Get ready because this is a mouthful lol.
My family is definitely dysfunctional and it seems I am the brunt of all the family arguments. I've caused a lot of commotion because I wanted to go to college, I wanted to get out of the house, and I want to have a successful life. My dad is emotionally abusive and my mom makes me feel bad all the time and just emotionally dumps on me all the problems in the family. I have been called the "squeaky wheel" because I say how I feel and I tell it like it is. My 21 year old brother still lives at home and doesn't have a job, my mom stays home all the time and doesn't have the motive to do anything, my dad can't work for anybody and just sells coins for income. My little brother constantly puts himself down and has anger issues because of all the stress within the family. My dad puts down my mother all the time in front of us and causes huge fights and laughs in our faces when we are upset which has caused me and my mom to lose it. There is no getting through to him. I go home and it's just this air of depression, nobody wants to do anything and all there is, is constant fighting about money or the family getting mad at me because I say what's wrong the family, it's like I'm the only who can see all the wrong going on! I am doing my best to stay positive and fight through all the problems. I am in college and taking care of myself but now that I am home for summer I am back in this emotional prison. I feel sad and angry a lot and find myself in just a horrible state of mind. All of these problems cause me to be very paranoid and not very trusting of people. I also feel that I am just a nuisance to a lot of people and that no one truly cares. This has caused me to look for unhealthy relationships with guys because I feel like I am underserving. I also end up finding guys that are like my dad. I feel like I'm the problem a lot and that all of what's going on is partially my fault. My mom tells me that I am messed up and she is surprised I have any friends when in reality I have friends that tell me that my parents are messed up not me. I have a lot going for me but I feel like my parents would just love to see me fail. It's messing up my life, I know that deep down I am a good person but my parents make me feel like I'm the problem all the time. I feel like I'm being brainwashed and I don't know how to cope. If I could I would move out but I have no means to do it. How am I supposed to deal with all this and lead a successful life and actually be confident in who I am?
My family is definitely dysfunctional and it seems I am the brunt of all the family arguments. I've caused a lot of commotion because I wanted to go to college, I wanted to get out of the house, and I want to have a successful life. My dad is emotionally abusive and my mom makes me feel bad all the time and just emotionally dumps on me all the problems in the family. I have been called the "squeaky wheel" because I say how I feel and I tell it like it is. My 21 year old brother still lives at home and doesn't have a job, my mom stays home all the time and doesn't have the motive to do anything, my dad can't work for anybody and just sells coins for income. My little brother constantly puts himself down and has anger issues because of all the stress within the family. My dad puts down my mother all the time in front of us and causes huge fights and laughs in our faces when we are upset which has caused me and my mom to lose it. There is no getting through to him. I go home and it's just this air of depression, nobody wants to do anything and all there is, is constant fighting about money or the family getting mad at me because I say what's wrong the family, it's like I'm the only who can see all the wrong going on! I am doing my best to stay positive and fight through all the problems. I am in college and taking care of myself but now that I am home for summer I am back in this emotional prison. I feel sad and angry a lot and find myself in just a horrible state of mind. All of these problems cause me to be very paranoid and not very trusting of people. I also feel that I am just a nuisance to a lot of people and that no one truly cares. This has caused me to look for unhealthy relationships with guys because I feel like I am underserving. I also end up finding guys that are like my dad. I feel like I'm the problem a lot and that all of what's going on is partially my fault. My mom tells me that I am messed up and she is surprised I have any friends when in reality I have friends that tell me that my parents are messed up not me. I have a lot going for me but I feel like my parents would just love to see me fail. It's messing up my life, I know that deep down I am a good person but my parents make me feel like I'm the problem all the time. I feel like I'm being brainwashed and I don't know how to cope. If I could I would move out but I have no means to do it. How am I supposed to deal with all this and lead a successful life and actually be confident in who I am?
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Answers
hi there
Well your situation is easy and at the same time difficult.
There are family’s that just because they are lazy and don’t want to do anything and change there lives, they always downsize others. Sorry to say it but your family it this kind.
What I advice you is to limit your communication with them. Talk only on the phone to your mother. She might be influenced negatively by the environment but if you talk to her over the phone and tell her the good things that are happening in your life she will be proud of you, “she might not say it, but she will be”.
The second thing is move on your life. Try to build something for yourself. Don’t seek for approval from other people (family or no family).
Stop being suspicious with guys, without getting to know them well. Because guys hate freaky chicks.
And always always depend on yourself only. Believe me you’ll make it. Build your character and personally on the good side of yourself, not the bad things you inherit from your family.
Its not gone be easy but at the end you'll make it.
be alwyas strong
Good luck
(((Jakribu)))
Sorry to say, but you may just have to have limited contact with your family, especially if it is getting this bad. You do have a right to your own life, and of course, you want to succeed.
It is like the frog who is in the well, and takes one leap up and falls back two leaps...you will never get out the well (the family situation), if you continue to go back and get reinforced on your families issues over and over.
I definitely am not saying leave them forever or anything. I am just saying you may want to limit your time some, or bring them to where you are, so you have the power (or more of it), instead of going home, where your father and mother are the ones with the power.
Have you also checked into therapy? It could be beneficial to you. I do have a feeling you are a good person too, and just tired and haphazard and stressed out from dealing with the family solution.
It seems a lot of times, our families problems make us enablers to hear all of their issues and we become the ones who get "put-down" or yelled at, even when we have nothing to do with it.
Perhaps it is time to step out of that circle, at least for a little bit? You could still visit, but not as much? Call, so you could hang up when stressed or needed to leave? Write so you don't have to be there for them to read it?
Best,
Clyde
After reading your post I feel like I went back to my first, and only, summer back home from college.
I agree with almost everyone that wrote prior, you will need to distance yourself from your family. A family has patterns of behavior, things that you fall back into from when you were living in that environment. It is extremely hard to fight family patterns on your own. Now, there is family counseling for this sort of thing, but you're at college which makes that possibility difficult to impossible and you're likely to get more guilt trips from your family for challenging their norms.
What happens in these sort of cases, I think, can be either or two things. One, your family could get to such a destructive point that it breaks apart and restarts--so to speak--or, you parents may realize what is going on and take an active role. Sadly, I think this tends to happen a little later. The problem with families is you're really dealing with individuals and the individual has to determine when enough is enough--to get the group to think together in the same way at the same time is very difficult.
You can "move away and never come back" but I'm telling you from my current experience that a LOT of guilt comes from that. Yes, you should move out, or stay with friends. Once you graduate, live with roommates, get a fresh start, but work with one of your parents, Mom or Dad, whoever is most sympathetic and see if you can help that person realize what is going on.
Use the rotten apple metaphor in reverse, a good apple refreshing the bunch one by one; however, keep your distance. You MUST keep your personal perspective. Don't give your family a foothold to sway you with in your life.
See if you can convince one, not both, of your parents to get some help, therapy, advise, something. Talk with him or her about what he or she thinks should be done in the family or for themselves to make their quality of life better, and as a result everyone else's quality of life better.
It's always a lot of effort. Try talking to a conselor yourself first and see if they can guide you in the right direction, but that's my two cents. I hope it helps.
~Shirlz
hey i have same problem with my family if you want read my post on main part of pc its called maximum overload i know situations like that are never good my parents are lazy only income is from social security no jobs nothing always drag me down blah blah blah i dont have a simple solution except move away and never come back thats what i did and so far its working out