last few months he has been persistent about saying when he leaves for work overnight that I change or im instantly running to town. And acting suspicious.

This is gona end my marriage if i cant figure it out or see my problem as a problem. He says the only problem in our marriage in my condition. Im on meds and I have a therapist and even she isnt to convinced Im bipolar however I have gotten my husband to join us in THERAPY once so far. But he is so consumed of me being the problem that we cant even touch the issues our marriage is having. And the fact I feel controlled.

And when he sees my condition coming out he talks it to the bitter end rubbing it in grinding it in and trying to talk me down he says.
But I dont feel mad or upset at these time usually I just disagreed with him about something and wouldn't change my mind at least that how it feels to me. AFTER HE PUSHes and accuses and as he says try to get me to see how wrong i am i reach my breaking point and i cant think and he wont let me take a time out and if i do he is mean or calls endlessly trying to "make me see".

I cant handle this emotionally and I cant leave my husband every darn month and MY kids dont need this either. Please is this my bipolar are my meds wrong.

I know my hubby is a bit controling but i know he loves us and he works hard everyday and wants and strives for the best for hi family and he mors than does this. We dont want or need anything. And in all honesty I am quite spoiled.

But Im not sure all this is worth more then my emotional sanity or mental stability. I mean he pushed and pushed today til i cried so hard and told him to come get the kids he could have them and I would leave so they could all have a better life without me. I am always the only problem. its me its my ind its my feelings its my inability to pul my head outta my ass as mmy husband would say....god some one help im running out of ideas and the alternative ideas arent looking so hot but alot less painful



Answers


bella
2351 days ago
Hi - if you've been told you're bipolar, then chances are you do have this and it's better to accept it. Usually it's best to take medication and go for therapy rather than not take meds because it balances the mood. For some reason some patients have trouble accepting they're bipolar. It could be when they're manic, they actually feel very good. Is it the one and only source of your marriage problems - no it's not, but it does contribute. Have you had a problem with being reckless with money? Is so, this is probably why your husband is limiting the money. You also mentioned illegal drug use and this affects trust in general including trusting you with money.

I think the best thing to do at this point is, get into couples counseling together. It would also be great to get financial counseling and for both to follow a budget together. Financial problems are a big source of problems for many couples. Another good thing to consider is, learning how to 'fight fairly' and couples counseling would mention this and I'll give you a link. It's important for both of you to use the tips and agree to the strategies. For example he pesters you until you cry and wears you down - this is wrong and its better to agree to take breaks when fighting turns toxic.

Another issue you mention is parenting problems - being consistent and positive discipline is something that needs improving. Since you're both stressed out it makes sense the kids are also stressed and neither of you can be the parents you want to be, if you're stressed.

In a nutshell you need to keep your illness stable, prove you're trust worthy (due to your past drug problem), get financial counseling and learn how to communicate better as a couple. You both need to decide if you want to work on the marriage instead of leaving and then coming back. Here's a fighting fairly link:

http://marriage.about.com/cs/conflictandanger/ht/fightfair.htm



Ami4Real
2350 days ago
THen please explain these parts.

.....was never on any meds except effexor for the first year after diagnoses then no meds.

........Before I met my husband I used to pay all my bills and take care of my son and go to work had the same job for 8 years before i met my husband. was buying my own home and had over 10,000 dollars in credit cards that hardly got used and were paid in full yearly with taxes

............And when he sees my condition coming out he talks it to the bitter end rubbing it in grinding it in and trying to talk me down he says.

But I dont feel mad or upset at these time usually I just disagreed with him about something and wouldn't change my mind at least that how it feels to me. AFTER HE PUSHes and accuses and as he says try to get me to see how wrong i am i reach my breaking point and i cant think and he wont let me take a time out and if i do he is mean or calls endlessly trying to "make me see".



bella
2350 days ago
As I said in my post - I don't think this is all your fault and I agree your husband has problems with blaming you for everything. He's responsible for his own faults and how it affects your marriage.

I believe you have a good history handling money and being stable. Since I don't know you IRL maybe there is a possibility you're not bipolar but maybe you do have it....and are in denial, which often happens with bipolar disorder. If your life feels like a roller coaster ride and you find yourself making reckless decisions ....like with past drug use, excessive shopping etc.....these are signs of not being stable.

I agreed you're not the only one with problems and rarely is one person solely responsible for problems in a marriage. He shouldn't drill issues or endlessly argue until you give in. Mental illness can strike anyone at anytime - meaning a person could be completely functional and then mental illness strikes. Hopefully both of you can agree to work on your problems and take responsibility.



katwoman
2346 days ago
Hi Ami,

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. Your posting really hits home for me. I, too, have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and like you, am unsure if I really have it. I feel very safe in saying that, as my shrink told me the exact same thing. He wasn't the one who diagnosed me. I have no idea who did, (I was in the hospital for several months after several surgeries including a liver transplant, and saw a lot of Dr.'s. I was unconscious most of the time). Once we have been diagnosed, other people, no matter who they are, never take us seriously again. Whether it's a Dr. or civilian(?) who thinks we're loons, or family members, (like your husband), who doesn't want to believe it, or uses it against us to make them feel better about themselves, and also thinks were loons. Have you tried to get a 2nd opinion? Have you thought about asking your shrink for a different kind of medication, (like Lithium), since your Depakote doesn't seem like it's working? I don't know why your Dr. put you on Effexor for a year, then took you off without prescribing anything else. That seems really strange to me. Maybe he/she isn't so sure you're really bipolar either. If I didn't like my shrink, or wasn't happy with my care, I would get a new one.

Your husband sounds like a real jerk! How horribly cruel of him to throw your condition in your face the way he does! Also for not accepting responsibility for his part in your marital problems. No, you shouldn't have to move out every month. How badly do you want to keep your marriage together? If pretty bad, then by all means seek counseling. I like Bella's idea of learning how to fight fairly, (my husband and I could use that). Your husband really needs to learn how to do that. If you're not that interested, then leave. Go somewhere and start over. Get to know yourself and what you want from life all over again. It'll feel good, and you won't have anyone breathing down your neck and bringing you down anymore. Your kids will more than likely welcome the new-found peace and serenity.

Whatever you decide, I pray that everything works out for you. You sound like a good person. : )



janeandjohn
2344 days ago
I believe that you feel that you are being controlled because YOU ARE. PLEASE, PLEASE read "But He Never Hit Me" by Dr. Jill Murray. This book is an eye-opener about the effects of verbal/emotional/sexual abuse on females by their male partners. You might have some moodiness, etc., but it sound like to me that your mental problems are largely caused by your husband. It is pathethic that the mental health community completely misses how abusive relationships create mental health probs. for their victims time & time again. Also, watch the movie "Gaslighting". You can view it on YouTube. It shows a woman who is manipulated by a sadistic man into thinking that SHE'S "crazy". This movie is a oldie but a goodie. It outlines the mechanics of emotional abuse and how it can make a person who starts out healthy & sane actually start to have serious mental problems because of the brainwashing & abuse. I really do believe that you are experiencing terrible emotional abuse & that this is the main source of your dx of "bipolar". It sounds like divorce may very well be your best (or only) option for recovering yourself, your sanity, your life.