I have extremely low self-esteem and have been cutting myself for just over 2 years now, i wouldn't say i'm the most depressed person in the world but i'm certainly not happy. I'm currently in college, somewhere i don't want to be, buts its "the road i have to walk" to get to university, so i can't leave. I'm always worrying about my girlfriend leaving me, we have life plans together and whenever something happens or i see something standing in the way of those plans, my life just seems pointless and i almost always think of suicide, but i must confess, i'm not brave enough now, and i doubt i ever will be, which to me makes me feel weak.
I eventually seeked help and i'm currently in about my 20th weekly session of counselling therapy however i'm convinced it doesn't work. I've been to the doctors where i was told its just stress from the work expected from me at college but i have to say i think thats bullsh*t.
I read about disorders online almost daily and i come up with a new diagnosis everyday, depression, bipolar disorder, pathological liar, OCD...you name it i'm sure i have the symptoms..but i'm not really sure whats wrong with me, my doctor said he would put me on antidepressants but he's more concerned about the side effects than what they'll actually help me with. I constantly feel tired and empty, doctors thought i was anemic and i've had over 10 blood tests for all different things, this was last year however and i'm convinced its just something else thats going on in my mind causing me all this distraction and bother.
I usually find that i get obsessed with things and people a lot too, and when i do i find it hard not to talk about them, i love my girlfriend more than anything but she's not just that, she's my addiction, my obsession...she thinks the same about me too but i don't know really whats going on in my mind or what to do...i guess this isn't a question just a huge declaration of feelings, i'm sure someone has answers.
anyway thanks for reading all that if you got this far :o)
I eventually seeked help and i'm currently in about my 20th weekly session of counselling therapy however i'm convinced it doesn't work. I've been to the doctors where i was told its just stress from the work expected from me at college but i have to say i think thats bullsh*t.
I read about disorders online almost daily and i come up with a new diagnosis everyday, depression, bipolar disorder, pathological liar, OCD...you name it i'm sure i have the symptoms..but i'm not really sure whats wrong with me, my doctor said he would put me on antidepressants but he's more concerned about the side effects than what they'll actually help me with. I constantly feel tired and empty, doctors thought i was anemic and i've had over 10 blood tests for all different things, this was last year however and i'm convinced its just something else thats going on in my mind causing me all this distraction and bother.
I usually find that i get obsessed with things and people a lot too, and when i do i find it hard not to talk about them, i love my girlfriend more than anything but she's not just that, she's my addiction, my obsession...she thinks the same about me too but i don't know really whats going on in my mind or what to do...i guess this isn't a question just a huge declaration of feelings, i'm sure someone has answers.
anyway thanks for reading all that if you got this far :o)
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Answers
Welcome!
Seems to me you have a bad feeling with psychology to begin with :) Yet, seeing you on a place called "Psych Central Answers" also makes me think that you are searching for some kind of help.
I can understand not wanting to be in college, but it is as you mention, the road to university, so at least you have a goal there you can look onward to, and see in the future. What are you studying to be?
Dont feel weak for not committing suicide. You should feel strong that you didnt, because by staying alive, you show that you are strong enough to face the fears that you have and strong enough to realize that you need help (another reason you are here).
Have you talked much to your girlfriend about your feelings? If she is a big part of the reason you feel the way you do, is there anyone else, like at the college, or another friend, on whom you can discuss this with?
Life seems pointless to all of us at one time or another. I can see times in my own life where I thought, what am I doing? What good is this? And then, sooner or later, the answer finally appears. We dont always know the answers to the future, but we also must not stop asking the questions, and not stop searching for those answers to those questions.
I'm not saying that therapy is not NOT beneficial for you, but if you state that it isnt, then you state that you have found a bunch of disorders that you feel you may have, then how would you expect someone to treat you? I mean, of course, they do want to treat you, and they do want to help, but if you have only been there 20 times and they continually hear from you that you have this instead of something that you thought you had last week, it is harder to get a handle on your therapy.
Think of it this way. If someone thinks they have a cold, they take cold medicine. But if they see the doctor next week and find out that they had the flu, they take a stronger med, or get a flu shot. For every disorder, there is a different form of treatment.
Also, 20 times is not a small amount of times, yet it is nowhere near super high, either. Perhaps you just havent been there long enough to get the answers you so desperately seek?
I dont think (from what I have read here) that it is just stress from the college work. Human beings dont just have one factor that sets them off entirely. Human beings are a complex being, and while a person may seem mad because X happened, in reality, there was also A,B,C,E and G that made him mad long before X came along. X was just the flame to the wick on the dynamite.
