Avatar Posted by chipmunk 84 days ago (Question)
i'm an 18-year old girl, and was really close to my father when i was a younger child. after my sister was born i was around 4, i have always sort of felt like she is his favorite and i didnt get the attention and affection i needed. so instead i got close to my grandpa and he filled in that gap.
later on my dad went on business trips a lot and he became obsessed with work. so i didnt see him around too often and when i did, we would always fight or there would be a distance between us. therefore the cause and effect was i wasnt very close to him anymore, i lacked the effection and attention i needed from my dad, and at age 11 i ended up looking at my pastor as sort of a father figure. i never really got close to him because the church was big and i was sort of afraid of him for some reason. but we ended up moving from the state again, causing me to find another father figure. it would have been my grandpa except he started to get dimentia and stuff. instead, it was my youth pastor for a little while (which was weird because he was only like ten years older). then for awhile it was a history of actors which is ALSO weird because i didnt even know them, it was all imagined.
AND THEN my grandpa died which broke my heart. shortly after we switched churches, and so my new father figure was the senior pastor there (yes, a history of pastor-father-figures). i ended up getting very close to him because the church was smaller...and he was a very social/huggy kind of guy. like he always gave me hugs and attention which of course was what made me fill him in on the hole that was there for my father.
laaaatterrr on, when i was around 16, i think my pastor/father-figure noticed my feelings for him were different. and i think it made him feel uncomfortable because that might look bad for him to give ME extra attention because i DID i have a biological father, and you know the stories of pastors molesting children and stuff and i think he didnt want people to think things. so he backed away and i got very little attention from him and it almost caused me to strive for it...like i would act up so i'd have to go see him for counciling and crap like that.
(i also have a history of cutting myself, deppression and anxiety, eating disorders, whole bunch of crap...ive been through ssooo much but i think it best to stick to my story...)
anyways, a few months ago i got put into a mental facility for attempting suicide. im 18, so i was put into the adult side of course. and there, i found a new father-figure. i know most people would say this wasnt the best place, lol, but somehow me and 2 other young adults my age got attached to this really fun 50-year-old veteran who has tattoos, smokes pot and has a history of deppression. he was not in there for attempting suicide like us, instead he put himself in there for deppression. he misses his son a lot because his ex wont let him see his son and he loves kids so this make him sad. he is also christian. but something in him makes me and these other 2 kids my age see a father figure in him. maybe its the attention he gave us, is youthful spirit, idk. but all 4 of us stayed in contact, and him and i ended up getting really close. and now i call him a lot to talk and stuff.

anyways, finally to the point. yes i know there is nothing wrong with having a father figure, and im sure that it is perfectly natural being that i wasnt close to my dad. however, i have the feeling it is more then just having father figures. you see, whenever i have these "father-figures", i think about them a LOT. like when im in bed, when i wake up in the morning, a LOT. it takes up about 75% of my thoughts. to the point where i start to miss them and i cry if i go too long without seeing/talking to them. i guess i just make up stories mentally...like i'll remember when i was little and i fill in the father blank with my father-figure, or i think of unrealistic situations where my "father-figure" comes and rescues me, or that i get trapped in some concentration camp with my father-figure and spend every waking hour with them, or that they adopt me like a little kid does i crawl into bed with them after a nightmare, and just stuff i dont know is normal. my question here is...is this normal? to be thinking about my father figures THIS often? i KNOW its not a sexual thing. if anyone could come up with an explanation as to why im so obsesssed with father-figures, or is it even an obsession i need to worry about, or ANY comments/suggestions, please feel free to post.

thanks,
chipmunk