I am the mother of 3 children.Ages 15,14 and 6.About 5 months ago my 15 y/o asked if he could move in @ my parents house.They live 3 blocks away and the fighting between him and his brother was out of control.I said yes,knowing that before long he would be calling me to pick him up.That day never came.He says that he cant live with his brother(diagnosed with A.D.D,epilepsy,depression,and conduct disorder)It is very trying to have to live with a child that is so emotionally impaired.I have explained this to my 15 y/o that we cant just give him away,and his answer to that is to leave the home.About a year ago I was missing a 100 dollar bill,I accused my older son,screamed @ him,and broke a piece off of his computer.Then 2 months ago the 2 got into a fight and my younger son was crying like he wasnt going to live,he told me that his brother punched him and threw him into our new t.v and broke it.I immediately accused my older son of doing this,and told him I was keeping his t.v since he broke mine.I found out the next day that while my older son did punch his brother he did not brake the t.v,my younger son admitted that he was so angry that he got punched that he threw something at the t.v and thats how it broke.Looking back now I can see how I must have hurt him when he was right all along and I am overcome with guilt.The counselor today said not to force him to come back home because it will make things worse.And while I agree,if I wait for my son to want to move back in,he will be an adult.His 16th birthday is coming up and while I feel heartbroken and unloved by him I want him back in my life.Is there anything else that I can do at this point or does it seem as though its to little to late.I would appreciate any advice,as I am writing this I feel as I have lost my son forever.


Answers


Edahn
1695 days ago
I don't think you've lost him forever. It sounds like the situation in the home was just too chaotic for him and he made a mature decision. It's good that he's living with family rather than on the streets, and close by.

I think your goal from now shouldn't necessarily be to get him back in the home. Your goal should be to heal your relationship with him AND to make the house a little more calm and peaceful.

Here're a few ideas:

1. Visit him at least once a week. You don't have to do anything special with him. Just check up on him, see how school's going, and maybe take him out.

2. Make amends with your son. Apologize for getting upset with him before and blaming him for breaking the TV. You don't have to send the message that breaking the TV was acceptable. You could instead say that you'll try to be more understanding of his situation and listen to him before blaming him and reacting with upsetness. You can also apologize for breaking his computer out of anger. That kind of stuff has a strong affect on a kid and to be frank, I wonder if the child with conduct disorder has been imitating some of your behavior.

3. Take control your anger. You can buy a book if you want, but my advice would be to try and be understanding and be rational and practical instead of angry. This doesn't just apply to interacting with your oldest son, but also your other sons. Even your friends and parents. By acting calmly, your kids will learn to react calmly and will get along better. That'll make the home a little safer and more inviting for everyone. Your home should be a sanctuary where people feel safe and things are predictable even when there are problems. Try and treat it that way.

4. Find a mentor for the kids. I take it the father is not in the picture for these kids. I think they need a strong male figure to help show them how to cooperate with each other and enjoy each other's company. A psychologist is one possibility, but a family member or mentor would be better. There are some organizations that can put you in touch with a mentor who will visit the house for free. You can check with a social worker about that. In the meantime, you'll have to continue playing that role (it seems) which is okay.

Best of luck and keep hope. I can definitely picture a good resolution to this issue even if your son doesn't move back home. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that he won't be close to you when he's older.

Edahn



series0
1695 days ago
Great answers! Addressed my every point! I concur!



bella
1695 days ago
I agree great answer Edahn!!



RTS
1695 days ago
Excellent answer!