Have you talked to the doctor about these feelings and told him that you are not so worried about the side effects as you are getting well? OF course, side effects are important, but getting well is just as important (sometimes MORE important).
I really hope things get better for you (and of course, for your girlfriend).
Keep us posted and best wishes!
Thank you so much for your reply Clyde, i understand what you're saying about all the treatments and stuff but i'e never mentioned these to my doctor or my counsellor, i'm afraid they'll just think i'm even more crazy than i already am, i guess i just want someone to label whats wrong with me so i don't have to think about it so much, so i don' thave to research a million things and worry about which one i have, just because i know what i have and i can read about it, you know?
Oh, I can definitely understand and appreciate that :) Its just a lot harder to make a diagnosis of someone when you are not IRL with that person--you know, doing it on a computer is hard ;)
I can understand the whole not researching a million things, its gotta be agonizing and aggravating.
However, even though you deservedly so want to research about yourself and know whats going on, do you think that you could treat yourself efficiently by knowing that you have X or Y disorder?
Keep talking :) and best wishes...
I think that if i was to know i had something i wouldn't have to wonder anymore and that'd leave me with less stess, i think it'd make me happy to know i can be put into a category whereas now i just feel like..great, you know, i don't fit in because there's obviously somethin not right, but i don't know what it is. I mean, its annoying but i don't want to live forever wondering...but with my counsellor i guess he's just working on my self esteem, the way i view myself but it doesn't help...i mean i know its his job to compliment me and make me feel a little more worth his words but because i know thats what he has to do, it completely goes over my head, it means nothing to me and i just don't think its helping at all. I'm managing to hold back on the cutting, not fo rme but because i love my girlfriend & it hurts her more than it hurts me. I'm not trying to hurt anyone but myself here. I don't know, you see professionals and they say just write it out, write down your feelings and you'll feel better...but i've always wrote, poetry, song..all different things but it doesn't seem to help me, only give me time to just sit and think...I just want someone to say, ok you have this...lets work on it...instead of me wondering, it takes doctors a while to figure out if you have these things so i guess i'm playing a losing game here not wanting to go back to them and give them the time...plus my mum would wonder why i'm basically living at the doctors, i've told my mum before about feeling depressed and stuff and she just laughs it off, i've told her to listen to me but she tells me i'm fine...so i have to be ok with her, i have to be normal, just like i used to be but its hard, i feel like i'm leading a double life...and with my girlfriend 200 miles away, the same sex, 4 years older and a different race, (unknown to anyone but close friends that she's my girlfriend) its difficult...but just telling people about that right now isn't something we can do, its been discussed a lot but it can't happen right now...So things i guess are kind of difficult, but we have long term plans and as i said, college is the road to university and i hope to move much much closer to her then, thats the one thing thats keeping me goin.
Anyway thank you so much for your words Clyde!
I can understand your feelings, and I do hope you do find out what is up with you. I also sympathize with you and sorry that you have a lot of stress.
Could you tell him to stop with the compliments and help you by giving the information you need to get better only? Tell him that you care less about compliments and more about constructive criticism?
I hope things get better for you, you really sound like you want so much to be happy and I hope you get that chance to be happy!
I'm not a medical professional in any way shape or form, but I do know that when I knew there was something wrong with me, counselors never did help. I had to go to a psychiatrist, someone that actually sat in the room with me for an hour, listening to my life story, and then made a diagnosis. Counselors are more of the people you go to "talk" to, but they don't seem to ever diagnose or prescribe anything. I would rethink maybe seeing a different doctor, one that has a more hands-on, gung-ho approach to getting you treated. They will ask you your symptoms, feelings, and are very good at narrowing down what you do and don't have. I hope this helps!!
lilangel, thank you for your words :o) i'm not so sure about seeing another doctor, its hard to sneak around because my mum doesn't really know whats going on with me, nor does my brother or many other people around me, i'm pretty good at hidn things i'd say so if i was to go to a doctor they'd know and its difficult to get to places here, i live in a pretty secluded area so doctors are limited n the ones that are available, i don't really feel comfortable with.
Clyde, i don't think the complimnets would stop as each meeting or appointment i have with him, he basically has to say somethin that he thinks is gonna make me smile, and i do smile..i always smile but i don't mean to, smiling is something i've grown so accumstomed to that because i only smile when i'm not happy, to hide it, i can't help it anymore...i think its because i get nervous, i'm not sure, but yeah... i do so much hope to be happier one day :o)
Hi Guy!
I just logged into this area of the site for the first time and noticed your message about self-esteem issues and couldn't help but stop in to say "hello" and express my concerns and hopes for your condition.
