Avatar Posted by bipolargirl 140 days ago (Question)
Its me again. I'm posting because of some more concerns and such and also the things that have gone well.
Let me start off by saying that i spent the last week with my aunt and her two kids without my parents, she lives nine hours away and this is one of the first times i've been so far from home without my parents for so long. I learned how to cope a lot more while there because of the fact that my parents weren't there and they weren't there to help me through every little problem. But however my anxiety as gotten pretty bad, i get really afraid of dying constantly and i don't sleep well at all at night. I'm tired and worn and today i think that may have helped contribute to what happened to me today. Today i totally lashed out for no reason, in fact i really forgot what exactly happened. But i got so angry i could feel myself shaking and i was screaming at my parents telling them everything they had done wrong and telling them i hated them and why i hated them and then everybody went upstairs until i could calm down, but i went outside in a thunderstorm on our front porch and i felt this feeling inside of me that made me feel powerful...so i slammed the front door shut, so hard that plastic storm door that i was slamming got stuck and was unable to be opened again. i walked out in the pouring rain to back door and came inside, still angry. i went up to my room and mother tried to comfort me but i refused her help and after she left i felt so emotionally drained and depressed. i felt dizzy and sick to my stomach and sad that i had made such a poor choice. i laid there crying for made forty-five minutes before i fell asleep. When i woke up i went downstairs where my mother and little sister were asleep on the couch- i forgot to mention that today was also my little sisters birthday and when i got all angry i told her i hated her and wished she was never born and she cried and her suffering almost made me feel good. i've never lashed out that bad before and i don't know what happened. I feel like i ruined everything and i still feel sick and dizzy and hopeless. I've kept it together these past few weeks but i'm really scared of whatever came over to me today. i feel bad about posting again with a question type thing but i'm scared of myself right now.


Answers

Written by Francesca 140 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

There is nothing to be afraid of.

First of all, anytime we spend time with people who are new, they are on their best behavior. Everyone treats each other kindly and respectively. It creates an ideal situation, and we may start to wonder, why cant things always be like that?

The thing is that the more we get to know each other, the more real and comfortable things get. We start to develop interactions based on our previous knowledge. Which may not be roses and sunshine all the time.

Until you learn to manage yourself, and your interactions, this history of people treating you like you have been inappropriate, will remain a constant factor.

Stay true to who you are, but try to get a grip by not lashing out when things seem unfair. Instead try first, understanding where people are coming from. And why different people react in different ways.

You will find, everyone just wants to be treated kindly and respectively.

Written by bellacutie 139 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi BPG,

I'm glad you had a good time at your Aunts house. We agreed not to rescue you and always give you solutions but I feel it's necessary to say a few things. Firstly you don't have to be afraid of yourself - you do have self control and you need to use it. Many people wish they could just fly off the handle but we know there are consequences. Children have angry emotions and it's up to the parents to teach them how to handle it. What did your parents do when you had this outburst? Did they give you any consequences or punishment? Even though I like you - I hope they did. Just because you've been diagnosed with anxiety and possible OCD, is no excuse for having a meltdown. I don't think you would do this around people you don't know, so it's wrong to put your family through this.

I think you owe your parents and sister a huge apology. Then you need to have a plan for next time you feel angry so you can calm yourself down. If your parents didn't punish you constructively then that's not good. Maybe they are afraid of making you feel worse, but they need to give you boundaries of what is acceptable in their house.

Next time you need to walk away and give yourself some alone time. You should never scream/yell and say hateful things of damage household property. Mental illness doesn't give you a free ticket to be disrespectful and damage things. I want you to write back and tell me what consequences your parents gave you for being like this? Then I want you to write a plan of what would have better solution? Did you apologize for this? Also you need to make a promise that this won't happen again. Your parents and you need to put limits on your behavior? You are ACCOUNTABLE for you ACTIONS and you need to take responsibility. This isn't cool BPG, but I still like you. Take care Bella

Written by bipolargirl 139 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I know it isn't good i cried for hours and hours last night because i felt so horrible. I was stressed out to extreme levels- but i know thats not an excuse. I was so scared of myself afterwards, worse then i think i've ever felt. Usually when i get like that i take a walk-something i couldn't do because there was a thunderstorm going on. By the way i just thought i'd mention that i've never broken anything like a door before, i mean never! Last night i talked to my parents for an hour or so about what had happened. Today i had to buy a temporary storm door for our house and other than that i've had to be in room all day for behaving the way i did. I'm mad at myself for not being able to control my actions, i've spent a lot of time crying, even though i know i does no good. I've been feeling pretty sad today and i continuously apologize to them and i mean CONTINUOUSLY. i feel guilty and sorry and i know what i did was wrong. i just want to feel forgiven by my parents and sister. I also thought i'd mention that my thirteenth birthday is on the 8th- and that im humiliated that i acted so childish.

Written by bellacutie 139 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi again,

I'm glad to hear that your parents have given you consequences for how you behaved - that shows that they are good parents and not letting you get away with bad behavior just because you've been having a hard time. It's also good that you're sorry and I'm sure they will forgive you. We all make mistakes in our lives, the important thing is that we learn from our mistakes and how to do better next time. You are lucky you have a good family so it's important not to take advantage of them and to appreciate them.

Many adults even act childish sometimes and they certainly shouldn't get away with it either. Try to use the calming techniques next time. I hope you have a wonderful 13th birthday and I'm sending you a big birthday H U G.

Written by bipolargirl 139 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thank you! You're kids are really lucky to have you as a mom-not that i don't love me own mother but i think there are somethings i should have mentioned way back in my first few posts: anxiety runs in my blood- my mom had the same anxiety disorder as me which can be good because she understands but its not so good because (and she's explained this to me before) her parents weren't very open to talking about her anxiety disorder so sometimes she finds its difficult to talk to me about it. And more importantly- my mom is a has a degree in psychology, she's a social worker and she teaches college level psychology classes. The bad thing about that is that sometimes she can't stop thinking like i'm her client instead of her daughter. I love my mom and i know she loves me-but our differences make it difficult sometimes for us to talk about all the stuff i post about her.

Anyways thanks again.

Written by bellacutie 139 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks for the compliment BPG. I'm glad your Mom told you that she suffers from anxiety too - many mental illnesses do have genetic links. But the good news is you can learn to manage it. I think it's important for you to talk to your mom about how you feel and how you want her to not treat you like a client instead of like her daughter. But it's great that she would know what's best for you. Is your mom in control of her anxiety now that she's older?

Everything will work for you, don't worry. Take care of yourself. Bye for now.

Written by bipolargirl 138 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

My Mom is basically in control of her anxiety now. I remember being younger and my mom would get SO stressed because of her anxiety-back when i was an only child. I remember she got really anxious in situations that involved getting places on time. Everyday before school i HAD to be ready to leave for school at 7:30-at 7:35 it was all over, we would yell at each other and she would lecture me about time and get all flustered. By the time my sister was born our family doctor put my mother of medication, which she still to this day takes. She is a lot better now and in more control it really makes a difference for our family now.

Written by Clyde 136 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Happy Birthday tomorrow, by the way!

For the most part of it, I agree with it, except for telling your sister you never wished she was born. It does not get any easier to take care of our feelings as we get older, you just have to learn how to manage them better.

Best,

Clyde


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