Avatar Posted by datwonguy 112 days ago (Question)
Since my last posts I've started feeling a little better. I still haven't talked to my dad, but I feel I can manage this on my own for now. Also, my suicidal friend has calmed down some. She's doing better now, too.

If you read my first post, you know I was really worked up over a girl. Well, when she left me I started cutting myself. I would sit at night and cut my arms until they went numb - every night. It took everything I had to stop cutting myself, and once I did things got better for a while.

Just the other day, I tried to make amends with her. I simply asked her if she wanted to start over and work on our friendship. She refused. After that, I felt like I just had to do something. I shuffled through my books trying to find something to take my mind off it, and I came across my old razor. This triggered me even though I hadn't cut in seven months.

Since then, I've cut myself every day. In the past four days I've given myself no less than 50 individual cuts. I fear my addiction is coming back and I don't think I can control it this time.

I don't have a problem cutting myself. I enjoy the release it gives me. I just don't want my self injury to turn into something that will cause me more harm than good. Now, I know you're all going to say "Self Harm in any form causes nothing but harm." I look at it like this: It keep my mind off of killing myself. I have a handful of friends who know I cut, and even though they all want me to stop, they respect my decision to deal with things the way I know how.

What I want to know is what can I do to limit my cutting? I don't think that cutting myself every now and then to relieve stress or emotional pain is too bad. But cutting myself as often and in such volumes as I have been is too much. I just want to cut down. If I can find some way to manage that, I'll be able to control how often and how much I cut.


Answers

Written by katrineme7 111 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I don't think you cut yourself to hurt yourself. i think you do it to feel better, just like you say. And also like you say, you recognize how addicting this behavior is. it's really not all that different from other addictions, and as is true with other addictions, the hardest thing to do is to do them in moderation. You know that. so, I am not going to tell you that i think this should be your goal, to cut yourself in moderation, as I don't think it works very well. but i will also not tell you to stop hurting yourself, as this is not your intention. So, rather than focusing on how bad and self destructive you are by doing this, I would make a list and write down all the reasons why this is helping you, and what sort of help the cutting is providing. (I am sure there is more than once reason) So think about the good reasons, and then take responsibility for those, if and as they are true.

Now, you mention you do it until your arms feel numb, right? You are trying to change some really bad feelings, and by numbing them. (and losing your girlfriend is a big deal, for sure) there could be other reasons, too, like a symbolic way of cutting your need for her away? but this only you can know.

You also mention that it keeps you from feeling suicidal. is that true, really. Do you feel suicidal, or may it be that you think about it because you just feel shitty? And you also say you have a suicidal friend. Sometimes these things can be contagious? I am serious!

So, after you have figured all this out, then try to figure out for yourself how much your cutting yourself is really a problem for you, and that would include such problems as being found out, and/or the fact that these scars will be permanent, and that they will show? or maybe, a part of you wants to be found out, and seen, and I can really understand that part, really.

Then think about what it really is that you need for yourself? I doubt that it is good for you to be dealing with suicidal friends when you already feel badly yourself. on the other hand, this may be something you need to do, i mean , be there for your friend. (just don't forget that you also need to be there for yourself)

In my own experience, I have at times felt like I wanted and needed some things that the cutting was addressing, but which was not really as good as what i really wanted and needed. and in my case, what I needed was to be seen and heard, and understood?

Does that feel right to you? Would it maybe help you to get some stuff off your chest by confiding in someone? this could be a friend, or it may be better if this was a counselor, or someone who is neither friend, or family.

And it doesn't sound like the friend you are having problems with is willing or able to deal with your problems? She probably has her own, and we all do.

just some ideas and thoughts. i hope you find something useful in my words. The very best to you, kiddo. katrin

Written by datwonguy 111 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

No, I don't cut until my arms feel numb any more. When I first started cutting a few years ago that's what I would do. After I started again I was able to just enjoy the release instead of trying to punish myself for being the reason the relationship came to an end. And I've never really thought about it as a symbolic way of getting rid of her. To me it's more a way to bring her back. When I cut, I feel like I did whenever she told me she loved me.

When I say it keeps me from being suicidal, I mean that if I were to not cut eventually everything that I was keeping inside would push me to a point where I would want to give up - and sometimes even try to end my life. In the seven months that I hadn't cut, this happened more often than it should have. I haven't known my friend for long, and I have been like this for as long as I can remember, and she was suicidal when I met her from having watched her boyfriend kill himself, so I don't think we got it from each other.

I've been found out before, and all that happened was my parents threatened to put me on suicide watch. They didn't bother to keep checking my arms, so I kept cutting. As for scars being permanent, I was told that last time, too. The scars that I had then are GONE. I can't explain it, but they are. And you are kinda right. I do want to be found out and seen. I'll explain when I address your next question.

