Avatar Posted by blonde 1115 days ago (Question)
I come from a very big and close family. My Mom is one of 9 brothers and sisters.
They were very poor growing up and stayed in a very small house with less than the bare minimum-always looking after and looking out for each other. The six girls were born 1st and then the boys. My Grandfather drank a lot and my Grandmother spent most of her time gambling.
This led to a lot of incest happening in their lives.
The last time my mom was raped by her father she was pregnant with me.

In the last few years memories have started coming back to me as I have learned of what has been going on in my family. These are memories that i somehow blocked out for a long time.

I remember being molested by my grandfather-but i can't remember all the details. I was also molested by a nursery school teacher, and older child that came to the nursery school after school, an older cousin and by my mom's youngest brother, who lived with us for many years.

I have been on anti depressants for about five years now, and am struggling with my depression.
I am also a lesbian now.
I am involved with a woman who I can say will do anything for me.

Coming to terms with me being gay was very difficult for my parents-especially my mom. She even tried to kill us both when I told her.

when My Mom's youngest brother was 16 he came to live with us. My mom is 11 years older than him. He is 11 years older than me.
I don't remember all of the details but I was about 8,I know I was on a bed with him and he was kissing me and feeling my private parts, when my mom called my name out from the lounge. He quickly stopped and I went to my mom. She could see something was wrong-but when she asked me I said nothing!
That is the only memory I have of him doing anything to me. I didn't tell anyone about any of this until I was in my twenties.

When I told my mom she was in total denialabout my uncle ever doing anything. My uncle was quite wealthy at the time and helped us out financially. I just went on day by day as though nothing happened.

When I was 11 my uncle got married and had a child. They all lived with us. My uncle's wife passed away when their child was 3 and my mom became mother to her. My uncle moved out about a year later. She is twenty this year and is still living with us. She is a sister to me.

Last year she had a nervous breakdown of sorts and was hospitilized fr 3 weeks. During this time she also told us that her father molested her.
I had never before even discussed my situation with her so this was an even bigger surprise to my mom.
My Mom now putsthe things my "sister" told her down to her not being in her right state of mind.

My Mom approached my uncle about the both of us and he denies it. My problem now is that I have to keep seeing him. My entire family visits with him and pretends like nothing happened. I am expected to kiss and hug him hello and goodbye!

I have so many restless nights with nightmares of my past. I am terribly depressed and have keep having suicidal thoughts.
My girlfriend is furious about the situation and just totally ignores him when she sees him and this is causing family problems.
My uncle told one of my aunts to tell us that if she continues to do that he will hit her!

Am I wrong for not wanting to be around this man? What should I do?


Answers


Chemar
1115 days ago
so sorry to hear of all this

is your grandfather still alive? does you mother know that he also molested you? how sad that your uncle followed in this way too.

I am amazed your mother did not believe you and your cousin when she herself has been a victim of abuse.

you said your family all looks out for each other...well it doesnt sound that way to me if children are being sexually abused this way and no one is doing anything to protect them

you do not have to go anywhere near your uncle (or grandfather if he is still around) and I most definitely would not hug or kiss him. If your mother asks you why, remind her!

did she really try to kill you and your gf or was she just very angry?

as you are no longer a minor, honestly, you may be better off moving out of the family home and limiting your contact with the people that have done these things to you

I hope you will be ok
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bella
1114 days ago
I would also like to know if you still live at home? I agree you should make it clear, you don't want to have any contact with your uncle or anyone else who abused you - you absolutely don't have to hug/kiss him ever.

I think it's a shame your own mother doesn't believe you. I think your whole family needs to hear, that incest has been tolerated for years and the pattern has to stop. The only way to stop it, is by acknowledging the abusers and protecting future generations.

If your family isn't a psychologically safe place for you, this may mean limiting contact with them. I'm sorry you and others had to go through this, but don't let this stop you from enjoying life.
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blonde
1114 days ago
Well all 9 children were victims of rape and molestation from both of their parents. My Mom herself was pregnant several times from her father when she was a minor and was taken for abortions.

My Mom has very strict religious views and till today is not happy about me being gay. She has allowed my girl friend to move into our home with us, but I think only because I am also rather sickly & am medically boarded.

That is part of the reason that I still l,ive at home.

The day she fould out about my relationship she wanted to kill herself and me. She wanted to stab me with a scissors. She then took my cell phone and threw it against the wall. She took it away along with all my credit and banking cards and said that she would forbid any contact with the outside world. That I wouldn't be allowed out of the house to go anywhere... !

In time I eventually got her to meet my gf by pretending that I didn't know who she was.

It took time for my family to get to know her and eventually we broke the news to them. At this time my Mom was alot more calm about the situation.

I had to tell my gf about the things that happened to me because I can't sleep sometimes and get very emotional.

She refuses to greet him or even respond if he talks to her. She also gets extremely upset if he comes near me to kiss or hug me and we end up fighting because I don't know what to do when he approaches me and for the sake of peace within the family.

My Mom said that what happened with my uncle was once off and it is not as though the abuse continued. She also said that it could be because of the abuse that my uncle himself went through. She also says because my uncle didn't have full blown sex with me it is not so it is not so bad.

She still thinks that what my "sister" tells her is because of the breakdown that she had. A lot of what my sister was saying at the time didn't make sense.

My entire family have always looked up to my uncle and because he was wealthy it was though he was the "king of the castle."

I hate that my family still has anything to with him and that I have to see him when the family gets together. I know that I pretended that nothing happened in the past, but everything is out in the open now and it is even worse now that I know about my sister, and the fact that he denies everything.

