I have been depressed for almost all of my life. I know nothing else. One thing that seems to seperate me is that I function better. I had the willpower to push on despite my despair and major feelings of sorrow. The thing that kept me going is hatred. I despise others so much. I feel only contempt and annoyance at people. My hate has gotten so strong it has consumed me. The problem is its the only thing keeping despair and suicidal feelings away. I keep going because i want revenge i want to see others suffer. I seem to be cracking my willpower to go on is fading. I am just so tired. I hate people so much and i cant take it. I am all alone. I can see no end but death. I have never taken violent actions but it is almost all I think of.

I just have almost no strength left. Why do I feel such unending rage? Why am I incapable of love? How does depression turn into a desire to destroy?


Answers


bella
1971 days ago
Hi,

for some people depression can take the form of internalized anger. Since you have had this for a long time, it's hard to hold it in and that's why it's coming out as anger towards others. Depression also has a way of blocking good emotions which is why you find it hard to feel love. It's impossible when you feel so much hate to also feel love. The emotion hate also takes up alot of energy mentally and physically. It easy to understand why it's emotionally draining , but most people don't realize how destructive hate is physically. When people are stressed or mad our bodies make stress hormones that can lead to physical problems.

I think you should go to your doctor right away. You probably thought you didn't need to, since you were able to function and I understand that. If depression is left untreated, then it can reach a point where it consumes your life. Depression can turn into where you're so frustrated, that you want to destroy yourself or somone else. Please get help right away.



Clyde
1957 days ago
Depression indeed can take the form of internalized anger. Can you talk to a doctor and see why you feel the way you do?

Best,

Clyde



Sollex
1948 days ago
The only help I can receive is from myself. Ive thought about this for at least a decade and I've found I have no desire to stop hating or feeling contempt for others. I am more curious then worried. Self examination only goes so far though so i need outside opinions from people who dont know me and never will.



bella
1909 days ago
Ultimately that's what a therapist or doctor would do anyway - is get you to eventually search for answers within yourself. You have given some very intelligent and logical answers here lately and you seem to be in a more peaceful place. It's fine if you're comfortable being that way, but some people when they feel hate it, creates stress hormones responses in the body which are destructive for the hater. I think everyone dislike someone - they just don't like to admit it. Anyway thanks for help and hope you continue to do so. Sorry I got your name wrong a few times - should have put on my reading glasses LOL. I was wondering why did this person choose the name Soilex, meanwhile it's Sollex - Silly Me. TC :)