My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 mo. now, and I moved in, in Jan. this year, we talked about getting married and we were going to do so.
The Problem: He has 2 sons 12-14, who I think are great kids, we were both under the assumption that everything was OK, dad would ask them regularly if the were OK with me and if they liked me, they would always yes, but now that we want to get married there is a major issue that we were not aware of, they have said that they hate me, they say that I boss them around and tell them what to do, although neither of us can see this, I have asked the to help do something, but I have never ordered them to do anything (I know that is not my place), I always asked, and they also say they are afraid of me, for what reason neither of us are sure of, this has been brewing with them for a few months, but yet they have never said anything to dad only there mother. We have both expressed how much we have waited a lifetime for each other, but now we don't know what to do, we want to spend our lives together, but we don't know what should be said or done about how the kids feel, if they will not talk to me, how do we resolve this problem. We have also thought about not having me at home when the kids come for the weekend, although I do not see how this will help the problem.
The Problem: He has 2 sons 12-14, who I think are great kids, we were both under the assumption that everything was OK, dad would ask them regularly if the were OK with me and if they liked me, they would always yes, but now that we want to get married there is a major issue that we were not aware of, they have said that they hate me, they say that I boss them around and tell them what to do, although neither of us can see this, I have asked the to help do something, but I have never ordered them to do anything (I know that is not my place), I always asked, and they also say they are afraid of me, for what reason neither of us are sure of, this has been brewing with them for a few months, but yet they have never said anything to dad only there mother. We have both expressed how much we have waited a lifetime for each other, but now we don't know what to do, we want to spend our lives together, but we don't know what should be said or done about how the kids feel, if they will not talk to me, how do we resolve this problem. We have also thought about not having me at home when the kids come for the weekend, although I do not see how this will help the problem.
A place to come to ask and answer questions from others on mental health and relationship issues.
Copyright © 1992-2008 Psych Central. All rights reserved.
Answers
I am a stepmother with three stepsons. My youngest stepson was 12 when my husband and I married, only 7 when we met and started dating.
The first thing that stood out for me in your reply was that you only know how they feel from their mother, might she not have an ulterior motive for reporting that the boys do not like you and feel you order them around?
I think it is necessary for you and your fiance to sit down with the boys and get information from the "horses mouths" :-) and see if the 4 of you cannot come to a better understanding of one another. But you should not let your marriage plans be derailed by what your stepsons think/do not think of you at this stage, especially if neither of you can see anything you are doing "wrong" with them. They cannot be allowed to hold you hostage, you and your fiance are the adults and must lead.
When my stepson came to stay with us (we went camping a lot and took him also) I usually gave a lot of space so he and my husband could have quality time together. They often went off and did "boy" things together and son, Dave, actually got more attention from his father than he would have had his father stayed married to his mother. But through the years Dave and I have had our own relationship and worked through problems together. It is like any other relationship and if they don't "like" you that is not that great a problem; they still have their mother and if you serve as an outlet for some of their pain of their parents divorce, that's okay, provided they do not abuse you!
But the biggest piece of advice I'd give is to make "friends" with their mother if you can. That might smooth the way for you and the boys the most, if they see you and their mother getting along fine. My husband's ex- feels she and I are good friends :-) I'm hosting Mothers Day festivities in a couple weeks and it includes not only my husband's 3 sons, wives, grandchildren, but also my husband's ex-wife, her sister and her mother!
I so want to thank you for your advice, and the boys have just gotten around to telling there father how they feel, but I still feel that there maybe a motive to all of this, we (the boys & I) gotten alone until now, we use to joke with each other, now they do not want to come over here if I am here.
We are both hurting from this, and I am not sure if the kids know how this is making there dad feel.
Hi there. I am sure they are not really thinking about how it makes him feel. They are missing there Mom, as I am sure you know, and wish that their Dad and Mom weren't NOT going to be married anymore.
Please try not to let it get you down. Perna does have good ideas about it though.
If you and the Dad (and perhaps the Mom--either with or not with the two of you) could set them down and explain the relationships, etc., it could help?
Best,
Clyde
gin911, please realize this is a real problem for now, and quite common. Since you have waited a lifetime to be together, a little while longer shouldn't hurt too much.
I don't know but that your moving in helped changed the situation. Perhaps the teens were fine with you as their dad's (and their?) friend, but not as his wife.
If the dad is really able to talk with them, I would suggest he do that again, first. They need to be able to express their real feelings, and ask questions so he can explain the basics (how you aren't taking the place of their biological mom, that they will have to obey you, etc)
ONce he and they have a basic understanding, then have conferences with all of you, sharing and asking questions. As I said, their talk before was with you as Dad's friend, now they need to think a little more about family dynamics. I'm sure they will find arguments about rule changes or such, but as with any family, these can be worked out.
Make them a part of the process, and include them as much as possible. However, at some point, whether they are happy with the change or not, they will have to learn to live with it. If their issues are deeper than the usual (such as, if their dad marries you that really hits home with them that mom and dad are never getting back together) I would suggest getting a third party involved such as a therapist who is trained in family and marital issues.
Good wishes on your upcoming marriage!
drjean
Hello everyone: First I would like to thank you all for all the great advice, and Chris & I have come up with a few ideas and are going to put them to work this week and test the water with the kids this way.
First thing is that I will stay in the house, and keep myself in check another words our conversations will be hey how's it going, end of conversation.
Second: Not to ask them to do anything.
Third: Dad to have a chat with them, letting them know how he feels and how this is making him feel (Basics: he loves me wants to spend his life with me and that I will be here, so can we all just get alone.
I have also told that when he tells them how he feels and they respond with "we don't care" then they do not respect you as there father.
We are going to give this a try and see what happens, we are both hopeful that it will work.
Once again thank you all for your advice.
JMGS