I hurt for my teenage son. He is 17 years old and he will tell you "I know I'm not an average guy". For his entire academic and social life, my son has been troubled with bullies and lacking in true friends. My son has been diagnosed with high functioning Asperger's a few year ago with the most evident symptom being his lack of appropriate social skills. His lack of social skills easily has made him a target as other children see him as odd and annoying.
HE has always had to eat lunch alone and has often been made to move from a table by other kids. No one ever calls or asks him to come over. It breaks my heart for him. I've intervened on many specific occasions of "bullying" with the school's support, but these interventions have not nor ever could totally shelter my son from his lonliness. The cumulative result of all the years came to a head last Spring. With the stress of school (he does have an IEP) and the obvious daily battle of enduring another day of LONLINESS....he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He began to journal his feelings (very healthy I think); however he began having conversations about his feelings with "imaginary friends" in his journal. When asked by our physician, our son informs us that he knows they are imaginary. Over the summer, our son discovered the internet and "forums". ALthough his opinions often open him up for "cyber bullying", he has found some "friends" online. He began to want to dress in ALL BLACK clothes and refuses to wear anything else. He told us prior to the beginning of this school year, that "if they don't get me, they don't get me"! I guess this is a healthy attitude to have, but it breaks my heart. All his teachers say he is doing fantastic this year, but I can't tell you how sad I am for him. He said the other day that he feels like he has to hang around the "goths" despite disagreeing with them on some moral issues, because, "if I reject them, I'll have NO ONE". Bless his heart. He says he still has his imaginary friends and even draws pictures of them. His doctor tells me that he is just being creative...but it does concern me. I believe that he is SO LONELY that he has had to "create" his own circle of friends...even if they don't really exist. This grieves me so much! HOw can I help? I'm his mother and we are very close...thank goodness. HE is going away to a very small community college next fall........I pray he finds a least one other person that accepts him and does not judge him for being a little "different". He is a good boy! NEver gets in trouble at school!! Someone told me that college may be different for my son.....as the trival "high school" antics are not so easily accepted or tolerated....I PRAY this is true. HE has a strong Christain faith.......I'm so glad he has his faith. Please help us, help our son......to feel worthy, to feel an important part of this planet! HOw can I help prepare him for college! Guidance please!!

Mom to a LONELY boy!


Answers


MaryMoses
2140 days ago
I'm sure you're aware of "principalities and powers" that most are unaware of. You son sounds like a very sensitive person, like a walking antenna picking up thoughts and emotions of those around him. This would result in his feeling overwhelmed. He must remember that everyone carries contradictory thoughts~people think both good and bad thoughts of others. It's up to us to choose the good.

Your son also carries contradictory thoughts of himself, he must be told that he should choose the best thoughts of himself. What he sees in himself is what others are going to see in him. He should change his internal dialogue by reading books that encourages him to do so. There are many techniques to manipulate the mind into becoming a confident, faithful and happy human being. Through self-confidence comes the power to manifest all his intentions.



mamagreen
2140 days ago
Thank you for your words of encouragement. My son is very sensitive. DO you have any suggestions of some good reading material for him. He loves to read and I think he will be very open to reading a self-help book!! Thanks again!



drjean
2139 days ago
Hi! Realizing what we can change and what we can't is a good thing. Of course it must hurt to not feel accepted, and I hope he does find better situations at college.

Contact the college counselor. Find out what groups are available for membership for your son. Encourage him to check into those groups so he won't fall into an "outcast" group that might not have his best interests in mind.

Maybe set up counseling at the college for him, in advance. Having someone there who isn't mom or dad, but can advise him and help him stay on track is a good thing. Everyone needs someone who is knowledgeable, and those who go in with weak areas in communication need more assistance.

If you find he really struggles, then find a psychologist who will help him realize his own strengths, and build the resistance to belief of what others think on their own.

best wishes

drjean



Lenny
2139 days ago
Get him copy of The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck...

I think he will enjoy that little journey..it will spur questions and often when you feel stuck it is the questions you ask yourself that open doors,,not the answers..

I feel for you both..You sound like my Mom..

He is lucky to have you.

Always,

Lenny



ssotoliz
2139 days ago
You stated that you and your son embrace the Christian faith. All of my life I was raised in church, was a sunday school teacher, choir director, and organized sidewalk sunday school for the community where I lived.

My youngest son was thought to be mentally retarded at age 4 and was thoroughly tested by a clinical neuropsychologist who disagreed with the school, and diagnosed him with Attention Deficit Disorder.

My son picked up drawing in headstart and spent considerable amount of time in his new "hobby". He too, like your son, has always had an IEP, and I was tenacious about how his classwork would be organized, and how the teachers would adhere to the IEP. In high school, my son discovered that he really didn't have many friends and although he didn't seem to mind at first (he had alot of church friends), this was bothering him. Part of his disorder was the issue of his social skills, and the ability to just relax around people. What seemed to be the turning point was when his artwork started to get "noticed".

