Avatar Posted by Meaghan009 121 days ago (Question)
Help. I know there are alot of mother-daughter questions, but I seriously need help. I love my mother more than anything in this world, however I hate her just as much if not more sometimes. I am 17 years old, since I was 13 she has not worked. She does nothing except sit in front of the television all day. She smokes in the house, never minding that my father and I hate it, and when we talk about second hand smoke she laughs. She has threatened to kill me (seriously) and charged, if i hadn't run away, well I don't know where I would be. And now, since I have my drivers license when I want to leave she gets angry at me! She wants me to stay with her rather than go out an have a life. She is the most selfish woman I have ever met. I don't know what to do. I cant talk back to her because she'll kick me out of the house, or not let me see my friends. And when I talk to my father about her, he says I need to respect her because shes my mother. What happened to the phrase "respect is earned not given." I don't know what to do, Please please please help me.


Answers

Written by bellacutie 121 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Firstly you should know we're not doctors or therapists, just people who volunteer their wisdom and opinions. I honestly feel your frustration and there's a fine line between love and hate sometimes.

I remember as a child my mother/brother would both smoke and I would watch the sun stream through the window and see the smoke swirl around. But this was long before experts knew about the damaging effects of second hand smoke. I live in Canada and there are very strict laws about smoking - no smoking in restaurants/bars or public facilties and there's alot of public education about second hand smoke and children. Your mom should be smoking outside or quit smoking. People can develope cancer from second hand smoke. I never let my kids be around someone who smokes - smokers visiting my house know you go outside if want to light up.

It sounds like your mom has the upper hand in the marriage and your dad follows along. Part of the problem is your father and how he tolerates his wifes behavior. He needs to learn how to be assertive with her. He needs to participate in making decisions regarding you.

I think your mom must have psychlogical issues and should look for ways in dealing with her anger. Threatening to kill you IS emotional abuse and if she does it again you should call the police. Does your father know she threatened to kill you?

It's common at your age for problems to arise even in the best relationships due to the struggle for independance by the young adult. I think you need to talk to your father and ask his assistance in dealing with her. Tell him that it's normal for you to want to go places and she's too controlling. How long has she been like this? Maybe she's going through menopause. I wish I could help you more - I don't know if your mom would be willing to seek counselling? Best of luck.

Written by Francesca 121 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

You're seventeen. If I were you, I would use the remainder of the year to set up and establish yourself. This way you can move out on your own once you turn eighteen.

You're not going to change your mother, and your relationship will improve once you are distanced and have established a better life on your own. For now, every time you get in a tiff, simply ignore it and focus on what you can do to become established at eighteen. You have a car, you will need a job, a place to live, and the ability to make mature decisions in order to thrive on your own. Get crackin.

Written by Edahn 120 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I would agree. You have to plan for staying there at least for another year and assume that your mother isn't going to change. If you knew you had to live there with her in that condition, you could probably find a few ways to make it TOLERABLE, even though it won't be great. You can make your room into a sanctuary, find ways to hang out with your friends, spend time on the net, or maybe even take up some extracurriculars at school to help you avoid the situation at home.

Once you've got a good routine going, you can talk to your dad about ways to talk to your mom to get things flowing a little bit more smoothly. I wouldn't COUNT on this, but it's worth a try. You can try experimenting with the way you talk to you (respectful, firm, attention, or you can try being her buddy and earning her trust). You can also try to figure out ways to get her out of the house and producing stuff (rather than just vegetating) without triggering her resistance. For example, berating her will trigger resistance; inviting her out with you to an activity she will enjoy will not trigger resistance. Think about it. Experiment. Be smart. If it doesn't work, well, then it doesn't work. You can move out for college and support yourself by working part time.

Best of luck to you.

Written by bellacutie 120 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree that you should move out when you're 18 for sure.

Written by Clyde 116 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree as well that when you turn 18 you should move out as well.

However, let it be your call.

College would be a cool reason for moving out, and you could be away from all the smoking ;)

Best,

Clyde


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