Not knowing your background, it's hard for me to say that our situations are similar. However, when I was attending college in San Diego in the early '80s, I had my share of self-esteem issues that weighed heavily on my ability to attend courses, focus on responsibilities, choose a major, etc.
In any case, it took me a lot of years to get over much of the self-esteem issues of my past. You, I'm glad to say, already have a major advantage over my situation in that you have a girlfriend whom you adore. You are truly blessed to have her in your life and I hope you have a wonderful life together!
Regardless, even though I successfully completed college in 1989, I still didn't believe in my abilities and alienated myself from those who might help to motivate me. This led to increased debt problems and poor work conditions. I had some help from friends during this time but never really addressed my own issues. This is what I would suggest for you. Drugs may help to ease the tension but I feel you clearly have issues that need to be addressed and they may well stem from your past. The couseler/group you choose to explore your condition should focus on past issues instead of just how you feel now. This is a major failing of most psychology these days, in my view.
On this point, I would suggest you visit the following site:
http://www.hnormanwright.com/
I had a chance to meet with Dr. Norman Wright at my church some months back and found him to be a highly intelligent counseler and very human about his approach. From his website, I would suggest checking out one of his books:
MAKING PEACE WITH YOUR PAST
http://www.hnormanwright.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=69&products_id=249
It's a short read but makes a lot of sense and may help you to find what it is that troubles you.
I could probably ramble for hours on this subject since I've spent the last 30 years dealing with my own issues. I'm even embroiled in a legal issue that is directly related to my inability to cope with my own issues of the past and self-esteem issues that were directly related to military life.
My suggestion now is that you talk to your parents about your problems. They may know things about you that they've never been comfortable discussing. Talk to your friends and, especially, your girlfriend. She is your lifeline. If your issues are similar to my own, or even if not, many people have a nurturing nature and need not only to be loved but "needed" by somebody. Not being able to express this leads to depression and anxiety.
Don't burden yourself too much with what other people say about your condition. There's too much work being done that is ignorant of the human component. Unless you truly think you are losing control, don't spend your time learning about disorders, phobias, etc. You are young enough and strong enough to find some of the answers on your own. And, I think you may find that you are not that much different than a lot of people around you. I applaud your ability to realize that you have issues and your attempt to deal with them now. That fact tells me that you are not so bad off as you may imagine.
Finally, and it took me a very long time to get to this point in my life so I'm not pushing, look to God for some answers. I believe you will find them. If you are not ready for this yet, I understand. However, if you have a moment, you might check out www.intouch.org. Dr. Charles Stanley talks in a very inteligent and unassuming manner. When he talked about loneliness (the first time I heard him), I learned so much that I was in tears for an hour and my life has been better for it.
I would only hope that you continue to learn but don't get discouraged. Keep an open mind and an open heart. Trust your family and your girlfriend and let them help you. And, know that that there are those who wish the best for you.
Good Luck!
Hi again!
As lilangel said, I'm not a psychologist in any sense of the word but, I am a good listener.
However, I just finished reading some of your dialogue of the last few days and noticed a few things that I missed earlier.
1. You mentioned that you live in a small town
2. You only mention your mother. Does your father still live with you?
3. You mentioned that your girlfriend is the same sex
4. Your girlfriend is a different race
5. You are afraid somebody may find out about your girlfriend
6. You are afraid somebody may find out about your psychological and health concerns
7. You are attending college
8. Your girlfriend lives 200 miles away
When you talk in your groups or with a counselor, do you address all of these issues or only some of them?
From a third-person perspective, it appears to me that you are dealing with a lot of confusion, anxiety and depression. You are afraid that nobody will understand you and the consequences of anybody finding out about your "secret" life.
Am I getting warm here?
Please understand that I don't criticize you in any way. In fact, I am highly sympathetic to your situation. I will also re-iterate that you are not unique and your problems are being shared by many others.
You are not unique. From my own perspective, I never felt adequate in my families' eyes due to my lack of motivations and accomplishments. I was always second best.
When I was first confronted with my legal issues 3 years ago, I almost committed suicide because I didn't believe in myself or in my families' ability to cope with my issues and help me. Of course, I didn't see that I could ask for help from them either.
Last August, this whole issue blew up in my face and I was forced to ask my parents for help (no, I didn’t ask before). They were there so fast it made my head spin. Even my brothers were there. We'll all have issues to deal with for years to come and it weighs on me greatly. But it's been a growth experience beyond any that I could have imagined.
Even my friends and girlfriend didn't desert me. This was my biggest concern 3 years ago when this started. In fact, my girlfriend is my strongest supporter (next to her mother, of course).
