Avatar Posted by dawnbb 506 days ago (Question)
I am 61, my 2nd husband 60. We both have adult children, mine love him, (33yo married 2 kids) his hates me.

Since our marriage 4/2009 his daughter has been trying to cause trouble in our marriage and is pretty successful, as I am ready to let it go.

Shortly after the marriage she called her dad with one of her many tantrums to come. Crying and screaming that he doesn't come to see her and her kids. We are 1 1/2 hrs away from her. First of all, she wants him to come without me which he feels unfair as they are now my family too. (this is only the beginning of the jealousy) Keep in mind, before me he was alone and lived there with them so he was there every day. She even screamed at me saying I control her dad, what kind of woman comes between her dad and his daughter............many accusatory things.

Since then she calls with tantrums regulary. Her dad forgot to call her on her bd so she called her mommy crying, mommy called dad and told him off. Im sorry but his daughter is 33 yo, she acts like a little child. So he forgot, we all do. But is was a tragedy to her.

The next time he had his granddaughters bd wrong he thought is was one day and it was another, so again he did miss it. However, she told everyone she invited him to her bd party, which she never did. Again, another tantrum. Of course, it was my fault again. Screamed and yelled at him again and texted both of us relentlessly. To me she said, "what kind of woman are you that would come between a daugh and her dad" "you are jealous of me and my kids" "once you are gone he will be back to me and then it will be too late" all kinds of mean things. That was when I got on the phone, told her off and never spoke to her since (8/2009) I don't talk to her or see her at all and I am glad. The text to him- "are dead to me". "you are a puppet and she controls you"........and on an on. Relentless! Of course she got what she wanted, me out of the picture and he would go see the kids alone.

But she continues to cause trouble. This past time it was NYE 2011 at 12:20 am. She called him said happy NY and started again, of course, with a few drinks in her. Accused me of blocking her cell phone so she couldn't reach her dad the week before. Totally untrue of course, but she continued her tantrum for 20 minutes, then he told her he was hanging up and did. She then called my cell 2 times, then the house phone, then when that didn't work she text me "I love my dad more than you know how dare you take that away from me" " U fkn Btch, you may have him now, but the fact is he will always be mine" In all this she acts like he is an ex lover, boyfriend, husband, etc. not a father. There is something very wrong with that picture.

She is a 2 yo in the body of a 33 yo woman. She acts like she is sill a child and still daddy's little baby. Any cards she gives to him always had little girls on the front, with messages like, you will always be the only man in my life, I'm you little princess.

This situation is not about him seeing the gr children at all, it is about her and only her.

I am dealing with a child here not an adult married woman. I have taken her daddy from her. She is out of control and I am worried about my relationship with my husband. He needs to for once and for all give her an ultimatum. Either she calls and doesn't bring up me or he won't talk to her or see her ever again. Take it or leave it. Then he needs to let her know he has no intention of leaving the marriage.

I can't take any more. Please give me your thoughts. I think she is in desperate need of professional help.


Answers


Chemar
505 days ago
IMO, where I do feel for your situation,

you married him "for better or for worse"....and the worse seems to be his daughter's attitude.

I do not think you should give him ultimatums of you or her. He is a grandfather and she IS his daughter, nomatter what.

Yes, he should man up and lay down some rules, but I also think you should back off a bit and let him handle her tantrums, rather than take them so personally. She has likely been this way a lot longer than since you entered his life. Let him deal with her, and if he wont, that is his problem. You do not have to like her, or even spend any time in her company. But throwing away your marriage, or giving him ultimatums to cut her (and hence his grandchildren) out of his life is not the way to go.

JMHO
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bella
505 days ago
I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation. How long has your husband been divorced from his daughters mom? I agree your husbands daughter has issues and attachment problems. The main problem is, from the beginning your husband wasn't assertive with his daughter. He should have set her straight, this is his life and his forgetfulness isn't your fault. He also should have told her not to discuss problems with you personally through phone, texts etc and there's a line she shouldn't cross.

I agree ultimatums won't work because your husbands in the middle, so this won't improve your marriage. If you have access to a family counselor, it would be good if you all could settle this or you can all agree to a clean slate. She needs to understand, her dad is his own man and he's free to be with you. If he misses a birthday, she needs to address him. If he has a modern phone, he can program a reminder of birthdays to notify him in advance of upcoming occasions. The contact between you and his daughter should be civil and respectful. If she bad mouths you to him, he needs to stop her and warn her this isn't appropriate. I hope this new year will be one of understanding for all involved.
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Jsf58
503 days ago
I really think that she is most likely used to controlling and or manipulating her father, she feels as if she has lost her control over him. Don't give ultimatums because that would be putting him in the middle worse than he already is, and he will have a hard time trying to choose between his wife or his adult daughter which is ridiculous. She sounds like she is a very selfish and spoiled woman who has no care about her fathers happiness. The fact that he goes there to visit alone shows that she has already started to run this show of hers, as much as he may love her the only way to stop this madness is to live his own life by his own rules with his wife. If she does not allow him to come without you then he should stay home, he should demand respect for himself and his wife. Believe me this spoiled woman will eventually back down if she understands that her father is married and happy and intends to stay that way with or without her approval!
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dawnbb
364 days ago
Well after NYE he has not heard a word from her. I hate to say it, but it is almost a blessing not to hear from her. He even agrees. He still says the buck stops here and the next time she calls he is going to let her know that if she can't be civil not to call at all. It is a shame he can't see his 2 grandchildren, but he says one they get older they are going to know why he didn't see them. I agree.

I think in her mind she believes daddy will give in, but he isn't going to and had said it. So she is in for a rude awakening if she thinks she has any more control over him. I think he is really fed up with the way she has acted and is through with taking crap from her anymore. I believe he see who she really turned out to be. Sad!
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