Im confused and need advice on what to do.
Back in september me and my fiance were renting our own house but it only lasted a month, as soon as we moved in i found out she was flirt-texting a couple of guys, i asked her to stop because i didnt like it and didnt know why she was doing it when she was engaged to me and ended up arguing about it, anyway,
in the last full week of september she ended up hanging out with one of the guys which just so happened to be 1 of the guys in her circle of boys (guy friends) behind my back while i was at work and never tolds me about it, well during that week (Monday through to sunday) she ended up sleeping with this guy a total of three times (1st time was with protection, 2nd time was without and 3rd time was without protection too but they were drinking with the rest of the circle and my fiance and this guy ended up having sex the whole night over and over unprotected)
Around this time i was also having unprotected sex with her.
she fell pregnant around this time and did not tell me til a week later and told me about having unprotected sex with this guy another 2 weeks after that.
i have managed to forgive her and told her even if it is not mine i am still prepared to raise the baby as my own as the other potential father is already married and does not know he is the other potential father, and we are still set to be married BUT since i found out about the infidelity ive been wanting a paternity test to find out exactly if im the biological father or not.
She has kept changing her mind since i asked, 1st it was yes you can have one then it was no you cant then we ended up splitting for about 2 weeks (her choice not mine) then got back together and a week after that after she changed her mind again and said i could get a test done and we got re-engaged and now shes saying no she doesnt really want a test to be done at all even after ive re-assured her im not going to leave her if its not mine because my love for her is too strong and im still going to raise it as my own.

What should i do?? im set to be married to her in a month and im going to be by hers and babys side always but im not happy about not getting a DNA test done... All i want is closure on this situation and have answered to me the unanswered question that will secretly be hanging over eachothers heads until it is confirmed, AM I THE BIOLOGICAL FATHER?
She now argues the fact of the test with me, and i feel she just doesnt understand how i feel about it and how i just want closure on the whole thing and to be able to know for sure if its mine or not or else its just going to keep eating at the back of my mind about if the baby is really mine.
Please help, i need opinions from people who have been through this


Answers


bella
1636 days ago
Hi Milkweed,

I haven't been through this but I definitely have an opinion and a friend of ours had this happen. There's also a similar question 6 posts down from yours titled 'what to do...is there help' by 'determined'.

I completely agree you have the right to know if this is your baby - 100%. If she won't agree, then you can get a court ordered request to have the test done - it's a very simple test!! Don't let her make you feel this isn't necessary because it is. I think you're being incredibly admirable in your offer to be a father, even if the baby isn't yours. If it turns out this isn't your baby, it's fine if you want to be a father, but please - the real father has the right to know and so does the child when he/she is old enough to know.

I know this is all very over whelming and I feel for you. I also feel it's very unfair the way she has treated you. I'm a woman and I don't support what your fiance has done. I feel very mad for you - don't take offense but she has you 'by the balls'. Don't think you need to keep in this relationship to keep things nice, so you can find out if this baby is yours. You can find this out even if you're not with her. So the bottom line is - please think very carefully, whether this is the kind of woman you want to be married to. Right now you're emotionally vulnerable because you're an honorable man. You can find if this baby is yours with or without her cooperation. So tell her nicely that she can do this the easy or hard way - meaning she can voluntarily agree or you will file a court ordered request.

Let me tell you the story of a friend of the family. He was a small business owner and he had a GF. She became pregnant but cheated - he didn't know. He thought the child was his until 6 yrs later she told him the truth. He was devastated but already attached, so he agreed to legally support her because the woman threatened him, with never seeing the child. They ended up splitting but he still gave her support. He went on to become a dentist and married and had 2 children, all the while supporting the other child. Naturally since he was doing better financially, this awful woman went to court, to up the support - she won. Then he won the lottery (1 million dollars) and again she went to court to get more. This is still in the court system so I can't give you the ending, but you can see the horrible circumstances that can come out of a mess like this.

You're emotional and your intentions are very good, perhaps too good. Please think very carefully about marrying your fiance and know the law is on your side. I wonder if that guys wife knows what her husband did. Best of luck to you and keep us posted.



