Hello, I need serious help and do not know what to do. I'm married with a step child that is 11 years old and he has some mental disorder but my husband oversee it. He has all the symptoms of Adolescent Bipolar Disorder and ADD. He lies and fabricate stories and make believe of things and twist stories around. He causes problems in our marriage and it frustrates me because he has my husband so blind where he cannot see outside the box. He had the kid at a young age and decided to have him live with us 3.5 years ago. I do not want him in our home he's very disrespectful, he lies and has causes a lot of problems between me my In-laws. He lied and told relatives that I've beat him and I destroy is things and he stated that he wishes that I was dead etc, etc. I do not trust this child he's evil and needs serious help. I do not know what to do, I've tried to talk to my husband into getting him into therapy, His mom doesn’t want no dealing with him whatsoever, She has an assault charge against her and a restraining order she has assaulted me due to the fact that her child lied on me. The mother is jealous and has not gotten over the fact that my husband has moved on and does not want to deal with her anymore. This kid does not shower nor uses soap. he plays in the shower and runs all the hot water out, he sleeps walks, sneaks around the house, He steals my things out of my room. He's a compulsive liar. I want he removed out of my home because someone is going to get in serious trouble dealing with this kid. CPS has been involved and there’s an open case, He has no friends, he tattle-tells everything on everyone he plays like the victim and he's a big manipulator. Please Help I don't him living here....


Answers


Edahn
1651 days ago
A lot of what you described sounds like normal kid stuff to me (not using soap, using up the hot water, etc.). I absolutely don't get why "sleepwalking" was thrown in there. Sleepwalking is involuntary and has nothing to do with mental disorders like bipolar. In fact, I don't really understand why you think he's bipolar and not just manipulative. You can be manipulative without being bipolar or ADD.

It sounds to me like there's a lot of tension between you two, almost like you guys have fixated on each other and are BOTH trying to get the other one kicked out. He says you're abusive; you say he's bipolar. The truth is, you guys are both suffering and are both trying to use the same strategy--kicking the other one out--to fix the problem.

What I think you need to remember is that you're the adult. There are better solutions to your dilemma than evicting this child from his home and family. That solution might look good at first, but it will damage the child, damage your husband, and damage everyone's relationship. It will lead to a lot of sadness in the long run.

The better solution is to address the problem. You seem to think it's organic, but I don't agree. My suspicion is that this child is behaving this way because he sees you as a threat. To some degree he's absolutely right--you're trying to brand his as bipolar and kick him out of the house. I also get the feeling that both of you have fixated on each other, like you've locked horns and are waiting for the other to tire out and give up.

As the adult, it's your responsibility to get out of that situation, to stop fighting with him, start to talking to him and LISTENING to him, and not to make this all so personal, as if he's threatening YOU. It might not be comfortable right now, but his decisions and actions aren't motivated out of malice. He doesn't hate you--he's afraid of something. He's a child. You really have to see that in order to start changing your behavior and finding some other solutions.

Your best options, in my opinion, are to find a therapist to mediate between you two and clear the air so you can start making a new relationship with this child. A therapist that treats BOTH OF YOU TOGETHER would be ideal, such as a family therapist. The second-best option would be to have the child's father talk to him about his feelings about you. Give him space to talk and let him know that he won't get in trouble for expressing himself (otherwise, he won't say anything at all). You can take that information, without blaming and with remember that he's a child, and come up with a good solution together, or even all-together (child included). Remember: you're the adult and he's the child; we expect more from you than we do from him. We expect you to make wise and compassionate decisions, to admit when you're at fault, and to have the courage and discipline to make positive changes to your behavior and strategies.



anonymouswife2010
1646 days ago
Thank you for your advice. I asked my husband for some kind of therapy for his child and he keeps putting off. He has this phobia that the system is going to take his child away. I 've tried everything I possibly could do. And with me not being the biological parent I am only limited to do certain things according to the law. I want to seek help and try to help this kid. But he totally ignores me and act like I do not exist.



bella
1651 days ago
I realize you're very frustrated but I encourage you to look at this from a different angle - this is a child who desperately needs help, love, guidance and compassion. What does his school say and how are his grades? Your husband needs to be approached from a compassionate angle, not from the view that you hate his son living with you. I wonder if this boy senses you disliike him and that's why he acts out. A child needs to feel wanted and loved. His father, you and his ex, need to work together to help this boy the best way possible.



anonymouswife2010
1646 days ago
Hi there. He's a bright kid and has good grades overall. But when it comes to social skills and behavioral issues it's way below satisfactory. He has no friends and his dad baby him and spoils him. He do not teach him manners or to respect other people. In school he fights every day and his teacher sends him to the office every day. He does not get along with people. I think because his dad never let out the house, 7 days a week he locked in his room watching T.V and playing video games? He only come of his room when he eats dinner and take a shower. And I showed him love and gave him the world. He disrespected me so much and lied and caused problems between me and his family, Mother Grandmothers etc. It's like I put a wall up and I don't trust him. I understand that he's a child but if you were in my shoes and lived under the same roof you could understand. Thank you for your reply.



