My 19 year old daughter, who is still completing high school, hates her family with a vengeance. She gets angry about little things, she fights with her sister all of the time, sometimes physically. She verbally insults her mother, wishes her to leave or die. She states that after she leaves to go to college, she plans to never contacting or talking to her sister, to the point of that she should go off and die. Always believes that we support her little sister more than her, never discipline her, lets her do things that she never got away with. She frequently states to me that her sister is doing drugs and is a drug addict, with no proof, just verbal messages relayed to her from other friends. While her sister is no angle herself, she acts more mature than this 19 y.o.. Her sister is 16, she stands up to her sister when they fight, and will get physical with her if she has to, sometimes she has started them and starts the physical abuse herself. I try to mediate between them, many times I get between them and physically stop the fighting myself, but why is it that they get this violent. My marriage has had some rocky points, but never very physical. Mostly yelling and arguing, with threats of leaving and such. We have been married for 26 years, and we are comfortable with each other, we understand each other and no what the other is thinking most of the time. My daughters are another matter. The 19 y.o. actually left the house for a few days, and stated she was going to get her own apartment and just forget the family, we finally convinced her that she is an adult, and she has to make her own decisions, but that once the decision is made, she has to stand by it. No turning back. I think that may have actually gotten through to her, she is still acting petty and mean, but for the time being she is home. What causes this anger?


Answers


Simcha
1995 days ago
This sounds TOUGH!

Well, here is probably a giant host of issues going on here. Family dynamics play into it I'm sure, but that's not the sole problem here. A 19 year old still in high school is a giant red flag that something happened here your not discussing.

Is your daughter going to pay for her own college, or are you? I ask because you have significant leverage here to make an ultimatum: Either she goes to a psychologist, or you won't pay for college.

If you know a better way to get her into counseling, do it.

Otherwise, try that tactic.

No matter what, unless you what the 16 year old to have serious problems I'd get her into counseling right away, while she is still young and you still have control over her. Secondly, I would recommend that you and your husband get counseling--individually and/or as a couple. It isn't good for you to be in that sort of malignant relationship with verbal/emotional abuse. The kids both see this of course, and you can imagine the effect it has on them.

That's my best suggestion. It takes a professional to unravel years of negativity and dysfunction, and a psychologist is the person to see for that.

GOOD LUCK!



Clyde
1994 days ago
Well, children do act out what they have seen. Of course, she is not a child anymore, but consider if she has seen you and your husband (wife) arguing all this time, she may of learned (modeled) this behavior.

There are many things to go through here.

See if you can get the 16 year old (as well as the 19) in counseling, and see if it is possible for you, as her parents, to talk to both of them, one on one, to help smooth out the situation and to see what can be done.

Best,

Clyde