My 19 year old daughter and I have always had a very head to head relationship as we are both strong willed. At age 13 she left my home to go live with her dad because she did not want to follow our house rules. Her younger sister who was 4 at the time she left was heartbroken, as was I.

As of recent, and when she was 17, she slowly came back into our lives. It was a long process but I felt we were making ground. She lived with me for a bit before meeting her fiancee and moving in with him. She became pregnant and had my first and only granddaughter in February of this year.

I was there for her through all of this, supportive and helping her through graduation, trying to guide her toward college, accepting her choices to have the baby and get married.

She had been living with her husbands Mom for the last year, up to mid-July, when they had a falling out (had been brewing for months) and came to move back in with me, her and the baby. We all were thrilled and went out of our way to make room for her (I have a very time house) and make her feel as comfortable as we could. Her husband remained with his mother but would visit often.

Through this time she was very ungrateful. Back to the way she was before she left at 13. She would show thanks when things happened but when she needed to make compromises for the family sake, she was dead set at her own ways. When I would try to offer advice about the baby (which was not ofter - really) she would be on board unless it was completely in agreement with her own belief. In a nutshell, everything became "her way or the highway".

I tolerated the behavior because I feared her leaving again. I realize now I have been doing this with every disagreement we have had since she returned at 17. I guess it finally got to the point where I refused to let her "Rule the Roost" anymore and told her, during a small spat, that she needed to show some compromise. I was dreading even stating my opinion but tired of being held emotionally hostage. As expected, she blew up, and moved back with her father, stating I hated her since birth and telling me I'd never see her or my granddaughter again.

Needless to say, I'm heartbroken and I am unsure of what to do. She will not speak to me and refuses to have an adult conversation. She does this to everyone around her and I'm sure it is only a matter of time till she has to leave her dads for the same reasons. Even her new husband has had to deal with the manipulation, I fear her too is at his wits end.

I am having a hard time understanding how a child can say you hate them when all throughout their lives you do the right thing by them and tell them you love them a number of times daily? How could she possibly think I hate her after all I have done to show her I love her? Does she really believe this?

Can you offer some advice on coping and not becoming a victim to her again if she comes back into our lives in the future?

A Heartbroken Mom and Grandma


Answers


bella
994 days ago
Hi - I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with your adult daughter. Firstly I doubt she truly hates you - most of the time when a loved one says this in the heat of the moment, they don't really mean it. Are you able to communicate well with your ex?? I suggest you, the ex and her ex fiance suggest she get counseling. Would she be willing to get counseling with you? When she's staying with you or your ex - does she help out financially - how is she supporting her child and herself??

If she absolutely won't listen, all you can do is make it clear you're still willing to be part of her life and your grand daughters life. If she does come back, you need to be firm with some boundaries and stick to it. She may need to fall a few times, in order to appreciate what you and others do for her. I hope things improve for both of you.

Here's a website with some tips and there are several good books about mother and adult daughters:

http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/why-mothers-daughters-cant-just-get-along