Avatar Posted by dufju 1613 days ago (Question)
My daughter was always a Mommy's girl. Even when we fought we always made it up. I began to let go of her, even letting her make all her choices in her last year of high school so that she would have a safe place to fall if she made a mistake, before she got out into the real world. Then she got a steady boyfriend and gradually she has pulled completely away from me (not his fault). When her boyfriends's Mom got in touch with me, my daughter went ballistic, said I was ruining her life, said that I meant nothing to her, said I was a bitch. She said I am too "dramatic." She wants me out of her life completely. She said that I've always backstabbed my friends (not even remotely true). This came out of nowhere. I don't know what I've done. It hurts like nothing else has.


Answers


drjean
1612 days ago
Dufiu, it sounds like your coddling your daughter delayed her maturity and she's just now going through what many teens go through earlier in their lives.

Give her space. You raised her, she followed you, she knows where you stand, and that you love her. If you don't push it now, then when she finds herself in a situation where she needs you, she'll be more likely to seek your help.

You might also seek counseling for yourself. You're having a trying time with the changes and that's natural also. If she was your only child, then you may need assistance in finding a new avenue for your greatness. ;)

Take care

drjean
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username
864 days ago
drjean, you are a lovely person for your advise to this woman. I am recently going through a lot of the stuff she is, and I find great comfort in your words. In fact, many of those thought are what I would have told her myself, so I guess it is just a matter of practicing what I preach. I, too, need to find a new avenue for my 'greatness'.
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Edahn
1611 days ago
Why would she say that YOU are ruining her life if the mom contacted YOU? I don't get it.
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Clyde
1610 days ago
I too think you need to give her some space. I also would think about counseling for yourself too.

Best,

Clyde
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lifo
1610 days ago
I went through a similar problem when my daughter was that age. She was angry at me most of the time, and we couldn't talk about it. She moved out on her 18th birthday. Since i had no control over her anymore, i simply let go. Had no choice, really, but still it was a very difficult and sad thing to do. I think part of her anger was really a lack of self-confidence. She needed to make her own decisions and see the results for herself. She made some bad mistakes while on her own, there was some drinking and drug use going on. I was crushed to see her stumble and fall.

But over time, things have improved 1000%. She eventually called me, just to say hi. We gradually started to converse again. Now she's 22 and things are SO much better! She's about to graduate from college and plans to go to graduate school. I can't begin to tell you how sweet it is just to spend time with her again, shopping or cooking or hiking or whatever. She chatters her head off about all the details of her life - I can hardly keep up with it all! The critical difference is, i believe, that i let go and waited for her to come back when she was ready. Then it wasn't so much like a hovering parent saying "WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME??", but more like a free bird landing next to me of her own free will. And that is a beautiful thing. Makes me cry just thinking about it.

I wish you the strength to endure this difficult time. Find patience and peace within yourself. Take comfort with the knowledge that all the good times you had together are still in her head too - she'll remember them before long.

warmest wishes,

lifo
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spritizzle
1012 days ago
I am a 17 year old girl, currently living with my father right now because I have had problems with my mother too. I am what you would call a "Daddy's girl" but that doesn't mean that I never loved my mother. Oh, on the contrary I loved her more than you could possibly imagine. They had two separations when I was at the ages of 8 and 9. The divorce was final around ages 10-11. After awhile my mother would always try and get "the inside dirt" on what my father says, does, and basically thinks! It wasn't because she still loved him! She cheated on him with her now husband! She was just acting like the stereotypical high school teenage girl! Drama drama drama. I thought it was very immature of her and to be honest I was miserable because when I couldn't tell my dad anything in the times of need

Drama

School Work

Boyfriends

I could not tell her anything, how would she be able to satisfy my mental needs when she mentally wasn't there? I know that sounds so mean and wrong but this is how we teenagers think... well... most of us. To make that statement simple "They just don't understand!!". I left her, thinking the grass was greener on the other side. I started living with my father who makes 93,000 dollars a year so my financial needs were taken care of (college, school clothes, socks and underwear that my mother couldn't even buy me), and I could tell my dad everything when our relationship was built. Now I was never allowed a job, my schooling was more important than making money, I respect that but I would love to get a job because...

I want to be independent.

My dad is a heavy drinker (not a bad guy, he's not like those dead beat dad's please believe me on that) he made a bad mistake by driving under the influence... before that he used to come home drunk as a skunk and wake me up at like 11:00 pm (I go to bed at 9, and wake up at 5-6) back then I haven't been able to sleep. He worked from home, I saw him all the time as opposed to seeing him every other week. I can truly say I hate him. He be-little's me. Makes me feel insufficient. He used to tell me I made him proud when I would get A's and B's in all my classes never a C. He now says "You can do better than that" I'm a senior now and it still takes a tole on me. I have a steady boyfriend, we have the same university in mind BEFORE we got together, we have the same Major in mind BEFORE we got together, he is my best friend and he right now is the only person I can tell anything to. My dad misses me I'm sure, but the way he treats me I could care less. I am always the one picking up and after awhile it get's annoying and this is why I do not want kids (lol). All you mothers and fathers out there. KUDOS TO YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!

Now what I'm trying to say (I didn't mean to write my whole life story in here),

If my boyfriend's mother called my father, I would think that my father asked my boyfriend's mother for "updates" on what we do (if my dad was like that) he completely trusts me though, never illegally drank alcohol or never did illegal drugs. Does she believe that you are trying to keep in taps on her life, what she does, when, and how she does it all? If so, that could be a reason why she is rebellious.

I agree with the rest of these answers, she will gradually come back. I believed I absolutely hated my mother for the way she treated me, oh she made me feel like dirt... she was just not mentally there, so she didn't know how to handle me or how to scold me. She would literally scream at the top of her lungs "I HATE YOU" if I challenged her to a duel (arguments lol.) I left and my mother was furious having her side of the family call me and tell me how much of a bad kid I was, always hollering at her, not always, not even most of the time, just some but that's typical, isn't it?

I came back.. I went to her wedding to walk her down the isle. I cried, it hurt but I did it because I loved her. Your daughter will come back it may not seem like it now but she will. Let her go, just not too far, because no one wants to see their child fall as hard as most of these kids have.

See you know whats funny, my dad just walked in right now (he never ever ever ever does this) and bought me a crossantwich from Dunkin Donuts with a medium coffee. I love him but I hate him, he does care I know he does, but he's a real jerk sometimes lol.

We're teenagers. You were a teenager once too. (: Good luck! and sorry for like typing my whole life story, I thought maybe it would help you understand the mind of a 17 year old. :P
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username
864 days ago
Thanks for the inside scoop, Spritzle!
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kmalenfant12
431 days ago
I know you posted this dilemma a long time ago, but I'm wondering how it all turned out with your daughter. I'm kind of in the same situation at the moment.

Thanks
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