I am currently at a loss as to how to resolve an issue with my 16 yr.old.Two yrs. ago both my children (now 16 and 14) moved in with their dad, as to give him a chance to have them F/T.As much as it killed me, I agreed simply because it was a verbal agreement between my ex & I, and that when the kids were old enough to make that decision, we'd do what makes them happy. I was devastated, even though both my kids assured me it was simply to give their dad a chance to have them around more.Prior to their moving, I was in a very unhealthy, abusive relationship with my GF and going through the motions of that.My kids made it clear that my being a lesbian didn't affect their decision, and were ok with it.There are so many details to this. Anyway,I continued to have a close bond with my kids.Every summer my kids spend it with their grandparents 500 miles away. During the summer of 2005, I spent that time at Cape Cod, just to take space and find myself again after this horrible relationship. After that summer, I entered into a new relationship (healthy & loving), and moved 40 minutes away from the kids, still seeing them as often as I could aside from the weekends. My kids wanted me closer, so my GF & I made the decision to buy a new home in the same town, which we did 03/07. The kids were happy, things were great and suddenly started noticing changes in my son. When he spoke, he always felt he was right about everything, he's very selfish and argues with his sister. He'd always end up getting his way(not w/me)until I called him on speaking to his sister inappropriately.I was very calm & direct with him, but his voice escalated, and he became angrier. He became disrespectful to me,and no matter what I said,he didn't get it.He ended up calling me an a**hole,& at that point I 'grounded' him & took his cell away. I dropped him off at school the next morning, & hasn't seen or spoken to me since. This has been since May.I have made every effort & attempt to communicate to him. I wrote letters, left voice messages. I did everything but get in his space, or physically make him come with me, which I wont.I have tried communicating with his father as well and he's not being supportive at all. It's like he is using my son to his advantage (we have lawyers involved now) because he's bitter maybe,& found that he has put me down several times in front of my kids.My son has lashed out & wrote me a few times. He said he was angry b/c I went away a few times without him, that he doesn't like the way I dress, etc. He feels I get in his business, and I do ask questions,etc. but I also give them both their space to mess up, and learn from their mistakes.I also explained that when I travel, it's in the summer & he's choosing to spend it with his grandparents.I also told him that it's not abnormal for parents to get away alone sometimes.I feel that he's angry maybe because I had him so young(17), and am only 34. I've always been into fashion, etc. but by no means am I dressing inappropriately. It's like he's just grasping,& finding whatever he can to justify his anger.I also have told him that we can't fix anything if he doesn't communicate with me. I already apologized to him if there was something I said that upset him or whatever.Some things can't be changed, and all I can do is move forward with him. I feel as though even though I had my kids at such a young age, that I have been a great mom. When the rest of my friends were partying it up in their 20's, I was home with my kids. It just really upsets me that I can't do anything about this, especially having no support from my ex.My ex is also not my son's biological father(he has since passed), but has raised my son like his own. My ex & both have legal joint custody, etc. I started going to therapy, but after a few sessions of my therapist falling asleep, I didn't go back. I was there for the most devastating issue in my life at a time I needed support the most. Now, it's just difficult as I just began a new job. Today is my son's 16th birthday. I always imagined that I would be the one to take him for his learner's permit/license, etc. as it's an important bday.It's breaking my heart because I feel like I lost my son. The last email he sent, he said that he doesn't have any feelings of love & care for me & that he doesn't want anything to do with me until the day I die, or he..whichever comes first.I was floored. It's so unlike him to be speaking to me like this. He used to call and talk to me for hours when he wasn't with me, and never wanted to hang up.I don't even know what happened,& when I ask he doesn't have anything concrete. I can't get any answers.I feel like I have nobody on my side.I've been a great mom,& sure I've made a few small mistakes, but I learned from them &made me a stronger parent.My head's on straight, I work in social services and I'm a good person.I don't know why he doesn't see that in me. I honestly feel his father is manipulating him,etc.Both our lawyers are lazy, and every day that goes by for me with my son not talking to me, is just killing me more & more. My son is also very straight edge, and dumps friends who start drinking or smoking. He's totally against it. He's very active into sports, and an A/B student.There is so much more I could say, but it would be a book & I'm sure I'm running out of space here. If you have any thoughts, questions or suggestions, please email me! Gem0573@yahoo.com
Thank you,
Lisa
Thank you,
Lisa
A place to come to ask and answer questions from others on mental health and relationship issues.
Copyright © 1992-2008 Psych Central. All rights reserved.
Answers
Lisa,
Do you think he may be upset because of the divorce and that you arent going to be back with his other Dad? We dont always know what is going on, but perhaps he is hearing stuff that is not true about you and he is upset about that?
Something has surely set him off about you? Could it be what I mentioned earlier?
I really hope he comes around to talking to you again very soon!
Clyde
Hi Lisa. I think you're on to something about needing to talk with him, it does appear that something has really changed in his life. Maybe he's blaming you for it.
Keep working at contacting him, but don't rely just upon the phone, you don't know what has changed in that area either. Send a letter, card, text message, email...and keep doing so. Keep contact with him.
In your contacts, don't berate him at all. Talk about how much you enjoyed your long talks on the phone, and his sharing and all that. Talk about how you wonder how things have changed for him that he doesn't share any more, and how no matter what, you still love him and will be there for him.
Then, be consistent. Try to be level headed though I know this must be extremely frustrating. Others have gone through it, and you can too. I wish you good results with this!
drjean