I don't exactly know how to say what I want to say. I guess all I can really say is I need help. This is really long, and it's a waste of time. So unless you feel like wasting 10 minutes of your life to help a pathetic piece of nothing like me, click the back button on your browser.
I've been depressed since I was 10, when my dad abandoned me to go live with his new wife in Italy. The depression got worse, and worse, and worse, and of course, being a depressed teenager, I started to cut my wrists. I began drinking and taking pills and basically harming myself. Well, I'm glad to say that I haven't cut for at least....5 months. But I can't say the same for the others.
I was sexually harassed by my moms boyfriend at 14..my mom didn't believe me, and kept dating him until he did it again. At ages 14, 15, and 16 I was sexually harassed several times, one time was from an old teacher of mine, another was from a random guy who drugged me. At age 16 I attempted suicide, but stupidly I called the suicide hot-line. The cops found me, and I was hospitalized. I guess that's enough of my life story for now.
Well, a year later, and now a college student, I still find myself in the same patterns. I saw a social worker when I was 2 for anger management problems, then at age 12 (to now) for depression. I was diagnosed with major depression, dysthymia, anxiety, and most recently, PTSD (from the sexual assaults), (and manic depression runs in my family). My social worker just retired, and I have a new psychiatrist, whom I am not comfortable with. I don't know where to run.
I have always had suicidal thoughts. Ever since I can remember. Really. When I was little I used to think about jumping off of buildings and drowning in pools. And I still think like this. Whenever I'm in a building I imagine breaking the glass windows and jumping out. When I'm walking home from work at night I think about jumping in-front of the fast moving cars, or jumping off the side of the cliff, or getting picked up by some random person and being killed, or getting my throat sliced by someone walking behind me. When I'm sitting and doing nothing, I think about O.D.-ing on my sleeping pills, anti-depressants, pain killers, etc, and alcohol. My suicidal thoughts are always there. No matter what I do, they are there. They have become so normal to me, that I don't understand how anyone can not have these thoughts.
Recently I have been, I guess you could say, "fixating" my thoughts on committing suicide. I have been so tempted to just do it. I think about how my death would affect the people around me. I think about how happy people would be if I wasn't here. I think about ending up in the hospital if I don't succeed at doing it. I ponder how I would do it, and when. But for one reason or another, I never do it.
Within the past few weeks, I have been more and more.... "close" to doing it. When I taking my sleeping pills (I can't sleep at night otherwise), I have to stop myself from taking more than 2. I beat the crap out of myself to stop myself. But beating myself up, (punching myself in the head as hard as I can), is just another way of hurting myself. Sometimes when I drive home I think about going to where I tried to kill myself a year ago. The only reason I didn't go- my mom called me. Every night I drink. Every night I keep a knife by my bed so I can kill myself if I discover some new found courage. Every night, while drinking, I consider taking pills. I have done it a few times but I've puked from excessive amounts of alcohol before I could take enough pills to do the job. I really hate myself. I don't like me. I just wish I would vanish from this earth, and every memory of me was wiped away from people's minds. I don't deserve anything I have, had, or want. I am a piece of shit. I don't deserve to be on this earth. I'm a waste of....everything. I don't deserve your time. I don't deserve anything but the worst.
(Oh, and I promised myself I wouldn't live to see the day I was 18. Well, it's coming up. Maybe that's a reason for all of these seriously tempting thoughts.) I am so desperate to do it, I almost want to run away...it's so childish, but I don't give a shit. I just want to disappear. Vanish. Go 'poof'. Not live to see another second.
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