When I spoke to my therapist he also said that I should just let slepping dogs lie. He said that why should I ruin the man's life now after so many years!

My Grandparents passed away many years ago so I don't have to worry about him.

Thank you for all your input thus far and I hope that what I have told you will put you a little more in the picture. Each time I right my mind is very scattered and I know there are details that are being left out but maybe as I go along everything will be more clear.

All your advice and comments are greatly appreciated.
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blonde
1114 days ago
Well all 9 children were victims of rape and molestation from both of their parents. My Mom herself was pregnant several times from her father when she was a minor and was taken for abortions.

My Mom has very strict religious views and till today is not happy about me being gay. She has allowed my girl friend to move into our home with us, but I think only because I am also rather sickly & am medically boarded.

That is part of the reason that I still l,ive at home.

The day she fould out about my relationship she wanted to kill herself and me. She wanted to stab me with a scissors. She then took my cell phone and threw it against the wall. She took it away along with all my credit and banking cards and said that she would forbid any contact with the outside world. That I wouldn't be allowed out of the house to go anywhere... !

In time I eventually got her to meet my gf by pretending that I didn't know who she was.

It took time for my family to get to know her and eventually we broke the news to them. At this time my Mom was alot more calm about the situation.

I had to tell my gf about the things that happened to me because I can't sleep sometimes and get very emotional.

She refuses to greet him or even respond if he talks to her. She also gets extremely upset if he comes near me to kiss or hug me and we end up fighting because I don't know what to do when he approaches me and for the sake of peace within the family.

My Mom said that what happened with my uncle was once off and it is not as though the abuse continued. She also said that it could be because of the abuse that my uncle himself went through. She also says because my uncle didn't have full blown sex with me it is not so it is not so bad.

She still thinks that what my "sister" tells her is because of the breakdown that she had. A lot of what my sister was saying at the time didn't make sense.

My entire family have always looked up to my uncle and because he was wealthy it was though he was the "king of the castle."

I hate that my family still has anything to with him and that I have to see him when the family gets together. I know that I pretended that nothing happened in the past, but everything is out in the open now and it is even worse now that I know about my sister, and the fact that he denies everything.

When I spoke to my therapist he also said that I should just let slepping dogs lie. He said that why should I ruin the man's life now after so many years!

My Grandparents passed away many years ago so I don't have to worry about him.

Thank you for all your input thus far and I hope that what I have told you will put you a little more in the picture. Each time I right my mind is very scattered and I know there are details that are being left out but maybe as I go along everything will be more clear.

All your advice and comments are greatly appreciated.
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bella
1114 days ago
Well your mom is right with one thing - your uncle was most likely abused himself. I don't agree, "just because he didn't have intercourse, it isn't significant". Everyone has their own reaction to abuse. My BIL tried to assault me when I was 13 but I pushed him and ran - even though he only got away with a kiss, it stills affected me and shook me up.

I agree there's no point in ruining his life, but I don't think you need to have contact if you're not comfortable. My only worry is - is he still abusing children? Does he have grand children or have access to young children or relatives children?

I also wonder does your mother need psychological help from her own sexual abuse. She also sounds like she has major anger problems. It's sounds like the whole family has suffered generations of sexual abuse and this could be why they accept him, despite of what he did. I can never understand it though - my God, if this were my girls he would never show his face again in my house.

Can you and your GF live on your own? It sounds like a toxic atmosphere.
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Chemar
1114 days ago
I wish your mom would maybe get her "strict religious views" in perspective. For her to react that way to your being gay, but try to make excuses for the history of sexual abuse in the family is rather hypocritical I think.

but I agree with Bella that both your mom and your uncle likely were emotionally damaged by their own abuse from your grandfather.

I realize you have medical limitations but that still does not mean you have to stay in this dysfunctional environment, unless there is no way you can support yourself to live away from the family home?

nomatter where you live, I still feel you have every right to refuse to have contact with your uncle. Abuse is abuse nomatter whether it happened once or many times and yes, I would be concerned that he is doing this to other children too! Why should his victim's lives be ruined because he is being protected this way? Your life is worth more than his money!

I do hope you find a way to start a new life!
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blonde
1113 days ago
My uncle was remarried about 5 years ago and now has another child, a little boy who is 4 years old.

I also have many younger cousins who are aged 5 and up. My youngest brother is only 10. My uncle but is with all of them regularly and they all look up to him!

I definitely agree on my mom needing therapy herself but it is something that she refuses to do.

I have asked her many times to go and see someone.

Do you have any suggestions about how you think I should treat my uncle if I see him? Should I greet him verbally or just totally ignore him?

How should I go about trying to get my mom to accept what I am feeling, and not fight when I don't want to hug my uncle?
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bella
1113 days ago
It's hard to advise you what and how to act because we don't know the exact family dynamics. I can only say how I would handle it. Personally I would tell your uncle - "due to your abuse I don't want to have contact with you". You would have to be comfortable and strong enough to take and maintain this stand though - of ignoring him. For your mother I would say - "I believe as your child, I'm more important than my uncle - it's unhealthy for me to hug and pretend everything's fine when it isn't, therefore I no longer want to feel forced to tolerate him."

Could you afford to live on your own? You don't want to feel dependent on dysfunctional family members because you'll always feel pressured to comply to their rules. Can you collect disability? Does your GF have a job? Your uncle shouldn't be alone with kids - all the adults of those kids should know about your uncle, to avoid this same pattern of abuse.
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lucierobyn
697 days ago
babe :( the same thing happened to me too with my uncle, my dad says he believes me but he still sees him all the time! i just can't understand. im sorry to say this but you have bad parents. im here if you want to talk :( x
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