Avatar Posted by ncthsv09 127 days ago (Question)
I have recently gotten involved with a wonderful man who has one daughter that is 15. I have 3 children of my own. I have tried to teach my children respect and dicipline them the best I could and I feel I have done a pretty good job. I have friends that think the same. No my children are not perfect by no means but are not bad kids. They are typical teenagers who don't get into much trouble. However, my soon to be step daughter thinks the world revolves around her and daddy should stay single till she is out of the house. Now daddy has told her no not gonna happen. A situation occured and she decided she was going to go move in with her mother. Fine with me at this point the girl had stolen several thousands of dollars worth of jewelry from me (within a matter of a month) and disrespected me constantly every day. So we take her phone, which was on my plan, she leaves one night while screaming and cursing her dad. Telling him she wishes he would die and go to hell. Called him every name in the book.
Now so she is gone right... No.. she was texting me cursing me out threatening to kick my tail, texting my daughter doing the same and her father. We had some major situations with her planning to egg our house, break the windows and paint it while we were on a family vacation that she completely ruined. No she did not go it had been planned and she was till all this happened. We ended up going alone because we couldn't get a refund for a week in a condo. So now that we are closer to school time she is thinking she will be nice to daddy and daddy is jumping when she says jump. I haven't really said anything because it is his daughter but I know because I saw some texts that she is trying to butter him up to buy her school clothes. See now he is just paying child support and mommy is a trailer trash you know what with 5 other kids... What do I do. Do I tell or not? Stay out of it? I can not stand this girl. I never thought I could have such harsh feelings towards a child but I do. Help!!


Answers

Written by sspangen 127 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

Okay, I want you to pretend that you have been happily married to this guy for years. You think everything is going perfect, then boom, you find out he's having an affair

with another woman. You would feel betrayed, hurt, you would scream and yell at him, you would call him every name in the book. THIS IS HOW SHE'S FEELING. She feels hurt and betrayed because her father is getting remarried. She probably thinks something along the lines that she wasn't good enough for him. That's why she's doing this. Now, I don't know her personally, so honestly I could be totally wrong and she really is just a nasty kid. But she is definitely hurt and confused.

No matter what type of child she is, she does deserve punishment. And yes, you should get involved. If you are going to marry this man, you need to be a team. You need to be able to talk to him about who will soon be your shared child. Together, decide on a punishment, because she definitely does deserve one.

However, if she wants to ask her dad for money for school clothes, why can't she? If one of your 3 children threw a fit then asked you for something, you would give it to them, wouldn't you? Don't treat her differently then you would treat your children.

I want you to understand that I sympathize with you too. Having a new stepdaughter who hates your guts would be awful. But you need to try and work it out with her. Even go throuhg some cheesy-movie type thing and force her to go shopping with you or something. Just try and be her friend.

I hope I helped and wasn't too critical. Let us know how it goes!

Written by bellacutie 127 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

^^^^^

Very good post Sspangen.

I agree with the first post that this is a young woman needs some help and is in need of understanding - she's acting out because she feels hurt, confused and possibly threatened by you and your children. I also agree that you and your BF need to be on the same page where you want to find a solution to this problem - what you don't want to do is encourage him to back away from her. I think she needs to get into some family counselling so she can express her anger constructively.

I understand how this must be frustrating and it's hard not to be judgemental of her - but she's feeling threatened and this is why she's acting out. She needs firm but gentle guidance. Best of luck.

Written by ncthsv09 123 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thank you both and I agree that maybe she feels hurt in some way. I guess it is hard for me to understand because she had a step mom for 11 years and other siblings. She has 5 other ones at her moms who has been married 5 times. Maybe she it is so crazy and shes never felt special. I do know that my soon to be husband has only her as a child and has always done everything for her. Even went into debt to get her everything she wanted. Now that I am in the picture that will not happen. I do not agree with that at all and he and I have talked about it and he thinks that is where he really made a lot of the mistakes. Giving her everything she wanted. Example is we just got a pool put in and she text her dad with why didn't her get one last year when she wanted one. It is always all about her and what she wants. My answer is I have a great job and make awsome money, that doesn't mean I spend every penny on my kids and give them what they want. In fact my kids don't even get an allowance. You earn what you get and you have to work hard and appreciate what you have. Her on the other hand I want a pool daddy should have gotten one. Well daddy couldn't do it all by himself now we are a team. I did try the let me take you to dinner and she said for me to kiss her you know what she has nothing to say to me I am nothing to her. So then she told her dad last week to take her to dinner and he better be alone. She text my son and told him (they are the same age and have been in school together since pre k) that he better not bring that bi***. After that she text her dad and said she wanted to come over and let him meet her new BF this weekend, to cookout so they can come and eat. Of course he did and I just stayed outside and upstairs. I did not want to pretend we are best friends. I didn't even want her to come over but I can't do that to him it is not fair. So when she left she started in on her dad with he don't love her and he don't know her. It is always about her. So he told her that her actions have been unacceptable and the way that she treated the both of us will take time to get over. He explained to her that she was in the wrong and that behavior will not be tolerated any more and he should have seen it a long time ago. So then she text back with she is not going to be around me because I am hateful. Now I didn't say anything or do anything. I let them spend time together to talk and everything. My fiance and I talk about it and we are very open and honest. He does get upset when we talk about her because of all the issues and as I explained to him she can't walk in to our house after stealing from me, lieing to us both even lied after she left the house about texting my son, she swore she had not but my son tells me everything and I saw the text. But she can't walk in and think we are supposed to open our arms to her when she has not even apologized. When he asked her if she felt she needed to apologize she said no she did nothing wrong, she says what she wants when she is mad and still denies stealing from me of course. In my opinion if she still feels she did nothing wrong she has not changed, it will continue to be the same with her. Maybe I am wrong and you all can help me figure this out. I hate feeling the way I do about her and I never thought I would feel this way about a kid, but I took and took and the stealing was almost the last draw until we saw the text and myspace comments about what she was going to do to our house. I just don't know if I can tolerate to even be in the same room with her. I can't believe she left yesterday and started in about he don't love her and again just me me me... How do you forgive someone who will not see any wrong in their actions? I have talked to my fiance about her moods and how she reacts and wonder if she could be bi-polar. IDK, I am not up on all that. I asked to go to counseling and she will not says we are the ones who are wrong and she is not going to go theres no point.

Written by Clyde 122 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Very good posts. It is important that you talk to your husband and you both take a stand together with her. You also have to realize and respect your step-daughters feelings, because she probably is upset and hurt about what is going on.

Best,

Clyde

Written by ncthsv09 119 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks Clyde... I do have one other issue that just came up this week. I got a text from her aunt that she is staying the night with this 18 year old. Apparently her mother doesn't make her come home at all so she roams the streets all hours of the night and stays with him. I knew for a few days then I felt that I needed to tell my fiance. Of course he tried to call her mom and her phone was disconnected, so he called his daughter and asked her she got mad and of course lied and said no. Then she immediately text her aunt and asked if she told. At this point I told my fiance that maybe we should take her mom to court to get custody of her and help her get on a good path. He don't feel that it would be good because she doesn't want rules and she would just cause a lot of problems in the house and my children do not need to be around all that. I don't know, at 15 with these situations do you try to step in and risk some really bad things happening and have her around my children, or just say that was her decision and she knows better so if she chooses that life its her choice??


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