Avatar Posted by margiepeace08 22 days ago (Question)
Hello, this is a long question but I really appreciate any responses. To sum it up, my parents, my mom in particular, will not allow me to choose the college I want to go to (I am a senior in high school). Just a few days ago, I received a huge shock when my mom declared she would only allow me to apply and go to the University of Delaware. (I live in Delaware). This is a shock because we have traveled and looked at many of the other colleges on my list and my mom has seemed completely OK with all of them (finances included). To me her reasons are unclear but it has to do with the fact that I have missed two days of school due to my being irresponsible in general (not actually being sick), which I admit is a problem which I sincerely want to (and will) change (i.e. I don't plan to miss any more school). Anyway, I think she feels that I am not responsible enough to go to a college far away from home. I think this has to do with me being dependent on her for waking me up, and the fact that that led to me missing school those two days. Though, I have a feeling that the underlying reason for this is fear--she fears for my well-being in college. Though, I am fully confident in my ability to be self-sufficient in college. I also plan to go to bed early from now on so my body clock will wake me up at 6:30 even without an alarm (which I have but it sometimes doesn't work--I will use a different one also as a precaution) or my mom.

My mom says that she would consider changing her mind if she saw a change in my sleep schedule after four months. I'd apparently have to go to the University of Delaware first and then transfer if "my behavior changed", which I do not want to do (By the way the University of Delaware is not on my list).

I feel like my mom doesn't even recognize the dramatic change in my grades from freshman year to now! I was so intent on getting all As this quarter (which I have) that I overworked myself and missed two days of school, which I admit is unbalanced and unhealthy, but anyway, there have been positive changes, not only mistakes. I have also made great changes already in my sleep schedule over the past two weeks but apparently only four months would be enough? Is it only me or does this sound unreasonable?

Honestly, it is quite surprising to me that my mom would do this (we usually have a pretty good relationship) and I am not entirely sure why, because she is so far unwilling to talk to me about it. When I try to talk to my mom she says that I am "torturing her" (all I am doing is bring up, "what is going on?"!)

By the way, I have never been a problem child (never stayed out late, did drugs, alcohol, etc., have generally good grades and currently have strait As)

I have always valued my right to choose and even make mistakes, so I cannot accept this, and I do not plan to be under the control of my parents anymore (I am 18 after all). So if you can advise/help me in any way at all it would be much appreciated (although I guess I don't have a specific question).

I thank you very much for taking the time to read this long question.

Margie



Answers

Written by twentytroubles 22 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Your parents can't "force" you to go to a particular college... IF you pay for it all yourself.

Is UofD that bad? I would try to be open-minded, and consider what college is the best fit for you (emotionally, academically, financially, socially)... and not let your parent's or even your own predispositions about a school affect your choice. Maybe UofD would be a good school for you to start at. Sometimes our parents, or those around us, know us better than we know ourselves. And, sometimes they don't.

Maybe your mom wants to "declare" where you can go (knowing it won't work) because she's not ready to cut the kiddie cords yet and let you be on your own. Or, maybe she actually has more insight into your situation than you see. Or, maybe it's based on her own experiences or finances.

Out-of-state colleges aren't all they're cracked up to be, nor are private schools. It's best to find the best fit (emotionally, financially, socially, academically), regardless of the location, prestige, reputation, etc. of the school. Honestly evaluate which schools you are interested in and why-- they look at the schools you're not interested in (with an open mind) and ask yourself honestly why you're not interested. Do you want to get out of the state? Do you want to 'prove' something with success? Neither of these things are a good reason to choose a school. I went to a top school, admittedly with these issues being some of the reasons I chose that school. And, I was completely miserable. "Impressive," but miserable. I would have been far happier at a cheaper/closer state school, or a smaller private school that better fit my personality and needs. That's not to say I didn't have some cool experiences at my schools, but you can easily loose yourself in the process.

Think carefully, and honestly about all colleges. Don't rule any out based on status, prestige, location, or the people around you. Think honestly about the costs associated with that school (tuition, transit to/from, social life costs, costs of living, etc.) and whether or not it's easily affordable or worth it. Then, think some more. Step back from the situation and don't let your pre-judgements about any school lure you to or from it. Good luck.

Written by margiepeace08 21 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Well, I don't have the kind of money to pay for college myself...

By the way, I'm more concerned about my mom's controlling attitude than the U of D. There IS a college I am really passionate about going to, though. (I am also open-minded to change; it's not the end of the world if I don't go there)

Margie (original poster)

Written by Clyde 20 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

You could possibly get grants (pell) or loans. Seems to me (sorry to say it this way) that if you didnt know that by now, you really havent been studying too much about college.

We can see the whole thing about you worrying about your Mom's attitude, but is she going to be the one paying for it? If she was (and is), at least until you do, or can get her to change, I pretty much would say you are stuck until you can figure a way out of there.

Who knows, you may like it after all?

Best,

Clyde

Written by margiepeace08 20 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I know about loans, but they are a last resort, I'd much rather resolve the relationship with my parents. I more wanted advice on what is causing their fears and how to resolve/assure them.

Anyway, I, happily, have an update. I talked to my Dad (in the way that I had been wanting to talk to my Mom, but she wasn't willing to listen), and he listened to me, and talked to my mom. It turns out, now, I will at least be able to apply to other schools. So it's a start, but I would still like to know why my mom became so paranoid about this in the first place. I don't think I can truly solve a problem with out knowing what caused it.

I thought the answers I got from this board were rather judgmental, but I guess it's understandable, as you don't really know who I am.

In reality, I am a very responsible person, who immediately took action and adjusted her sleep schedule with numerous precautions (which have worked), and contracted numerous friends, family members, and my school counselor about this problem. Thus, do you see why I do not think my mom's reasons make sense, and why I am confident I will not need "checking up on"?

Margie


Log in to answer or register here.