Chemar
1651 days ago
I absolutely agree that you need to see this as a child in need of care rather than someone you want "gone"

What you have described doesnt sound like bipolar or ADD to me, and even if he does have mental health problems, it would need a professional to diagnose him correctly.

I do hope you will take the good advice you have been given and try to work with your husband to help this child and so hopefully create a more stable environment for all of you.



anonymouswife2010
1646 days ago
Hello, I made an appointment for this child to be seen by a Doctor. To make a long story short I goggled ADD and Bipolar and looked at the symptoms and he fits all the criteria. Now I know I'm not no doctor at all but I know and everyone knows about him understand he has some mental condition. And I could be wrong he could be diagnose with something else. But as I was stating earlier I've made an appointment to have him seen by a specialist, They've ask if I was his mom and I explained to them that He's my step-son and they stated that either the bio-mom or dad must come him and have a meeting with the doctor before we can have him set up for therapy sessions. So I took the information and had a long talk with his father he was cool in the beginning and when it was time for our meeting he backed out and decided it was not a wise Idea. he has this phobia that the system is going (CPS) 0r (The State Child Welfare) is going to remove him from our home. I don't know what to do, I've been nice I've talk to him made him feel comfortable as possible and he still disrespects me, So basically I put up a shield and just act like I do not exist to him. I know it might sound wrong I do not trust this kid and he’s caused a lot of problems in my marriage. Thank you for your input.



RTS
1651 days ago
I would add that the disrespect of other people's rights is a danger sign that whatever his problems are, they MUST be taken care of. Assaulting your mother is not OK, and accusing people falsely of abuse is serious. That said I would have to echoe the others in that this is a child that need help, not HAVE HIS ACTIONS NOW USED AS AN EXCUSE TO JETTISON HIM. As the adults in the household you have a responsibility to him to try to nip this behaviour in the bud and get him in to a therapist. YOU also have to realize that treating him as evil and making your dislike clear to him will only make his actions worse, and makes your being taken seriously by his father much less likely. This is, after all, a child, even if his behaviour is agressive, false and manipulative. Try to focus on saving his future, and see if you can't convince his father to have a complete evaluation done. Good luck.



anonymouswife2010
1646 days ago
Thank you for your input as well, I will explain to his father that Therapy is a must and is much needed.



Addiction
1650 days ago
Sounds to me like this kid needs some unconditional love. Anger in children stems from fear. Perhaps said bio mom and daddies relationship wasn’t so great. What did this kid witness? Fights verbal or physical? That would scare me none the less a small child who’s brain is just developing. Sometimes they act out because they don’t know what else to do. Like a new born baby cries when their hungry because they know someone will come with a bottle and they don’t have to words yet to say I’m hungry.

Bi-Polar is extreme highs and lows. Do you see EXTREAM highs and lows? For example, does he claim to be Super Man one minute and wish to die the next? Again sounds like kid stuff to me as well. My kids would be on extreme lock down if I held them to not standing in the shower for excessive amounts of time with just the water running. It feels good to stand in the hot water and just let it melt you away. I had to sniff my kids after a shower just to make sure they used soap. Smell their breath to make sure they brushed.

Let me ask you something on a personal level. You entered this marriage knowing you would be getting a stepson. Correct? It was a package deal and you knew that. Correct? Mommy already abandoned him now that you don’t want to deal with him so you want to take away his Daddy too because it doesn’t fit the perfect life you had hoped for. You’re an adult you can make rational decisions because your brain is done growing. When you entered this marriage did you not think it would come with challenges? Please find a way to reach him. Divorce or separation of one or both parents does a dirty dance on children let alone attempting to deal with new rules and a new person. They always think it’s their fault. Did you try to be his friend or did you just step in as the new mommy? Try to see things from his point of view and please don’t take his daddy away from him too. Do the work. Be the hero! This kid sounds like he needs one.

Just my opinion



anonymouswife2010
1646 days ago
month. So it's alot of issues he going through. I did everything I could to make matter easy, I showed love and respect and It has gotten no where. I'm confused it's like a tug-of-war :(



jetsetjackson6
1524 days ago
Good luck. I feel your pain. Follow what your heart is telling you. There's a reason God gave you intuition. Do what you know is right and best for you.