Avatar Posted by TERESA 69 days ago (Question)
Father = sexually abuses daughter for years.
Mother is difficult, abusive physically and verbally.
Brothers suffered abuse at mothers hand as well.
Sister gets it from the two parents and doesnt tell.
Current- 30+ years later, trying to figure this stuff out. I am in therapy and it is a process. I am very distrught over just about everything. I have a great therapist and am thankful for him. I just got to start feeling better though. I mean I am so frozen with emotion all the time. I am stuck a lot of the time on how to figure things out and what the next step is. Telling is a huge issue. Communicating is probably the biggest issue I face with this. To speak of it is a struggle in each session is a task. Writing for me has been more of my way of releasing this stuff. It helps me to feel batter and to break all of the paths down and understand what exactly it is I am dealing with.
But now, I face the decision to tell. Woah! How do you tell your siblings that the man they call dad is a monster and that he raped me for years and years as a child. How do you blow their minds with that type of info and destroy the facade that they recognize as a true life. It is a lie. But I am distraught over causing them pain and placing this truth in their lives when up until now they have a love for this man.


Answers

Written by Thumbelina 69 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Teresa,

I am so sorry for all the pain you experienced at the hand of this man called your father. I am also very happy that you sought out therapy and are dealing with this issue and not letting is consume you and your emotional well-being. You have chosen to take the absolutely best path you possibly could have taken given the horrible circumstances you were given as a child. Therapy is very hard work and is exhausting. Be sure you take as much time as is necessary to deal with this thoroughly.

Have you and your therapist decided that it is time to tell your siblings? Is this necessary for you to do this in order to proceed with your therapy? It makes sense that at some time you would want to do this but is the timing right? If it is, I would guess that you would not want to do it alone and would need some support when you do it. According to what you have written, you have no advocates yet within your family. Do your brothers and sister know you are in therapy? If they do, would they be in favor of meeting with your therapist with you? I simply am concerned that you need some support when you face your siblings and deliver very disturbing news to them. Also, I am wondering if one or more of them secretly suspected that your father was doing this or if he was doing it to one of them, also. This is just too big of a bomb for you to drop unassisted.

Talk to your therapist and see if the time is right or when it will be right. Then discuss having support in breaking the news to your siblings. I just get a bad feeling about you facing them alone with this news. It could cause a major blowup and a lot more problems for you.

Best of luck to you.

Written by TERESA 69 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi Thumbelina (like your name)

You had answered me in the past and I thank you. To be honest with you, I am not even sure about telling. It scares the hell out of me. I had a big issue that had come up that I had to talk to my therapist about and had much angst prior to doing so. Basically it was feelings, which now I understand is transference. Once I told him I felt better and actually understood what was going on with me. I told him in my next session how I felt better and was releived to have expressed it (as hard as it was), he asked whether I had considered my telling and confiding in my brothers would also allow me to feel better w/a sense of relief. It is logical, but like you I am fearful and unsure. You ask if I am ready, well I dont know, when exactly do you know if you are ready. I am reluctant still and am not in a rush but because of what I am dealing with I am frantic for relief. I feel like crap and I am an emotional wreck. Last week after my meet he had asked if I could write about the details of the abuse from the childs eye and what I see. Of course I knew this would be tough but .... well... let me just say it has messed me up. I have been in a frenzy of stress, fear, frustration, anger, upset and crying inside. I dont know what to do with myself. I am writing incessantly because my mind is in so many directions. I write a lot and that is good, it is my way of breaking it down. But beyond that there is not so much comfort. The 1st night of writing I was distraught and lost. I have written very little on the subject of details since and will wait til I see him again. But my regular journal reflects all of the angst and paid I feel.