What I need is to feel loved. Any more, my dad's never around - he works full time and goes to school at night. I'm only around my mom every other week, and she threw me out because I told her I didn't like her boyfriend (now husband). I rarely see my best friend whom I look up to as if he were my brother. And with Danielle leaving me I just don't feel like anyone really cares. Cutting makes me feel better, because it makes me feel loved. And I'm willing to deal with ANY consequences as long as I can have that feeling.

Written by katrineme7 110 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I like that you are so open, datwonguy. I hope you don't mind when I get some things wrong. Sometimes when someone else says something that doesn't fit it's just a good way to expand on the subject, and I am glad you did.

How old are you? I wish you had a little info about yourself in your profile.

I also think you have a lot of insight into yourself.

I am sorry you have had nobody who has taken interest in your internal, and/or even external life. No parents really, even if they are there, but unavailable. Do you have any siblings? (I am asking not to analyze you but just because I am interested)

Also, is the cutting the first and only addiction you have ever had? Again, you do not have to answer; I guess I am interested in you and your life, and that is why I am not restricting my interest to whether you should still cut yourself or not, and how often. you know I cannot answer that or tell you what to do. I am also asking because of my own life story, and stuff we may have in common, and that helped me then overcome some of this stuff, and that may help you.

I had an eating disorder first and then also had problems with drugs. I think for me, and when I started doing what you are doing, (and I had never even heard about anyone doing such a thing) it was a way of making what was 'internal', 'external' and visible.

The eating disorder was horrible but it left no traces, and was not visible. i think I also cut myself as a way of stopping the other.

Anyway, what I meant to say was, that the cutting helped me a lot too, and I think what helped most was to feel when I was numb. i also did it preventatively.

I am really tired but if you want to, lets talk some more?

is there any chance you could see a therapist, or something? or have you already?

Best, Kat

Written by Edahn 110 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I guess that if it's being used to help stop you from suicide, it's a good thing, but think about this:

1) Is it possible that the cutting is actually making your suicidal thoughts worse and more recurrent?

2) Is there a different, better way you can make sense (cope) with your suicidal thoughts? This is why people have been suggesting therapy.

Written by bellacutie 110 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I know we've spoke to each other before. Are you aware that when a person self injures, it releases endorphins which provides a temporary high or as you stated that feeling of being loved and it helps cope with the suicide feelings. Well as you know exercise is the best way to get that endorphin surge. There are also many other ways to cope with SI and you can find them in the forum section of psychcentral.com. You should know that everytime you cut, you're opening your body to infection. Also you're lowering your immune system because your body has to constantly send out fighter cells and repair your body. I also think cutting is almost like a 'tribute' to painful feelings and some people actually feel proud hence the saying 'misery loves company'.

Now I'm going to be a little firm with you now but it's only to get you thinking and to bring out the positive fighter instinct in you. People should be given a gentle nudge, when it seems they've become apathetic about their own lives. Do you want to allow a breakup with a girl to ruin your life and do you want to spend the rest of your summer in this frame of mind? Do you think you deserve to give her the POWER to ruin your life? I think it's time to take the necessary steps to get over your ex. There will be other chances at love for you, but you have to get better first. Did you know the best revenge is living well. You have the ability to wake up tomorrow and say "I'm not going to pine over her anymore and I'm going to start enjoying my life"

Start an exercise routine, get outside and do some activities. Try to be around people who are positive and try not to dwell on bad feelings. Try to make a list of what you're grateful for. Rent some funny movies - laughing also releases endorphins. You could even try volunteering for something you feel passionate about - it makes you feel good inside. Ask yourself, could it be worse? Life throws punches sometimes - do you want to get back up or give up?

Did you have this depression before your ex girlfriend? If you did, then you associate her with relieving you of your sad feelings and now that she's gone you feel stuck. If you've had this for a while then you need to go to a doctor and perhaps try medication.

The main point I'm trying to make is you're not helpless here and you need to surrender the notion that you're a victim here - it's time to give it up and start taking control of your life and feelings. You may even need to get MAD because I believe that depression is often 'internalized anger' that's stuffed away. Get mad and tell yourself, that you won't be victim anymore. I hope this inspires you to fight for a better life instead of drowning in your sadness. I want you to write down little goals that will help you. You can also write down a farewell letter to your ex and then burn it or rip it up, which will symbolize that you're done dwelling on it. Then make sure you ENJOY the rest of your summer. Hugs, Bella.

Written by Clyde 109 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Have you also joined psych centrals self injury forum? That can definitely help you as well, considering that there are others there who experience the same thing you do.

Best,

Clyde


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