Hi,
I am a generally happy person. I have a great family and great friends. My husband was married before me and had three kids. We have a nice relationship (for the most part). His exwife has tried time and time again to come after us for money. The last time, two years ago, costing us $40,000 after lying to the courts. We have paid all the tuition for the oldest's college while she paid nothing (after promising to pay room and board). She is very active in her church; she is a big hypocrit. She puts so much of her own wants ahead of her own children it has made me so mad for years. She married someone after knowing him for only two months.
My husband has ALWAYS supported his children, financially and emotionally. He used to fly to see them one week a month when they were younger. He would fly them to see us four times a year. Now that they are older, we see them twice a year. He calls every week to try to communicate with them. It hasn't always been easy!
I could go on and on. Now, she, her husband and the boys are traveling to the daughter's college graduation (the husband takes ownership of the daughter calling her "our daughter" on facebook). I know they are phonies and take nice pictures in front of pretty scenery on their car trip. But, I get so angry and it makes me cranky. I would like to release this anger once and for all. I know we are better people than they are; I hate how they fool others. My husband's family puts on a happy face and stabs them in the back. That, too, makes me ill. I refuse to be around them or let my two girls be near them. I have tried to be kind and friendly. At the daughter's high school graduation five years ago, I was very friendly and we went home to get served papers trying to get child support for a daughter she didn't support or even keep a room for. Now they all are trotting up to the graduation to take credit for "their" daughter at the graduation. My husband is always made out to be the bad guy because he left this woman. He married too young and made a mistake not getting to know her well enough. The daughter continously has issues with my husband for him not being "good enough". She can be very ungrateful. I wait for the day when she has the maturity to see who her mother is and who her father is. But, knowing she is her phony mother's daughter, I don't know if that day will come.
Anyway...I have lots of emotion around this subject. I want to release the anger. When we were being attacked through the courts with her lies and I couldn't sleep for days on end, I tried some affirmations sending her love and all that. That, plus anti-anxiety pills got me through that difficult (understatement) time two years ago.
The best revenge is living a good life; I know this to be true. We do have a good life. We have two beautiful girls, I am able to be home with them full time. I am grateful for all I have.
This anger I have is heightened at times when my husband has to be around them. So, it's going to be hard for me next week while he's there. I am already annoyed and angry seeing pictures on my stepsons' facebook pages of them on their car trip.
How can I just let it go? They matter less and less to us as the older kids are now 23, 19 and 16.
Sorry for the ramble, but I don't feel I can talk to anyone about this in detail. I don't want to stress my husband out. He was flying to the stepson's h.s. graduation three months ago and had an anxiety panic attack and had to turn around and come home. We were very worried if he went to their state, she would serve him and start the harassment all over again.
Deep, cleansing breathes....sending love...feeling sorry for them instead of hate/anger.
Thanks again.


Answers


Carol
1912 days ago
You are right, it isn't doing you any good to be angry. The best advice I have coming from a step-mom of 3 for 8 years, is to protect your husband and be there for him. We live two different lifestyles; I will never change the fact that my husband pays for his kids and her other kids by other men, or that he had to pay for her college degree, etc., but I have a wonderful husband and a great future with him. As the kids grow older, he will need me even more because the kids may or may not come and visit. So many things I don't have any control over, but what I do, that is what I focus on. Not too sure how much that helps, but it's a mindset I have to deal with sometimes on a weekly basis when we do have visits with the kids. Having freinds to to talk helps tremendously too, but I don't focus on the negative too long, so that I can focus on the positive longer!



bella
1912 days ago
Hi Momof2,

I personally don't have experience with a blended family but my own brother supported his children all the way until full grown. I know it must be very stressful for you/husband. I was wondering would your husband's child payments be less since she remarried. I know he would still have to pay but would the court re-evaluate his payments considering his ex is getting additional income from her spouse?? When his ex asks for more money, make sure your husband has good legal advice!

From your end, all you can do is talk to someone and do your best to support your husband and make sure you both recieve accurate updated legal advice. Once that's done it's important for you, to not add fuel to the fire - meaning if you both are sure that you're not being taken advantage of, then you need to accept that, this is the way it is. Obviously your hudbands very stressed and if you also become stressed, then the whole situation is exascerbated. As long as your husband is receiving updated legal advice then you need to try to be supportive and calming to him.

Now that his children are older, they need to start branching out and communicate with your husband on their own instead of through the courts or their mother.

To make you feel better I suggest you talk about your feelings to a friend or counsellor. Also you can get involved in some vigorous exercise because it will vent your frustrations. If you both are getting current legal advice then all you can do is accept what's happening. Feeling angry is only going to damage you and make things tense in your house. In away his ex wife would love it if she knew you are upset - so you are actually letting her control you. You might want to try meditation, yoga and deep breathing exercises. Remember your house should be a sanctuary for your family. Don't let his ex wifes or his families crap upset your lives.

What is the legal age that his children need support - is it 21 where you live? If it is then there's only 5 more years to go. I don't think it's fair that your husband has to pay for university for them. Make sure he's informed of his financial obligations and then let it go. I hope you feel better, hugs Bella



momof2
1911 days ago
thank you Bella...it's 18 (or when h.s. ends) so only two more years!!! seems so short compared when I met them over a decade ago! sometimes I just get so frustrated/annoyed/angry I don't know what to do. truth is I do exercise 3-6x a week...well I did until a few weeks ago when I developed debilitating migraines. I had been training for a triathlon and was unable to do it as I got the headaches when my heart rate increased! So, going through some tests to figure that out. But, do think my current feelings toward them this week are worse because I cannot exercise!!! We have always had better legal advice than she and always won each and every "fight" she dragged us into. She's not too intelligent.

He wanted to pay for her college so she wouldn't have to worry. That's the kind of guy he is...and I am lucky to be married to him! :)



momof2
1911 days ago
carol, thank you, too, for writing! wow, every week? we miss the day to day interactions, school performances, etc. But...to be honest, I wouldn't live within 5 hours of the mother and step dad! At one point there was a chance of it happening, but it didn't. Phew.

I do try to be there for my husband, but usually am just mad at his family for pretending to be friends with her...for whatever reason. Or, we are both just really angry/shocked/disgusted by the exwife's behavior.

The good news is, for the most part, we are on the same page. We never think differently about raising our kids or the big kids. And, we both think she is a freak. I just need to keep calm next week and not freak out...maybe I can do some yoga and not get a migraine while he is across the country...and I am alone with my 7 and 5 year old! :)



Edahn
1911 days ago
There's stuff you can control and stuff you can't (or don't need to). Regarding the way they lie to the courts, you should invest in a good, solid attorney. It'll cost you less in the long run and will teach her that she can't lie or exploit you guys.

Regarding their phoniness...phoniness makes me upset sometimes too. But then I get over it when I realize it doesn't really matter to my life. The other thing you can consider that will help is how phoniness and all the other stuff that is making you angry comes out of unhappiness with their own lives. It comes out of inferiority, greed, and fixation on status. It's hard to be angry when you see someone's faults and flaws and suffering.

Good luck to you.

~E.



Clyde
1891 days ago
No, it definitely doesnt help the kids either. It doesnt help you either.

And I am sure its not good on the husband. I can understand not going to the stepsons high school graduation because of panic attacks, but doesnt it just send a message that they are the only ones who are caring (while of course, it isnt true)?

Hope things work out for you.

Best,

Clyde



guagualoveyou
1876 days ago
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