I really hate my mother when she is manipulative, biased and condescending. She can really pour it on and, let me tell you, when she does, it is all about her. Trouble is, she makes it all about me somehow - very crafty. I am just not able to maintain a healthy attitude, reasonable self-esteem and, sometimes, my temper when I am around her. Every time, every single time, she pushes my buttons. She is about to turn 85, so I feel I have to treat her with kid gloves because she 'seems' so fragile but I am seething inside and don't want to be around her at all.


Answers


Edahn
2137 days ago
It sounds like she hurts you and in response, you get angry. You sound very aware of what's going on. I would guess that the next step for you is to create a plan for yourself to act on the understand that you've developed.

Maintaining a healthy attitude is important, but I'd go a step farther and say that the thing you want to try to maintain is your ability to make wise decision. A wise decision looks at the situation and figures out what needs to be done in order to make everyone benefit in the long run. If you keep examining the situation like you're already doing, you probably get more in touch with how and when you "lose" this ability to make wise, calculated decisions, and instead start making decisions out of self-preservation. I'd imagine that you get hurt or worried about getting hurt, and that that pulls you back into the drama and out of the wise perspective. Noticing how that happens would be a great step that you seem to be headed towards. The more you see HOW this is happening, the more you'll be able to respond out of the wise center.

One thing you might consider doing is taking a break when you see you're getting sucked into the drama. You could excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and collect yourself. Decide what really needs to be done. Maybe you tell your mom how you feel, maybe you tell her you need to take a walk, maybe you tell her you'll see her tomorrow. Having a little room could do wonders.

I think you're on the right track already.



rascalwords
2068 days ago
Thanks very much for your reply. I realize that it has been awhile and hope that you understand how difficult this situation is for me. My relationship with my mother has become impossible; I feel devastated each time I see her. I limit my time with her, but when I am in the same room with her for five minutes, she pulls a zinger. She is not nice, she goes for the jugular. Today I felt scared: why is she trying to hurt me? What kind of mother tries to hurt her child? I am still reeling from her attack - the thing is, she is subtle but direct. She makes sure that she has said something that I absolutely can't miss. It seems to me that she wants to let me know that she is immensely displeased with me as a person, but I don't know why. My inner self reels from the emotional punch; it takes a few days for me to get over it. But that is just fuel for her fire - if I can't handle being around her, that makes me an even worse daughter. The truth is that I cannot handle being around her - she wants an argument so that I will look like the mean one, but she is the mean one. I miss the relationship that we used to share but she was always controlling - maybe that is what is different. I can see her tenacles so clearly now and her purposes are not mine. I cannot let go of the best parts of myself to be her vague, ambiguous, undefined idea of a daughter. Wow, I need to stay away from her for awhile. She is driving me crazy.



Dixie8
2135 days ago
Think about this: would you allow a person like this into your life if you were not related to her? This type of negativity can cause or contribute to depression, anxiety & it can crush your self-esteem. My mother has always been negative toward me, saying things like "Thank God I got one perfect daughter (my sister) to make up for you!" Anything I've accomplished, like getting a college degree, or having poems published, she has said "Piddle" The fact that I don't have kids & don't enjoy cooking is a huge deal to her. She will tell me how so & so visited & it was Wonderful because they cooked together. How did I solve this? I only visit once a year now (thank Heavens my parents live in another state). I do call them once a week but when it gets negative, I say "Oh, I have to go, my chicken is ready to come out of the oven" or some other excuse. It is difficult to do with family members but do NOT let a negative person take over your life. So what if she is 85? She has been treating you badly & so she doesn't deserve to be in your life more than what you can bear.



robmhill
2130 days ago
Sounds like your hatred is reasonable, she is not being good to you, she is hurting you to feel better about herself. get away from her, you owe her nothing.

My mother was psychologically torturing me during the last few years of her life, she had done this all my life, it was causing me physical harm, BP 180/110. I did not talk to her for the last two years of her life.

I have never regretted it. If she loved me she would not have behaved like that.

Save yourself. At least you will not have long to wait.

Someone who loves you does not treat you like that.



Clyde
2122 days ago
I can understand that you have bad feelings and thoughts about her.

It is indeed a tough situation.

Best,

Clyde



rascalwords
2068 days ago
Thank you very much for your reply. It has taken me awhile to be able to come back to this site. I am absolutely ill around her, and things have become much worse. I am hardly able to be around her at all. I do hope that healing can take place if I stay away for awhile, but we will see. Thanks again, I really do appreciate your taking the time to reply.



jack123!
1726 days ago
Hello. I'm interested how you are dealing with this situation, as I'm struggling myself. All these answers seem mature, and I appreciate them. On other sites, answers seem to come from folks that have not experienced the same. I am now on vacation and realizing that I love my Mother, but I do not like my Mother. Currently, I am not working and had hoped to spend quality time with her; she is 84 and we lost Dad in 2008. They had a quintessential marriage. Instead of enjoying my time with Mom of the last 4 months, I hated most of it, got stressed, lost self-esteem, and blew up a few times, and now I wonder why did I have the expectation? My sibling says 'she is who she is'.. she's an intelligent, caring, giving woman, who has had a wonderful life that others really love in the community. To me, she is self-involved, worried about the insignificant, righteous, and constantly judgmental. I wonder 'am I like that?'.. and now I sit alone, in a beautiful beach resort, crying for a relationship that will never happen. Let the grieving process begin. Get away and come to Mexico rascalwords!



windy
1302 days ago
Thank you for sharing all of this.

I am perplexed with my feelings toward my mother and it's really hurting. She is 78, vulnerable, and taking care of my declining father. I want to be loving and available. I feel as though she deserves that. She has always seemed to try to be that for me. So why do I feel so horrible around her? I feel embarrassment and humiliation about myself around her. I get so that I don't want to say anything, but just hide. My whole personality changes. Like the previous writer, she is very much admired by countless people in the family and community. She's an intelligent, fun, cool little old lady. So I just get more humiliated the more I feel the way that I do. Ouch.



satyrWallace
1078 days ago
I have multiple issues with my mother. I have so many reasons to hate her, but....I'm the only one who does. I'm the only one who even dislikes her. I'm 15 years old, so sometimes I wonder if my hormones are some of the cause of this. Although, lately she's been assuming I'm lying about every little thing just because I made one little mistake a year ago. When I try to explain and prove I'm not lying, she goes "sure, if you say so" or "whatever helps you sleep at night" or some stupid sarcastic remark. I continue to try to convince her but she keeps pushing me and my anger. There are so many little things about her that bug me, but now that she's acting like this I just can't even look at her. She says all this crap and can't even see how ignorant and self-absorbed she is. She takes care of me, gives me gifts on holidays, but it doesn't mean anything as long as she always acts the same way. She can never accept that she's wrong - even about the smallest of things. Whether there are other people around or not, I'm always alone. I don't know what to do. She has so many distasteful characteristics, but still, I can't help but have a feeling that her personality isn't the only thing that makes me hate her. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I feel like this. And I don't completely know why I hate her so much. I can't stop crying - even right now. She's such a hypocritical, self-absorbed, pessimistic, impulsive soul sucker.

I need help.