His hobby caused him to excel in art, and his artwork ended up in the "Hall of Senators" in Annapolis, MD.

Now, he is 21 and still lives at home. He struggles with the lack of social skills on one hand, but after (3) years of attending classes online at an art college, his vocabilary has certainly expanded, he is developing his critical thinking skills, and his ability to interact with others. Although he can certainly speak for himself, I have had to learn how to stand back and allow him to do so. See, I have been in his corner "fighting" for his acceptance for so long, it has become second-nature. But as time has gone by, I see that he can do that pretty good. What sets him about from those around him, is his artwork. He has learned to create movie clips, and has played playstation and other games for so long, that now, he has been working on his "pet project" for 2 years and hopes to see it go to production.

Getting back to your faith- while helping him to blossom on his own, ask God to bring people into his life that he will feel comfortable with. And if his current friends conflict with moral beliefs, he may choose to rethink the relationships later on. Does he have something that he seems to excel in a hobby? Perhaps there are other young people in your area that attend similar functions that he can get interested in. Out Neuropsychologist suggested that my son attend some art shows or museums and that the Sunday paper is loaded with weekend activity in DC. Perhaps there is something near you that he may want to go "check out"?



mamagreen
2138 days ago
WOW, I'm so wonderfully overwhelmed with the support I've found on this web site. Thank you ALL for the supportive words and GREAT ideas. I know that "all things work together for good, to those who love the Lord". God has a plan.

Thanks again,

me!



Clyde
2132 days ago
Hi there,

I am sorry to hear your son has low self-esteem.

It does say that "I can do all things through God..."

People do sometimes think thoughts of us that we do not want to hear. Your son needs to learn how to shift that stuff that is bad or not good for his self-esteem out of his system.

Trust in his God, his family and his friends. Do not worry about the rest.

Best,

Clyde



mamagreen
2126 days ago
Clyde:

Thanks for your words....that scripture is acutally displayed in my son's room. I'm leaning and trusting in God!

Thanks for your response and God Bless,

Mom to lonely boy



susz
2130 days ago
I understand your situation very well and my heart goes out to you and your boy. I also have a boy who is alone, no buddies. He has obsessive compulsive and Adhd but is so normal at the same time. He bright with many creative talents , mostly music and has the best sense of humor, he could be on Saturday night live. Halloween was the worst yesterday, he dreaded the day because he knew he would not be invited anywhere. He asked his childhood friends and they said, no and that just broke my heart to pieces. I was even angry that teens could be so thoughtless and careless but they can be. We had to drive somewhere to get my other child and when he saw all the kids his age laughing having a good time in large groups it really hurt him and I tried to make up for it , made his favorite dessert, etc. but I knew it wouldn't heal his hurt. He went through his whole young life being bullied and left out of everything. No birthday parties, no sweet 16s, no proms. I found all in all it was parents attitudes from childhood that affected how his friends treated him. I find some grown ups are more childish than their kids when it comes to differences. He is a great kid, smart, wise, happy, funny, so good to people. His music is out of this world and I know when he gets through his young adult years, he will be a better person for all he went through. I often pray he will survive it all to get to a place he feels he belongs. I bring him places where others don't really know him from home, concerts ect. and he has good interactions with people there and he even acts different because he is not expecting judgement from these people he just meets. They see him for his good qualities.

You are a special mom and keep up your good work because someday he will meet someone special where his good qualities will enhance his life. God must have a path for these kids and we have to trust that what they are going through is all for something good. I know for one thing, my boy does not drink, do drugs like the rest of his peers. He treats girls respectfully and thoughtfully. I try to look for the positive to help and I often tell him God must be steering him in a special direction and keeping him away from bad influences to head toward this direction.

when my family , friends complain how hard their kids have it when they're kids have a bad time at a party or what ever it may be, I always think they are so lucky because they don't have to be in pain all of the time watching their kids suffer terribly from lonliness. Sometimes I feel as though my heart is literally going to break and praying is the only thing that keeps it together.

I will say an extra prayer for you. He will be okay and so will my boy and someday they will look back and see how their suffering brought them more compassion for others and they will say, ah ha, this is what I had to go through in order to get to where I am now.

Hang in there and just keep smiling at your son. Try going somewhere sometime where no one knows him well , where there are other teens , it may give him back some self esteem.

Counseling is always a great idea too, I am thinking of going that route but want to find someone good, not someone that will make him even more nervous about things.



mamagreen
2126 days ago
SUSZ:

Thanks....your words were a comfort to me......You just feel like you are the ONLY one going through this. Let's keep it touch! How old is your son?....just curious because my son is a Senior this year and I'm "dreading" PROM time...ugh...this is so sad. My son said yesterday, "I haven't had a girlfriend since my Freshman year....am I cursed?" Poor baby!

Thanks again,

Another MOM of a lonely boy