Avatar Posted by MacBook1137 325 days ago (Question)
I am 14 years old and am living with my mom. I have no siblings and years ago my dad died from cancer. I am writing this because I am at the breaking point with my mother. Everyday we get into fights. If she finds one small flaw in what I do, she will start screaming. In reaction, I say calm down or lately I have been saying you need anger management. The reason being is that she will say something and then if I say something else or a different answer she will explode. Next, I would say calm down or something and that would make things worse. She always calls me an ungrateful little bitch or something and today she said if your father was here, he was have beat your ass already. She always says how I am just like my father always disagreeing and stuff. I really can't stand it anymore. She tries to threaten me by saying that she is going to make an appointment with the guidance counselor and she thinks that threatening me with that will make me stop. It will not scare me because I like talking with my counselor. I just can't stand it anymore. Sometimes she evens pulls on my ear or shirt or hits me lightly. I just can't stand her and no matter what I do, nothing makes a difference. People say that after almost 6 years, she still is getting over my dad's death. She shops a lot on tv. My whole house is filled with junk that we don't even need. When she says you are so ungrateful for all that I buy for you...she thinks that buying me stuff is love. I want a mom that I can talk to instead of saying go away or move out of the way of the tv. I want a mom who is there for me. Out side of the house in public, she'll be so nice but at home...I am at the breaking point and I can't help it. Please help me. Thank you in advance.


Answers

Written by claudia 322 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

You are handling yourself very well in an extremely difficult situation. And you are also able to express yourself clearly in writing. So I must say you are coping very well for someone so young. Don't lose heart. We will think of something to help you.

It is much more difficult to express yourself to your mom who is not capable of listening to you and who I'm sure you love, it's just that her behaviour is causing you trouble. Here is something you can try: make a list of things you need from your mum (ie. You need her to listen to you, to trust and believe you, to not call you names and abuse you, to be there for you to talk to, not to fight every day). When you get your list of ideas together, the next step is to get together with her to talk. Tell her you want to sit down and talk to her, and that you need a time that is quiet and without interruption. Sit in the living room or the kitchen or your bedroom, wherever you feel most comfortable and safe, then calmly tell her what you are worried about and how you are feeling (refer to your list if you get nervous or forget what to say). Your mum might feel angry, but if you remain calm, she hopefully can remain calm too. Once you have said what you need to say to her, you have to let her have her say and listen to what she says, too, without arguing back. If this works, it will really help both of you. And even if you are not successful the first time, try and try again to make your feelings known (ie. Mom, when you say or do that, it makes me feel worthless, sad, angry, worried, very hurt). She needs to know how you feel when she does certain things.

Speak to your counsellor about it also. See what she can advise you. Talk to people you can trust and whose opinions you value to give you ideas on how to live with your mother in a more peaceful environment. You may need to make some compromises in order to make things more peaceful (such as doing things that you don't like to do - taking out the garbage, washing dishes without complaint, cleaning your room - but may help keep the peace). But if you can keep talking to your mother and tell her you love her and tell her you are sorry she is having a hard time, maybe she will be able to calm down a little. I wish you the best during this time. We are here for you.

Written by Clyde 318 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

She seems to think of you as an emotional and psychological attachment of the feelings she had for your dad.

You do seem to be coping with it well.

I would also sit down with her and discuss how she feels, and what you both can do to alleviate it.

She may be so used to treating you (and your dad) in a certain way that it is hard for her to change.

Best,

Clyde


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