Milkweed
1636 days ago
Bella

I know it is unfair what she did and i know i have the right to know if im the father, but i also do not want this to get ugly with court battles and arguments etc as we had a talk and she admits she done wrong and knows what she wants and her priorities are now and is genuinely sorry that it happened and would take it back if she could hence why we are re-engaged and to be married, that and my love for her.

Yes i am emotionally vulnerable, to be frank, im on the verge of breaking down over the whole situation and what to do because if i dont get a test done or if it is not mine i will not be able to love the child like i think i could.

And as for the other guys wife knows what happened, yes she does and also forgives him as long as he knows where his priorities lie (with his wife and kids) but will also let her husband see the baby if it is his and if he wants to be part of its life. but my fiance has told him its not his as she knows i wont be able to handle it if he sticks around to be part of babys life as i will be reminded of what happened and eventually snap.

But i will take in your advice as i agree that its an easy test and theres nothing wrong with wanting to know. And what i dont want is to not get a test and not love it as much as i could then down the track find out it IS mine and all this time i havent been loving it like i would my own child



bella
1636 days ago
I agree with you, it's always best to solve things peacefully and get her cooperation willingly. I was only saying you have the right of getting a court ordered test if things were to turn sour. Please don't push this aside and do find out once the baby is born. If for some reason she were to have an amniocentesis procedure done for medical reasons - which she probably won't because I'm assuming she's young -- you could find out before the baby is born. For now get her to agree to having this done when the baby is born. This must be a horrible feeling and my heart goes out to you. You're obviously a wonderful person and I hope everything works out for all of you.



series0
1636 days ago
Milkweed,

I agree with bella on this and thought I'd say a few words as well.

I am very concerned about you getting into a relationship with this woman. Her actions clearly indicate that she does not treat you with the respect and love that you deserve. Further, if I read you right, she is considering not telling the other man who might be a father.

Please realize that there is a profound reason why you want in your heart to know if its your child. Men are wired to spread their seed and not to raise another man's children. This wiring will constantly tempt you to behave irrationally and negatively towards the child if you discover it is not yours. Even if there is doubt it could cause a wedge between you and your own real child because you dont know.

Also keep in mind that even if you and your woman patch things up and live a great life together, at any time the other man could discover the issue and demand to know even if he now knows and agrees. Suddenly, you have raised another man's child and that man can legally step into the picture, come over to your house, and work a wedge between you and the child you raised/love. His intentions do not have to be honorable. And you have to accept it. It's a horrible path to walk down.

I am not saying that men cannot raise other men's children. It's by far best when the altruistic man already has other children of their own genetics. This settling factor allows perspective. Your pattern is repeated and you can more easily view the situation as a 3rd party.

I certianly do not know the whole story here but to me I would say emphatically, you are being used.

You don't even know if the other guy and your woman didn't cook this up together. I mean she marries you, the bio father keeps his illigitimate child out of his own house for raising, you pay for that raising, and then your woman divorces you, takes half your money and perhaps the child or the child moves to its bio father for support during the divorce, etc etc. It's a nightmare.

If our courts were in any way fair to men Id recommend you make everyone sign prenuptual agreements that you are the child's only legal parent. But courts do not deliver justice as I can tell you from personal experience. They favor the female, even a lying cheating woman like ... well ... like yours.

If she truly loved you and was a respectful person she would absolutely be asking you and everyone to get the test, make everything clear and understood, etc. The fact that she is asking you not to is a huge red flag.

If you truly love her then you are accepting all of these enormous risks. I foretell that a relationship founded this way is headed for rocky roads. I suggest again strongly that you demand the test and review your relationship with this woman strongly. Do not be so easy to fool and so easily disrespected. Do not marry her unless you truly feel loved and respected by her. Resolve within yourself to support your child if its lineage is proven to you no matter what else happens. I think in most states she cannot leave the state with your child if you maintain your parental rights. If I were you due to her irresponsible actions I would seek single custody although you are unlikely to get it if she wants joint custody.

I really feel for you and I hope you do some serious soulsearching on these matters before you take any action. Remember that this child's future is on the line here as well as everyone's happiness. Please do not think that by sacrificing your happiness and/or your womans that the child will be helped. The more fulfilled and happpy a family even if single parenting, the better off the child will be.

Regardless,

Good Luck!



