Ive been married for 8 years and have 2 sons (6 and 4), my husband has a daughter from his first marriage and she is 21. She was a very difficult teenager (before sons were born) and by the time they came along she had distanced herself entirely from us and no contact for about 4 years, then at 20 or so she contacted my husband and they have a breif relationship and might talk once every few months or have lunch. It was a very painful time in my life with her, typical bad step family relationship. She now would like to meet up with my boys and us, which I dont think is a problem however my question is when is it best to tell my sons who are young, right now they come first in my life, and if they are too young then this would not happen, although I know I can't wait till they are adults to tell them...Im also very sad to tell them, breaks my heart actually, this ruins their 'perfect' world, mine too I guess!...lots of reservation here, my husband seems to ony think of himself and his daughter in this situation and doesn't consider our sons...so I feel very alone on this matter and also like the 'evil' step mom once again...can someone please enlighten me on this...
Thanks in advance


Answers


bella
1383 days ago
Hi,

I'm sorry you're troubled by this. IMO I don't see this being a problem and this kind of circumstance happens all the time in todays society with blended families. If I were you I would explain - that "your dad used to be married/partnered with another lady and they had a baby, just like mommy and daddy had both of you". "This baby is all grown up and because she's your dad's daughter, this makes her your half sister". You and your husband should explain this in a supportive way.

This will only be a big deal, if you make it this way. If you're accepting of this and tell them in a pleasant way, they'll recieve it like that. If you appear upset and tense, they'll pick up on that also. I think you should wipe the slate clean and she most likely has matured a great deal.

Try to understand her side a bit - maybe she was rebellious/afraid of losing her father and thought you were the reason - not that you were, but divorces are hard on kids. This doesn't have to be a big deal at all. You obviously love your sons, so your reaction to this will set the tone and make it easier for them to digest this information. Best of luck.



cnld
1383 days ago
Thank you so much for your answer, this does help and I did recognize that my reaction to this will set the tone for them...I have to let go of the angst I have for the situation and let them have the truth un biased. What about there ages? Ive thought of introducing her as a family freind to start with (my youngest is only 4) and when they are a bit older to tell them who she is? I have a problem with the husband also, he thinks Im wrong on all of it, that I come from it from an evil standpoint, he's never asked once how we should approach the boys or anything about them, which are also his children. he seems not to regard them.



bella
1383 days ago
I'm happy you're willing to be flexible on this Cnld. Children are amazingly resilient/understanding and even your 4 yr old will be able to understand, if it's explained simplistically. I don't think you should introduce her as a family friend - this might make his daughter feel uncomfortable. I think if you tell your kids, they most likely will want to meet her if you both sound comfortable with it.

Since you and your husband had a stressful past when she was younger - your hubby might be sensing you're not happy about this situation. This could be why he's sort of shutting you out, on the assumption you're against the whole thing. He may be perceiving you're going to be an obstacle, so he's basically taking matters into his own hands. If you let him know you're more flexible / not opposing the idea, he'll probably be relieved and be more willing to talk. He also might be thinking the same as me and is more relaxed about it.

Kids are very accepting and they don't have all the emotional baggage that you/others have, from the past experience, when she was younger. I bet they'll be anxious to meet her. So I think he's not considering your/sons feelings because he's sensing you're against and stressed out about this. I understand it seems like a big deal but it's going to be fine. Take it slowly and one step at a time, rather thinking about the past or getting too ahead of yourself - it's not like you all have to plunge into being one big perfect family lol. I hope his daughter has matured and the meeting goes well for you and your family :)