Lastly, you said you were hurting yourself. This isn't just a self-esteem issue, it's one of self-loathing. I want you to know that no matter how others may see you, how you think they will see you or react to your chosen lifestyle, you are special. You are special to your family, you are special to your friends, your girlfriend, and, you are special to God.
You have every right to be concerned but when the factors are listed as I did above, they become much easier to understand and deal with. Also, you may not have noticed, but you've already taken an important step by opening up online. It's not the same as talking to your mother or a doctor, but you are relieving part of your burden by looking to other "people" for help. Not just psychotherapy and drugs.
You are stronger than you know. Embrace your strengths and learn to incorporate them into your life. Find something you enjoy and do it at least once per day. And remember that you are never alone.
Hey,
Yes i'm definitely aware that i think that nobody will "accept" me so to speak knowing about the life i'mleading unknown to them but i think by telling them it will effect oo many aspects of my life at the moment, i'm afraid i'll be stopped from seeing my girlfriend etc. I mean, they can do that, she's 4 years older. Her parents, especially her mother are extremely against things like this, our relationship and i'm not sure i want things to get worse for her too. I sent her a letter last february and somehow he rmother found it, she broke down into tears at the realisation of my feelings for her and since then she's has to be convinced by her daughter, my girlfriend, that those feelings aren't there anymore and that we're just good friends.
Secondly, i definitely do have a relationship with God, i have my moments where i feel a slight urge of anger towards him and i know i cannot be forgiven for that, in my eyes anyway but i do turn to him, i pray and i do have a very strong belief that he's there for me.
I'll get online again later anyway, thank you for your words!
Last point today, I promise.
However, you said you have thought about suicide.
Having been there, it's not a pleasant thought, even if you believe your problems will be over forever. Remember the theme song from the movie M*A*S*H: "Suicide is Painless?" Actually, you might not but it was a rather interesting song when used as the theme for a Korean war movie (that and the fact that I work for a Korean company... Go figure!)
Anyway, death is never the answer to problems. It's the one decision you can make in life that can never be undone. And, no matter how your life may hurt, it's nothing in comparison with the hurt that will be felt by your loved ones at your passing.
I implore you to realize your own potential and inner strength and find the conviction to put these thoughts out of your mind.
As I said earlier, find something you do well such a hobby, craft or sport and do it regularly. Where possible, share it with somebody else. Take pride in your accomplishments and share them with others. When was the last time you did this with your mother? With your girlfriend?
You are on this earth for a reason. You are not only important to your family and friends but to all of us, and we to you.
We are stronger with you than without you.
You are Not alone in the cutting thing. I use to cut, it's been about one years and 9 or 10 months. I wrote an article on self mutilation but currently do not have it on me. For now, I will give you three excellent resources for support and informtion. Hang in there, it may be tough but I KNOW you can do it. The following websites are I hope they help) :
http://recoveryourlife.com
http://endallthepain.com
http://launchingpoint.org
Oh yeah, I'm 22 as well.
Peace
feel free to email me and antone else who self injures or knows someone who self injures.
It is nvpcse2007@gmail.com
Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragment, i'll definitely email you later, i'm currently at college so i'll get in touch a little later. i have read many websites with "support" as they say but it doesn't seem to help, i'll look at those when i get home later andlet you know how i get on.
Thanks.
Hey,
I found the article , I hope it helps you out as well as others.
~Peace
Have you ever experienced extremely intense emotional pain? Has there ever been a time in which you felt that all control you once had was gone? Have you ever want to punish yourself? Ever wonder if it is still possible to feel physical pain since your so numb inside? If you ever did or currently feel this way, you're not alone. A rising issue in our country today is something called self-injury. It is also referred to as self-mutilation, cutting, burning, skin picking, head banging, hair pulling. Self-Injury is when a person causes intentional pain, harm and / or injuries to his or her own body as a way of coping with or expressing overwhelming emotions.
Now, for those of you whom don't self injure may wonder why someone would want to do such a thing as hurting themselves. There are actually several reasons. Some people do it to escape the intense emotional pain they are currently experiencing, others think they need to be punished. It is also a way people express themselves because they don't see another way of doing so. I did it for these reasons and to also have the sense of control over something. Owning a secret that nobody else knows about, not even your loved ones and friends. It is a means of survival for people whom are greatly struggling with the curve balls life has thrown at them.
There are no special criteria for someone who self harms. It can happen to the very young, teens, people of all ages, even people whom you would least expect like me. I maintained a 90 average all four years of high school. A scholarship was also awarded tome from The College of Saint Elizabeth in Morris County. The requirement to keep the scholarship was maintaining a 3.0 average Until Spring of "08" my eighth semester of college.