Milkweed
1635 days ago
Series

I am glad how you talk about that subject at hand and not about me getting married to my fiance.

the marriage thing isnt an issue as i believe from things ive heard from her and the things she does for me she DOES truly love me and has a reasonably high level of respect, the only thing i notice with her is that she is very stubborn and only sees things from her point of view and also always wants everything to go her way, she was a spoilt brat growing up, need i say more?? haha.

So the whole marriage thing isnt an issue, but, i see that some points of the relationship need to be raised as they could play a part in this whole baby situation.

All i am really asking here from people is opinions on if asking for a paternity test and being adament about it is right and necessary or if i am asking for too much and it isnt really important

in my eyes i think it is important to know for as i stated somewhere above, i fear that i will not love the child as much as i could and when it comes into this world i wont feel any love for it at all because of the controversy surrounding it (if i dont get a test done) and then years down the track, find out it is mine and all those years i would have neglected it and not have given it the love i would give it if i had known it WAS mine from the beginning.

And the same goes for if i got a test done and results came back as it wasnt mine, i fear i wont be able 2 raise it properly as the love for it wont be there and i wont care for it as much i would my own child, as to be honest, if it isnt mine this baby is just a "lust baby" if you will call it that, meaning it is just a mistake and is the outcome of a meaningless night of "fun". her parents know the situation and have offered a second option of adopting the baby themselves if i feel as if this is not my baby and feel as if i cannot raise it and me and my fiance can go and make another baby which i KNOW will be mine, which is great to have a back up plan but it will still be close to the immediate family and i will still be reminded of the controversy and also my fiance has complained about this pregnancy many time now stating she doesnt want to have any more kids any time soon cos she is sick of the pain and suffering of carrying as this preganancy hasnt been very easy on her but says in regards to the back up plan, that if i decide i dont want this baby that we can let her parents adopt this one go and make another baby that will be mine if that will make me happy.

But not only that, if we dont get a test done and i go for the back up plan and it really is mine, then ive just given up my own baby to someone else cos at the time i felt as if it wasnt mine, you cant always rely on gut feelings and assume things, assuming gets you nowhere, ive learnt that the hard way.



bella
1635 days ago
Hi Milkweed,

thanks for explaining everything. Bottom line your request to know whether this is your baby is 100% valid and necessary. If you choose to still marry your fiance, that's your business as long as you realize the possibilities. One thing I wanted to comment on is - you mention possibly giving this baby to her parents - that would be okay if you and your fiance couldn't afford or provide a good home - but not because it turns out, it's not yours. This is still your fiance's baby, part of her and you might not realize the incredible, strong bond between a mother and her child. It's possible to love a child that's not yours - many people do this. You posted because you wanted to know if it was reasonable to be firm about a DNA test - yes it is. So go with that, but you do need to be prepared for both outcomes and don't expect her to give the baby to her parents if it's not yours - that's not reasonable. I hope everything works out for all concerned.



Milkweed
1635 days ago
ok. and i dont expect her to give it up, she was the one that told be about letting her parents adopt it, her and her parents discussed this option before i even knew about it.

ok now im going to debate a little, just because i know my fiance will debate me about it.

can you tell me some reasons why it is valid and necessary?



Milkweed
1635 days ago
ok. and i dont expect her to give it up, she was the one that told be about letting her parents adopt it, her and her parents discussed this option before i even knew about it.

ok now im going to debate a little, just because i know my fiance will debate me about it.

Can you tell me some reasons why it is valid and necessary?



bella
1635 days ago
It's valid and necessary because :

1. You would always wonder all your life if this is your chid - when you look at this child's face you would be looking for similarities and debating within yourself, "is this my child?"

2. The real father should contribute financially in raising the child.

3. The child has the right to know who is his/her father at the appropriate time - imagine how you would feel if this was you - wouldn't you want to know who's your father?

4. Genetically it's important - the child has the right to know his/her medical history - genetic diseases. What if the child needed a bone marrow transplant one day.

I wonder why your fiance would consider letting her parents raise her baby, aside from the normal reasons - financial and incapable of raising a baby. This worries me a little.



pbr
1149 days ago
Did anyone ever think maybe NEITHER of these two men are the father? That's what I'm thinking as an outsider when reading this. I wonder what the outcome was in the end? Was the child his? did he marry her? if so, how are they all getting along? I hope it had a fairy tale ending and they are one big happy family, because it's always the children who end up suffering.