One thing that has come out of it (on a positive) is that I have recognize this sex abuse as rape and I have written how much I want him to own up to his actions. I have also started to understand that I was/am a victim. This has not been easy. As far as telling....I am not sure of it and I have not asked whether my therapist would be willing to be with me when I do this. It seems he thinks this is important and I know it is...but telling is huge....like one of my friends said to me "you are about to throw a lightning bolt into their lives"

FYI I have no sisters (I am the sister)and 7 brothers. I do not think there was any abuse by my father against them. I know they stuggle with the abuse from my mother though.

oh, and my mother doesnt know about it either, so this brings on much more than just telling.

Also my therapist did suggest I consider going to a support group and talking among others who have dealt with this type of abuse....but talking to people, in person .... well, lets just say that is another hurtle I have yet to overcome...at this point I have a hard time talking to him, and he is someone I trust.

I really dont know what to do with all this sh*t I am feeling. (sigh) I know thats alot of stuff I just laid out, but this ball of yarn keeps going and going....no wonder why the child hid it from the world.....its endless.

Written by Thumbelina 68 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thank you, Teresa, for writing again and I'm glad you like my name! My honest concern is that at this point, I am not sure that you are ready to tell any family members about this. You are having a hard enough time dealing with it yourself and you are still remembering things and you are still defining in your own mind exactly what it was and the nature of the damage that was done. If you were to tell your brothers or your mother before you have moved further in your processing of this, it may be too much for you, in my opinion. Obvisouly, it would be a major, MAJOR upset in your family and if you are not strong enough to ride that wave, then you might get towed under. There seems to be some urgency from your therapist about telling your family about the abuse. I wonder if he thinks that you need their support. I would stand strong against that because from what I am reading in your posts, it doesn't sound like you are strong enough yet to do that. But that's just my opinion.

Now, with regard to the support group: I have bipolar illness and have had it most of my life. I am also more of a loner type and usually don't attend groups of any kind. However, at the recommendation of my doctor, I attended a group outpatient program last spring. I had the same reservations that you have. But you know what? I found that I absolutely loved it. At first, it was hard to share. But after listening for a few days, soon I found that it was very helpful and the other participants were really friendly and kind. So, I would say that your therapist's recommendation for a support group would be really good for you, especially since you do not have family members who support you at this time. You don't have to talk when you first go. You can just listen to others' experiences. It's really a comforting thing.

I hope you continue to progress and eventually find some peace, Teresa.

Written by bellacutie 68 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree with Thumbelina, that it's not a good time to tell your family members - the reason being that you're already working on overload right now. Telling your siblings would be very stressful and also dealing with their reactions(unknown at this time) may be more upsetting for you. Wait until you're in a stronger emotional position. It's okay to tell later but it has to be done the right way and not appear spiteful. You're not strong enough now so put it on hold. Good luck Theresa.

Written by TERESA 67 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hello again,

Thank you for your answers, they are helpful and a good reminder that I need to be in the drivers seat and go with my insincts, at least a little.

I know my therapist wants me to have support and he beleives my brothers would be a good place to start since we are pretty close. But again, I just have a cringing feeling at the thought of blowing their world apart. Over the last few mos I have pretty much separated myself from my family, or at least my parents and that has caused its own problems. Catching a lot of static from my mom and it is not pleasant. I have just avoided her as much as possible. It is tough when you dont want to live the lie, I have no lie to tell. The elephant in the room makes it difficult to be in their presence at all. I am sure this is where the issue of telling comes into light, when I speak of my therapist. He see's my struggle and so here we are. As far as getting stronger, I know this is needed. I mean I have always been a strong person, and never allowed much to bring me down. But this is different and it is strong (the emotions). This weekend was tough...it took 4 days after my meet to get a grip. I go to see him again tomorrow and am almost afraid to because of the fear of being screwed up again. I stopped writing about the details and I think this helps. Anyhow. I thank you both for your time in responding to my many questions I have posted on this site and I appreciate that you too have some knowledge and understanding from your own past and unfortunate experiences to help me out. I hope you are both well and continue to be. Thank you again.

Written by Clyde 50 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Definitely discuss this with your therapist. They will best know when the time is right for you to do so.

Best,

Clyde


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