In my first year of college many losses occurred in my family. One of my uncles died in February 04. Two grandfathers and another one of my uncles died in May of that year, of course during the most stressful time for college students between finals and term papers due. That October, my Godmother died. This was the last straw on the camels back for me. That's when I started cutting myself. It was my secret; I could do it whenever I wanted, the length of time, and where I would do it on my body. At first I would do it once a day, then twice, then three times, then whenever something upset me or caused anxiety. At school I would just get up and leave the classroom. It was a way to disassociate from the pain.
I wanted control over something, anything, for some kind of release. After awhile, it wouldn't even hurt as I cut. I would also get an adrenaline rush while doing it. I would have urges all the time that were basically impossible no to give into. My wrist would start to burn until I gave in to it. But through great strength, it was easier and easier to fight the urge.
Currently I am doing well. I have not cut myself for about a year and nine months or so. May will be two years since I last self- injured. Getting to this point was not easy. It has taken a lot of hard work. Now, I didn't get to this point on my own. It was a combination of therapy in which I'm still attending, psyc. Meds, which I'm still currently taking, support from my Bipolar and Depression group and another group for self-injury. The name of the self-injury group is Breaking the Silence of Self Injury ( B.S.S.I.). It is the only self-injury support group in New Jersey. I have been attending it for about two years now. The group was only started two years ago, so I've basically been there since the very beginning.
A miraculous woman runs the group by the name of Vicki Duffy. No she's not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but a survivor of self-injury herself. It's been about 13 years from the last time she self injured and 11 years off psychiatric medication. You name it, she's been through it and she made it through. The main source of recovery for her was when God came into her life. She has written a memoir by the name of No More Pain. From the support group, the idea of setting up an organization came up in discussion one night. It sounded like a great idea, so we went with it.
The group came up with the name Launching Point. It is a self-injury resource and support center. Currently it is located in a church where we have about three or four rooms. Our ultimate goal is to own a freestanding building where we can run the organization. It will be a place where people can go for support by attending support groups and just hanging out in a safe place with other people who formerly self injure or those who have gone months without hurting themselves.
We have recently become an official 503c organization, so we are doing our very best to raise money by selling things, having benefit concerts exedra. It will take awhile unless a miracle happens. But I have faith that it will occur much sooner then the rest of the group expects. Either way, it is going to happen since we are determined group of people primarily made of women.
Fortunately, there are places people suffering from self-injury can go to for treatment and support for this serious issue. For families, friends and self-injurers, there is a wealth of information on self-injury in books and on the Internet. I feel that the more people who are informed about self injury and learn how serious it really is, self injury won't be pushed under the carpet. I hope the stigma associated with self-injury will dissipate
Hello again!
These messages get so long that it's hard to tell who's talking to whom but I was glad to hear that you are speaking to listening to God...
As I said, it took me many years before I started listening and even more before I started talking back. My life has be much enriched since I've started and I don't see any reason or interest in turning back.
I've spent a little time this morning looking for words of inspiration and of hope. I thought I'd share some:
ISAIAH 40:
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary ; and they shall walk , and not faint.
PSALMS 42:
Why are you in despair , O my soul ? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God , for I shall yet
praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.
PSALMS 62:
5. My soul , wait in silence for God only , For my hope is from Him.
6. He only is my rock and my salvation , My stronghold ; I shall not be shaken .
7. On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength , my refuge is in God .
8. Trust in Him at all times , O people ; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. Selah .
There is a lot of hope for all of us in God's word. If you have a chance, check out www.INTOUCH.org. There ministry has given me a lot of happiness and hope. Plus, all of their radio program, TV programs, Life Principles notes, sermon outlines, daily devotionals, etc. are ALL available for download and free.
When looking for hope, I find that their message is very rewarding in that it is compassionate but unassuming.
One last thought, and you might give this some serious thought of your own. But, I wonder how your mother would respond if you told her about your 'friend'. Not your 'girlfriend'. Later, when the truth gets out, and it probably will one day. This should ease the blow and allow you to work through the situation.
If you get a chance, try listening to a song by Randy Travis (not sure if he wrote it but it's really good) called "Through the Fire". This has more hope and inspiration than just about any song I've ever heard.
Good luck and God Bless!
welll hey ... ur gf is well ... trust me things dont last forever ... and if u noe she is kinda trouble dont go on with it like .... move on u dont need to cut urself becuase of her .. just cuz she is flirting with a guy .. if she really is the one and special she would igonre the temptions ... but hun, i think u should dump her ! u want to be happy right sooo leave her and start a new beginning with ur life ! oxoxo marlina 13yr here