Avatar Posted by fairymafia 76 days ago (Question)
When i get into an arguement with my husband i get really bad like i want to hit something, but i try to control it. It feels like im another person and i don't know what i am doing.when we fight my husband tells me to hit him but i don't want to and i end up hitting him. I ahte myself for doing it and i don't want him to leave me. I have no insurance and no medicine or help.I don't know what to do if i keep this up im jsut going to have to live with my self .


Answers

Written by Thumbelina 75 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Wow. I can honestly say I've never heard of someone asking someone to hit them! Sometimes I feel like hitting my husband! (Just kidding, he frustrates me so much sometimes!) But I can tell by your post that you are very upset by this and you feel terrible afterwards.

Every couple argues. And I can identify with what you describe about getting so angry that you feel like another person. I used to get so emotionally charged that it didn't feel like it was me. But I wonder about your husband asking you to hit him. He must have something in his past that is making it satisfactory in some way to be hit by you. He doesn't hit you back, does he? It also concerns me that no matter what the circumstances, whether he asks you to do it or not, this is physical violence, even though it may be mild, but it is still physical violence and by law, it is assault.

I would suggest that you pick a time when the two of you are sitting around the house, enjoying yourselves and talking and bring up the subject of what occurs when you argue. Tell him that you are not comfortable with him asking you to hit him. Describe to him in detail how it makes you feel. Tell him it scares you and it humiliates you.

One question: Are you afraid that he will leave if you don't do what he asks and hit him? Or are you afraid that he will leave because you hit him? Either way, he is not being fair to you to ask you to do something that you are not comfortable doing and makes you feel so awful.

One more thing I was wondering: Are these arguments usually accompanied by drinking? If so, the alcohol may be fueling your anger. This might be a second issue you need to look into.

This is something the two of you need to talk about when you are not arguing and when you are sober and calm. If you cannot resolve it, you can always try counseling.

Best of luck to you.

Written by bellacutie 75 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks for being so honest. I understand what you mean by something comes over you - I saw a program on anger and some people get so angry, that they actually go in the ZONE now this doesn't mean this is an excuse for losing it. I'm not talking about the exercise zone LOL. The person becomes so angry that they lose their common sense and feel out of control. The trick here is you want to gain back that feeling of losing control. I strongly suggest you enroll in anger management, learn how to fight fairly and implement some coping mechanisms such as deep breathing exercises. Did you know that Tom Bergeron from America's Funniest Videos admits to having an anger problem? He said what helped him greatly was meditation.

You both need to establish some boundaries and rules for healthy communicating - no yelling/hitting, no name calling and instead each one gets to say their side while the other listens and tries to understand. The moment you feel stress coming on you BOTH need to agree to take a break - where you will do some slow deep breathing(he can do this too) until you calm down. He needs to also agree not to egg you on by inflaming the situation.

I also highly recommend vigorous physical exercise or even martial arts where you could vent your frustration in a controlled atmosphere. Also it's helpful to ask yourself does this really matter - is it worth the stress. Did you know that when you're angry your body becomes flooded with stress hormones like cortisol - which causes inflamation. Ultimatley you're hurting yourself as well as those you love. I admire you for relaizing that this is a problem. You can take control and manage your anger with coping skills and learning to settle conflicts fairly. Best of luck.

Written by StillStanding1 75 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I get overwhelmed with anger quite often: like you, it's mostly directed at my husband. It's an awful feeling, like you are being pulled deeper and deeper into this red, hot anger, and you can't stop yourself. What I am learning from my struggles with managing my anger (we haven't come to blows, but there were times I think I came very close), is that I just have to walk away sometimes. Literally. I have to drop the issue and go collect myself, then deal with it/him when I am calmer. That has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I am not saying you don't need to address things as they come up, but just put some time between yourself and your husband. Tell him you want to talk more about it, but you need a break. Take as long as you need for those huge waves of anger to subside a little. It can take me as brief as 10 minutes, and as long as 2 weeks, depending on the issue.

The guilt you feel over these eruptions only make you feel worse. I often embarrass myself when I have a "fit," and wish I could take a giant eraser to the whole thing.

I think exercise was a great idea. It helps me calm down and see things a little differently. There are often times when getting out and exercising (I take long walks) is the last thing I want to do, but once I start, the anger energy seems to abate.

I hope you are able to walk away and give yourself a break next time. Good luck to you.

Written by Clyde 75 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Does he hit you at all, or is it just one sided? It also seems to me that he is in a way "asking for you to do so," or else he wouldnt continually want you to do it.

Practice breathing and relaxation techniques when the fight stuff comes up. Do not just yell and punch. Allow yourself time to count to 10, time to think...

Do you feel yourself always having anger issues?

Best,

Clyde

Written by VeraConcerned 70 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I am very impressed by all the wise advice offered in dealing with this anger problem. I have a couple of practical suggestions that have helped me with my anger problem.

One thing I do when I am angry is to isolate myself. And I try to do something mental—like a sudako puzzle or something to engage my mental facilities. I had read that emotional brain is quieted when your prefrontal lobes become engaged. And when you do this, you are no longer processing the thoughts that make you angry. It takes some doing when you are really emotionally charged but just be determined and most likely, the anger will subside.

Another technique that works for me is to see an imaginary movie of myself carrying on in total anger. Talking and screaming and cursing—but in a movie. At the same time I am sitting in the audience, rather calm, watching this movie of myself going ballistic. I alternate views of seeing my calm self watching the movie and the image of my emotional self on the movie screen. Then gradually I notice that the anger of the movie screen me becomes less and less intense and then it disappears. I got this idea from a neural-linguistic program. But for some reason or other, it reduces my anger symptoms substantially—rather quickly.

There is a free resource available. There are Recovery International group meetings happening throughout the country that employs Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques. And if there is not a meeting near you, they also have phone meetings.

You can find out more about Recovery International (formerly Recovery, Inc. founded in 1937) by going to www.lowselfhelpsystems.org.

In Recovery International, we work to change the thinking habits that stir up emotional distress. It offers very practical and commonsense ways to reframe situations and get us out of the blame and shame and alarmist kind of thinking, which have been shown to be the source of prolonged anger.


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