I’m a lesbian mother to a 23 month old girl (Heather) conceived via artificial insemination. I was in a relationship when I gave birth but that relationship ended a year after Heather was born. The plan was that my ex (Kris) and I would raise Heather together. But there are circumstances that make me wonder if that’s for the best. There isn’t room here to go into the details. But I do want to know if, considering Kris isn’t Heather’s biological father, and considering I have doubts about Kris’ parenting skills, and considering Heather is young enough now that she wouldn’t miss Kris if Kris exited her life, and considering how difficult it can be on a child to be shuffled back and forth between two parents, would it ultimately be better for Heather if she had just one mom and one home?
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Answers
It is a shame that the debate about male/female parenting vs. that of same-sex couples has come into this issue. Whatever one thinks about it, it is not relevant to the decision that has to be made now, and I think moralizing of this kind is out of place here. I hope you will disregard it, Keala, and I want to apologize for the fact that you were faced with it here.
keala, it does sound like a difficult situation. However, you did plan to have a child one way or the other and now must deal with the consequences of that choice.
You said, "considering Kris isn’t Heather’s biological father," but also said, "She doesn’t help much" so your reference was that perhaps Kris doesn't have the legal rights like a father would?
When I first read your post I really felt that the issue about the child isn't the main issue, but that you might be using the child as an excuse to fully cut off contact with Kris. I could be wrong...
IMO you didn't consider what was best for Heather in the first place, as it's shown that children raised in a traditional two married parents (male/female)in the home gives them the best foundation for life. Moving on from there, you created this situation -with Kris- and should at least work it out with her also.
You said, " considering Heather is young enough now that she wouldn’t miss Kris if Kris exited her life." There is no "young enough" to not miss someone who has been in your life.
Why not engage in couples counseling to work out the issues, including those with the child, and have help creating what is now in the best interest of the child?
Good wishes
drjean
If Heather and Kris do have an attachment, and it helps you as well, it seems as if having Kris stay in the picture has a lot going for it. I'm a single mother myself, and there's a LOT to be said for someone loving who can pinch-hit at times. But if Heather is mostly at your house, Kris would be in a sort of "auntie" status even if she goes by the name of "mom" and/or thinks of herself as a mom. Kids from divorced heterosexual couples often have this same arrangement, and often with one parent at some distance, as would be the case if you moved to Texas. In those cases I think it's definitely better if both parents stay involved, assuming neither is abusive. Otherwise kids ends up thinking, "Was something wrong with me that my father/mother abandoned me?" Since Kris is not biologically connected to your daughter, she may not grow up with the same thoughts -- but it's hard to tell; she still might. She might think, "When I was born I had two mothers, but I guess one didn't really love me very much." So to have continuing contact with Kris, even in a much less intense form, would head off this possibility. It also sounds as if Kris is quite attached to Heather, which must be reassuring for Heather. It's a challenge to make split-up and extended families work sometimes, but if you can do it without undue tension, I think it might be rewarding all round. As Clyde said, the more love in a child's life, the better.
Hi there,
I am not so sure I can answer either. If Kris would beat, cheat, or hurt on you, or something like that, perhaps. But I do think as the other poster said, a good thing would be to talk to Kris about it.
Kris may not want to leave her life either. As the other poster said, she could be like an Aunt, and it could be possible that the break-up has you seeing the situation through rose colored glasses.
Normally, yes, it is best to have one consistent home, but at the same time, it is vital for kids now a days to have as many people who love them around as possible.
Best,
Clyde
I'm not sure there's one right answer to this question. One question that would arise for me is how Kris feels about it. Do she and Heather have a loving relationship? Presumably you felt Kris had adequate promise as a parent when you planned to raise your baby together, so it's possible also that the breakup has colored your view of her potential. Hard as it is, you have to put aside your view (which is probably, if you're like the rest of us, "I'd welcome never having to see this person again, much less share a child with her") and think of Heather's interests above your preferences -- which it's clear you're trying to do. It's true that it's less confusing for a child to have only one home. But it's also true that children thrive with many people to love them and multiple homes in which they feel loved -- think grandparents, aunts and uncles, and so forth. I'm also not so sure that 24 months is too young to notice the loss of someone Heather is attached to. It's better than later on, but I would think there would still be some sadness and a sense of loss. For me, I think it would turn on how attached Heather and Kris are now, and whether you think Kris would remain a loving parent for Heather. Rather than guessing (which might be distorted by your own anger), my inclination would be to ask Kris how she feels about remaining a parent to Heather for life. If she's devoted to Heather, I would take that seriously. And it's possible that she doesn't have to be another mom -- she could be an auntie, perhaps? I hope you can work something out that will make Heather feel loved and supported.
Thank you so much for your reply. Because the length of entries is limited, I couldn’t include all the details in my original post. Kris didn’t initially want a baby. But my clock was ticking and I was going to have one with or without her. She decided to come along for the ride and after Heather was born, she fell in love with Heather and eventually became mom.
After I moved out, she’s shown that she does want to be a parent to Heather, but mostly just when it’s convenient for her to do so. I do 99% of the raising (both physically and financially). But she does love Heather and Heather does love her and I know it would hurt Kris to lose her mom status. I don’t want to hurt Kris which is what’s making this decision so hard.
The big trigger that’s got me thinking about all of this is the very real chance I may have to move back to Texas to take care of my mom in a couple of years. That would mean I’d be separating Kris and Heather when Heather is older and would feel the impact much more profoundly than she would now.
Finally, for the past month, Kris has been hurt and hasn’t been seeing Heather as much and Heather hasn’t been doing overnight visits at Kris’ house so she’s already used to having less contact. If we’re going to make a break, now’s the time to do it.
It’s just that it would hurt Kris. And honestly, it’s easier for me when Kris is involved. She doesn’t help much financially, but she does take Heather for an overnight visit most weeks which gives me a nice break. But when I really think about what is best for Heather, I truly cannot decide whether giving her Kris as a second mom is good for her or not. One minute I’m sure I feel one way, and the other I’m sure I feel another. I honestly just want to know what’s best for Heather, like any mom, I guess.